In my childhood I was raised in a wonderful setting, a house filled with committed love, no fighting, no cursing etc. mom was a Catholic, dad was a Baptist Minister and it worked well, my brother and I attended Catholic school as well as my dads church, I was spoiled being the only girl and lived a very sheltered life, we were a black family living in a multicultural neighbourhood and I did not know what racism and violence was.
Being a teen and very inquisitive I wanted to know all about sex. My friends were saying it was a good thing, well I tried it... got pregnant and sent the family into insanity.
I was ashamed, the father was older and I married him figuring I made my bed I must lay in it, and some how work this thing out, I left my parents, married and became a homemaker.
Life floored me, I never knew violence existed, such bad language and all the ills of life came tumbling down on me, along with my husband sleeping around. He came in one day and introduced me to a man who was with him and told me!, this man had paid money for me to sleep with him, (he had sold me his wife to another man) I was so frightened I grabbed my baby and ran away in the dead of winter. Not having a place to go, I walked to a strangers door. An old lady answered, I asked if my baby could stay in her home for the night so he would not freeze, I would come back in the morning, she agreed. I knew nothing else to do but to keep praying, she closed the door with my child, my heart was devastated, I went to the back of the house and found a window I could see in as she changed and laid my son to rest and turned out the lights, as if she had turned the lights out in my soul. I stood there freezing and crying and praying that God help me and I sat on the ground and a voice said "get the leaves that had fallen from a tree in the fall ", I gathered the leaves and put them all around me and I kept praying and began to feel a warmth all through my body and I knew God had heard my pitiful cry. I fell asleep! and I dreamed the things I needed to do.
At day break I got up I got my child and went home, threw all my husbands things out changed the locks on the door and left a message "don't ever come back" and filed for divorce 2 days later.
Love in my life seemed to be a must, it was all I knew, I thought everybody felt the same, I was alone and desperate for someone to make me safe and love me in the only way I knew. I was so afraid of life, in struggling with that and raising my child and working cleaning houses I was in another world and in my 20"s I met a man who I thought would end and heal my life.
He was a loving gentle person and loved my son, we married, we even went to church and studies together. He had no family in the city but his brothers and sister moved and they party all the time. I was not a party/drinking person. My fantasy began to crumble, he was drinking more and more, he began cussing, fighting me, hurting me, if I was listening to gospel music he would break up my records, if I was caught praying I got beat. I talked to God the final day, my husband came in and said you going to die today and shoved a shotgun in my face. My children were sitting there getting ready to watch their mama die, I said God stop this awful man. He pulled the trigger twice, it did not go off, he went out side and it went off, I knew God had saved me. My husband passed out on the porch.
I told God, "no more". I want him out of our lives and so it was, 3 days later I filed for divorce. I purchased my first car for 75 dollars it was a heap but it did what we needed, I was blessed.
Blessed, Lonely, Still craving for love like one on drugs, I hurt in my heart but I had to do what I must to raise my kids and to set an example for them. They had no hero, I had to somehow be it for them, I would pray and asked God to show me the way for my family and me. I had no one, and no one to hear the crying of my heart, living a life of fear of the very world in which I existed. In passing people in the streets I would wonder if they could read my heart through looking in to my eyes and give me comfort. I was told the eyes were the mirror of ones soul, but no one noticed or saw, I just hoped it was so.
Before my kids I was their everything. They never knew, I hid it well.
Later in life I worked various jobs and received state money to support my family wondering where my life was going, I married again, my husband was working a good job and decided one day he did not have to work, just sit around and let me work and was caught sleeping with my best friend. I put him out and filed divorce the next day, I vowed never to look at a man again, it was not worth it and I was learning to love myself and to give in to the acceptance of me.
I began working in the prison ministry and nursing home ministry. I had so much love locked inside me that I had to share that love with others. I was ministering on the radio stations Christian broadcasting networks.
I was later ordained as a minister and pastored a church for a year in the absence of a pastor. I had a deep need of sharing love with others, it was good, my family was happy and growing. I never had the chance to finish school but I prayed about it so much, and later I was creating housing programs for the low income, gathering free grants from all over the country, I worked in a community organization and began to teach empowerment to those that had given up, working with families, women and children.
Later I was sent to 3rd world countries during the war in El Salvador to find truth of the war and its devastation working with the displaced, the dying, the hungry, the diseased, the prisoners of war. I'd help hold their babies as they died in my arms and wrap and bury them, pray for them and suffer their pain in my heart.
My life continued to Germany where I was sent to the world conference on world debt and hunger, it was awesome, as well as sickening I got to visit the communist countries and witness their life style. I had become a spokesperson and leader, my life had changed. I was a foster mom for 12 yrs to children that needed total care, my own children grew up and were proud of their mom. I could not believe all that I had accomplished much more than I can tell here, but the difference was all the love inside me. I learned how to give to those who had not love, but loss of hope, I no longer had to have the love of a man to exist. I had God, my kids and a host of people waiting.
But don't think for a moment the gloom and doom stopped, for it seemed at times everlasting as I was discovering myself. I was working 2 jobs to provide for my family I had no car, but waiting on busses. One night while waiting on a bus to get to another job a car pulled up, a man jumped out with a gun and forced me in the car with 3 other men. I was taken to an abandon house, beat, stripped of my clothing in the winter and raped, they repeatedly shoved sticks up my personal and rectum and left me for dead.
I woke up in disarray and thought my life would never be right again. I felt suicidal rage, depression, non existent, not worthy. But as the waters travel the streams, so did I my life, I knew I had to move on for my sake and for the kids.
Later in life I was was told I was dying of cancer, I went through all the chemo radiation etc. I was a foster mom at the time, and was afraid they would take my foster kids away which had been with me for years. God took me through and I got well, and back on my feet and later worked with a mental health agency as an advocate, only 20 hours a month, then 20 hours a week, then full time as social worker. I was so good I had gone beyond my job description and I was working with families that were at risk of having children removed from their home for neglect. I was making drastic changes in the lives of others. I took all that I knew in my life and gave love. I Founded a Woman's support group that is different from any other and today there are 72 members. These were women who had all given up hope and had no education, I began teaching them and now they are in school preparing for GED"s, 32 are in specialized computer school training and learning computers, how to tear them down and rebuild learning systems and have jobs waiting for them to be hired in mid march, they will be qualified making 15 to 40 dollars an hour, and all have their personal computers now. Yes my chest is big with pride and I am glad I went through all I did, it has been a blessing for those who needed to be blessed, all the evil things became a pleasure.
A story yes I have one. This does not tell all, but may it bless you as I send this with all the love in my heart.
One is never lost but chosen to give wisely.