I would do anything for you.
I`m afraid I`d still do.
This morning was disastrous. [Sic(Feb 14th)]
I was eagerly waiting for you, I paced around the whole school, trepidation burning in my head. I still didnt know what to say. I was confused, what would be the best way to say this to you, What do I want to say to you? What do I expect from you?
I asked my good friends, what to do, what to do? When and where should I talk to you? They gave me your answers that I already knew, then I went to wait and pace again and you are there walking towards me. Your beautiful face enchanted me for a momentary eternity. You then turned a sharp corner and past me. I hide behind the pillar, I don`t know what to do. You are right behind me, yet I fear turning around. I fear that you`d see me, I think I`ll talk to you later. NO. It must be done this morning, I`ve waited long enough, I`ve done nothing for long enough, today is the judgement day. Let on or let go.
I stride out and face you, leaving behind all my thought.
My mind was blank. I could only gape at your discontent face, already wearing down my walls, my presence being an itch.
"Hey, Anita. You know how I`ve liked you for 3 years..."
Damn it. Why did I say that. Carry on.
You slowly roll out a silent yes out of your mouth.
"Well, I have something to show you"
I fumble around, my folder gripping onto my treasure, my gift. I wrench it open, frantically flicking through the pages of practice. There it was. Beautiful. A blue rose, crafted by my hand. Hours of practice for one small thing that I was unsatisfied with. Days of staying up till the sky was blue. A way I hoped, to show how much I loved you, through the only thing I was ever good at.
I caress it and pull it out.
I give it to you.
You look at it gasping, amazed, speechless. I wish.
You hardly look at it and uneasily thank me.
I was stuck yet again. I forgot to say that it was valentine`s day, I forgot to mention how I acknowledged the fact that you didn`t like me very well.
You start edging up from the seat "I heard blue was your favourite colour, so yeah...", I hopelessly remark.
You might have nodded without looking. I can`t remember. I didn`t remember to say that the blue rose symbolised unrequited love, what was happening to me from you. It was the impossible, it doesn`t exist. Something I`d try and do for you. Anything. The blue rose stood out. Like you did for me. I never looked at anyone else for those 3 years.
"Yeah.." was all I could let out with the storm of pressure and anxiety in my skull. You walk off. I look away.
One conclusion had come from this. It was over. This was my ultimatum and I decided that I`ve failed. I walk away with a false smile and end up at the table. I smack my head with a pencilcase, showing my grief at my failure at such a moment that was so world changing and beautiful in my dreams. 3 years and I ruin my final battle. I feel ashamed. but my outside being the cheerful weirdo tried to dilute it and not say anything and not be an attention hound, but I insisted to let out news of my failure.. I moan that I`m, not going to bother with her anymore. My friends didn`t really hear me, I didn`t really care. I just tried to tell myself to cheer up, that I`ve finally gotten over you.
Leaning from the railing. I look around I see the girls hanging out. I wanted a crush. I used to have one, but she went away and that was the end of that. But it felt so good to dream and think of someone being with me. Me. A silly 12 year old, bowl-cut hair, tiny shorts, a young videogamer, a bug hunter, one to imitate the crazy, funny things I saw on youtube. All around weird kid.
I decided that I would try and pick one out of the group. I didn`t like dark skinned girls, I left them out. The ones with round faces, nope. The curly haired ones, nope. Then I saw you closely. Straight shoulder-length black hair, Fair, light skin, a nice, small, straight face, the elegant, mischievous eyes. I sorta liked that. I noticed you ever since.
On the school trip, I noticed you more, my heart was beating when I was near you on the trek around the mountains. The first time I remember saying something meaningful to you, it was wet, the stepping stones in a sea of mud were slippery. You slipped slightly, I let out a "Be careful", you said "Thanks". I was smiling for the rest of the trek.
School trip was over. I am at the same place. Looking across from the railing into the staircase area where you and your friends hung out. I was suddenly enchanted. I forgot all about how I didn`t really like you before, even calling you "Bitch" once. That memory burned me. I laughed a bit, noticing how I`ve changed. I then looked at myself. I was sad. I wasn`t something you`d want.
Then he came.
He talked to me. He then suddenly dropped into my mind, asking me who I liked.
I trusted him then and immediately let fly my beautiful little secret. I regret this.
