Till my heartaches end
I am curling up in my bed like an animal licking its wound. Iīm her achingly alone, remembering those special moments with him as well as reminiscing how he had hurt my vulnerable heart.
I was once his princess then day by day my position diminished until I found myself completely out in his life.
He is the guy i had fallen too deeply in love with, the guy I was afraid to meet, the guy whom iīve unconditionally surrendered everything.He is the guy i have permitted to hurt me over and over again.
I have made him the cebter of my world eversince the day i first said "I LOVE YOU" to him. My life revolves around him. I let myself to be fully attached to him, depending my happiness on him. I even neglested the people close to me.
For him, i was only his girl when it suits him while I have set myself as his property. I never learned to say "No" to him. I always acquiesce to everything he said for fear that iīll get to his nerve.
I wanted him above everybody while I was just his last resort. I made myself strictly just for him. I turned down anyone who wanted to know me to avoid misunderstanding though i doubt if he even cares. While he? he keeps looking for someone new. He never got contented with me. And the worst thing is he talked about his girls in front of me. I couldntīt totally blame him doing that to me because i never learned to complain, i just listen acted like i donīt have any care when in fact im bleeding. In one way or the other i tolerated him,spoiled him.I have given him almost all his demands without second thoughts nor thinking what the complications would be.
He had treated me abysmally while i treated him as my king. He is full of contempt. He disrespects me in different aspects even insulted me in front of other people. He threw bad words, yelled at me, cursed me and even hurt me physically at times. He even hold me as if iīm not his girl. Iīf weīre out with some friends, he acted like i didnīt exist. He never dared to ask how i feel. It seems that i develop a taste for torture that i never learned to walk away i rather i kept my distance closer.
He had continously hurt my vulnerable heart while i pampered him with the best love that i could give. I have tried to understand him why he acts indiffernet. I couldnīt find rationality why i just stayed right there beside him though it is too palpable that i am just his plaything. Thereīs just that anonymous thing that really kept me attached to him. I love him for who he is including his flaws.
I have given up everything to him while he couldnīt even give me the only thing I asked of him, to be the ONLY ONE. I have forgiven him on every infidelity he had commited while he despised me even at the simplest mistakes Iīve done. How would you feel if he even consider u nuisance? It hurts.
Those unsolicited but fully needed advices, unexpected concerns, abysmal comments about him keep echoing on my mind but my love for him could outcast them all. Everyone has been vocal on how abominable they are in the relationship but i didnīt listen. I deserve someone better, they say but do they have any idea how i feel for him? Whatever anger i felt prior to any of our meetings would vanish just at the sight of him. I could forget about those insulting words, his being unfaithful with just the thought of howe he makes me happy. Isn`t it too much for being an idiot?
He made me wild, forget myself and made me want to consume him. Iīve tried to meet all his expectations just to please him. I have given him pleasure i never thought i could. But that was it. It was his game and i was his toy.
I have been blinded by my love for him not to see his blemishes. I have been too deaf to listen to peopleīs negative thoughts because all i could hear were his words. I even believed his paradoxical promises. I have been too numb to just ignore those pain he had inflicted on me. I have swallowed my pride in countless instances because im afraid of losing him. I acted as if thereīs a scarcity on boys that i couldnīt get away from him.
People around me didnīt fail to warn me. My relatives have been given me the best advices but i didnīt listen. Some acquaintances, even those i barely know extemded their concers because they know his true color but i didnīt mind them at all. I believed them really but it was too hard to go. To detach myself from him has been on top of my list-to-do things everyday but the day would end undone. Well, i can but would only last for a couple of hours. I could not imagine my life without him. No matter how much he hurt me, i would still heep going back to him. I wanted to let go, to free myself from the torment but I couldnīt. I donīt know exactly what motivated me to stay just right beside him. The is no prize for being "crass" they say but having him was already enough.
I have cried enough. I have suffered too much. I needed to cut the string attach to him. It`Ļs been four days after the break up, i am still here having endless streams of questions. What did i do wrong to be treated that way when i have never failed to let him feel how much he means to me?
Now that he is finally gone, i am trying to pick up the pieces that heīd left. He had definitely taken everything that I have.
I am trying to block him off my mind but he just keeps creeping in. He still resides in my mind.
After everything has been said and done, the hardest part is that Iīve known from the start what I am to him. I already know that this day would come but still i had let myself to go this far. I am knowledgeable enough that, not too ignorant what he exactly wants from me. No more turning back. It happened and no matter how much i cry now, i couldnt do anything but to try to move on.
Honestly, after everything i still hope to see him one day exactly the opposite of what Iīve known him. For that short span of time of being with him, i was able to know him. I wish for his happiness. Hatred for him has no space in my heart. I still want him to come back and admits that he had been a fool of hurting me too much. Thatīs just how much I love him i guess.