He said he would help me, change me, give me a makeover. I blindly followed him. He made me get loner school shorts and wear oversized shirts, like he did. He told me to act like a normal person, he told me to style and gel and comb my hair. He told me to drop the black shoes that school made us wear and wear DCs. He said that if I didn`t change, you would never like me.
I came in the next day with some longer shorts and some DC shoes I made my mom go with me all over town to look for, like he said. I was only doing this because he told me that it was cool and you wouldn`t like me if you didn`t.
he said that I looked cool and pushed me into a "gangsta" handshake which I returned without mind. I was following him everywhere and listened to whatever he said. He seemed like the expert and naive me just followed him because he said so.
Later, or the next day. Or the day after that. (I forgot. I was wandering around school without aim. I saw him in your hangout place, talking to you and your friends, like he normally does. Then he stood up.
He told you something. I was too far away to hear. Then you gasped in shock. You saw me, I think, then you just ran off shrieking. Your friends heard it too.
I talked to him. Silly me was only upset about the fact that he did it without my "metamorphosis" being complete. Nothing happened, I still followed him.
Later. English class. Your friend asked me if I liked you. Being unfamiliar with girls, I just said yes, then I talked to her a bit more about you. She then gave me your Email. I was happy.
After that. He came to me. He told me that he talked to you, about giving me a chance. He said that you were reluctant, then you went "fine". Something among the lines of that.
I had a chance. I had hope. I had a nice bus ride home thinking of you.
The next day, I came in with gelled, trimmed, and combed hair. I decided to take a chance and ask you how I looked. You said "better", with a slight smile. I tanked you and walked off feeling red and happy. I told this news to him and he ganghandshaked me again. I cared not whether you meant it or not, I was just happy you did.
I talked to your friend a lot. Eventually, a couple of other girls had their curiosities of my crush confirmed, and they did tell me some things. That you could speak cantonese as well, where you were from, and that your favourite colour was blue.I ended up talking to them more than I ever did to you.
The first time I chatted with you. I was over at a friends house and you were online. I wondered what to say. I recently heard that you had an alligator, so I decided to say hi and ask you that. You seemed friendly, but shy and said "yeah, lol". I think. I then told you about how I used to have scorpions, trying to find something that we had in common. You might have laughed or not. I then hande the computer back to my friend, I frantically asked him to let me borrow his computer to type the instant I saw you pop online on yahoo. (I was logged in)
Nothing much happened after that. I called it the 3 years of nothing. I didn`t know what to do, I didn`t know what to say.
I hung out with a few friends that I told my secret to as well, who took me along with them to see others that you were with. A few times. I didn`t know what to say and I ended up never saying a word.
I remember going to my mate`s house. I noticed a few more shoes outside. I went in, later, I was in his room when you and your friend walked out of the toilet. My mate told me that you were hiding in there when he told you that I was coming. I found that a bit funny.
Sometime later, I found out that you were already together with someone. I knew this someone, I was friends with him and asked him if he wanted to join our sort-of band a few times, but we never really practiced. He was more like a friend-acquaintance.
I disregarded this.
Sometime during those 3 years, maybe even before the hangouts I mentioned just now, you messaged me on yahoo. You said I should look for other people and even suggested someone who was single, and said I shouldn`t be too picky. I said no, and that I only liked you. You asked why. I was dumbstruck. Out of the pressure and nervousness I always feel when planning to talk to you, I blurted out a horribly constructed "ur pretty". You were like "Umm...okay...".
Over time, I started to stray away from the "gangsta" appearance he gave me. I gave up on gelling my hair and threw away DC shoes, mostly because of the things I will explain later. I found the music he made me listen to was rubbish and annoying, it was the mainstream crap. I started getting into metal, started growing my hair long, and being close to my old self, having no bounds.
I forgot what happened next. Sometime later, I found out that you had been permanently invisible to me while at a friend`s house. I was discouraged, but throughout those years, the hope of being with you was the thing that had kept me going.
I remember when I also gave you a valentine rose through the valentine`s rose delivery fundraiser thing the school was doing, I wasn`t sure what to write and I didn`t expect much, so I only wrote "you know who I am." on the card.
[You may skip this part.]
And "him". The one who said that he helped me. He blackmailed me over an incident where I TRIED something offered to me, that I regretted trying and hated. He claimed that I was an addict and that I would never break off, even though it was a taste, and that he would tell my parents "for my own good". I begged and begged, I trailed him around and pleaded him not to, since I felt extremely uncomfortable talking to my folks about things that I`m not meant to do. He then made me a deal. He wouldn`t tell, only if I became his slave. I was happy for this opportunity, I did everything he told me to. He made me give him my money, he made me buy food for him, he made me do my homework for him, I had to use my locker as a place to keep his crap that he made me carry around for him. I realised his arrogance and all the bad things he is that I was invisible to. He made me sit with him by myself in math, and every math class, he made me cover for him while he copied my homework, he drew nasty things in his math book, labeling them with my name, laughed at them, and I had to laugh at them too. He told me that he tried what I did and decided to rub in my face about how I could be addicted to such a thing.
Well, I`d not like to go on about the fat bastard anymore, People made a petition about the bad things he did to everyone, to get him expelled. He somehow got only a week`s suspension. The head asked me personally what he blackmailed me about, I told him and he assured me that it wasn`t a problem and he`d keep it secret. I erased the bastard from existence afterwards and ignored him. He didn`t exist anymore.
[Optional skippable section ended]
I started noticing how you acted when I was around. When I had to speak in class, you just looked away and paid no heed. You seemed uncomfortable when I was around, you didn`t really want to ever make eye contact. I was depressed by this and felt that I was bothering you. This added another barrier to me wanting to do anything, I didn`t talk to you much because I thought I was annoying you.
So grade 9/year 10 started. I felt I needed to do something while I thought about you during summer. it had been 3 years, I needed to do something, or else this awkward silence would last forever. I asked for advice and help. I asked "what do I do?" everywhere on the internet. They suggested talking to you. I was nervous. I did try though. You noticed, right? I randomly walked up to you, and not knowing what to say, I decided to ask you what you did for art homework. You showed me, I was surprised you did. I repeated next week, and you said that I`d see it anyway in class. I felt dumb and embarrassed at not knowing how to respond.
I remember after the ICT test Peer marking, I tried to ask you about your score. I walked up to you with my paper. you thought I marked your paper and then saw it, and snapped at me asking where your paper was, I was embarrassed at the thought of how annoyed you have been when you suddenly saw the exam paper of someone you didn`t like.
I realised that I wasn`t able to do this. People were now suggesting that I should give up and move on, I paid little heed, still disillusioned by the chance that you might be able to like me one day.
I eventually started losing hope after failing every attempt. I actually had thoughts of giving up before, but they were brushed aside by my want for you.
2 Months ago. I decided to give you a valentine`s day rose, and use that as a chance to talk to you, to tell you how I truly felt, and I immediately only imagined the joy I`d feel if you became my girlfriend. I wanted you to care.
As I drew loads of stuff, i decided to show how much I cared through drawing you a rose. I immediately started drawing a practice. I walked around with it, usually looking at it, hoping to invoke any joy of thinking of you. I even decided to show a few people and ask what they thought of it and what needed improving. The first said that it was stunning. This led me on to create a large mistake, I started showing other people and I couldn`t resist showing it to people, so they could say that it looked beautiful as well, and that I could tell them about you and ask them for their help.
People were still saying that I should give up. This started working, as the fact that you were so disinterested in me trying to make any attempt at conversation with you failed. I was seriously thinking of giving up. But then the rose and all the good things people said about it convinced me to now use the rose as a last effort. I drew another practice sometime, and they weren`t too surprised this time. I still had difficulty talking to you and I was still nervous. So I decided to give that a break and step back for a bit.
Eventually, last saturday came and I decided to start my final rose. I stayed up all night, doing half of it. I had "creep" by radiohead on repeat when I did it. I sent you the song on facebook, which caused you to then block and unfriend me. It related to me a lot. I was hoping to squeeze out some happy thoughts about you through songs,but it didn`t work that well, yet I still wanted you.
I finished it at 4 AM the next day. I kissed it, and hoped that it would serve it`s purpose, and put it in my folder. I still had no idea what to say to you and I decided I`d do that "later". All I had to do was wait until monday...
If I do send this to you, please realise that I cared. Know that I was willing to jump off a building for you, and I would try to get you anything through whatever ways I had. I still do sometimes. I have to forget you. I tell myself that you would probably be more happy knowing that I`ve let you go. I hope you are.
For interested readers, my practices are on deviantart, under my profile with the name, hotdog94.