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      Identity

     


My names mark. At this moment in time thatís really all I claim as my own, my identity. Even that at times that is blurred. I canít help but feel detached from my life almost as if watching fly past with great speed, even though Iím at the age where I should be out enjoying life and all it perks I canít help but retreat to the deepest depths of my mind, the thoughts that haunt me, taunt me and follow me, No one knows, not even those closest to me know the pain, Iíve tried to explain it to some but the guilt crushes me when ever I try. When I say I try to explain I only ever mange to explain half of the thoughts.............. the ďsuicidal thoughtsĒ even though I would never act upon these thoughts I canít block them out , I canít stop thinking what would happen, how much it would hurt, how others would feel, how many pills I would need to take, who would find me. And people wonder why I canít sleep, why thereís always a TV on why I always have my headphones in when I walk, I hate being left alone with my thoughts............... every other night I find myself writing final letters apologising to the people I care about even though I know they will never get to read these letter I find myself pouring my heart out, the guilt I carry upon my shoulders is almost unbearable, I look at the faces of people who care about me and I feel like Iíve betrayed them in some way, after all they have done is been there for me and brought me up and made me into the person I am today and I canít believe I would even consider that putting through that. However through the darkness I see light.... but it feels like its fading. She came into my life at the most vital point, I was at tipping point my addiction to marijuana had reached a point where it no longer helped the pain just made it worse, I couldnít take it, then when I saw her smile for the first time I felt some of the weight lift, that was it, I had a reason to quit, I had a reason to live. Now donít get me wrong Iím not saying it was love at first sight or that I had delusions of granger that we would ride off into the sunset, but whatís wrong with holding on to something that gives you hope? She was what I need to sort myself out, we started dating and within a week we were together as a couple, I started to enjoy her company and the dark thoughts were slowly replaced with brighter ones, as time passed my feeling towards her developed, I would get the feeling of safety and acceptance, when I looked her in the eye and I knew it I was in love. She was everything I ever wanted; I ever needed, for the first time in years I could sleep without being fearful of the thoughts or the dreams. For the first time in my life I felt accepted and loved me for who I was not the front that I find myself putting across to other people. But as with most things in life it was too good to be true, she broke up with. she told me that she still missed her ex, I could understand this as we got together very soon after her previous relationship, Of course the thought of ďsheís left me for himĒ cropped up in my mind, my curiosity was what made me worse, I would find myself constantly checking social networking sites just trying to piece together what I could to make sense of it all. When I asked her if she left me for him she told me ďno defiantly notĒ and told me that maybe there was a small chance of us working out, I would later find out this was not the case and to think I believed her, She lied to me for three months, had it all been an act? Some sick way of getting back at him? I donít know maybe ignorance is bliss? I was so hurt and upset that someone I love so much would do that to me. I didnít sleep that night, the thoughts didnít return though but the hurt was enough to keep me awake, I didnít sleep the night after either, it wasnít until I turned to copious amounts of alcohol to help but with the alcohol came the thought the darkness, in a drunken state I found myself the worst I have ever been, the darkness was back....he had missed me, that night I took an overdose but Iím sure the large amount of sprits I had consumed ultimately saved my life by making me uncontrollably . But that was it I was over a hurdle after that things got better, I started to feel better maybe the brief brush with death brought me a new lease of life, I donít know or maybe it was the realisation of the selfishness of my actions. After that I could sleep again. Still to this day Iím not too sure why I could. Maybe thatís all that I needed something to make me realise how precious life really is. A day later after taking a trip to the gym and actually being able to eat something I had a phone call, it was her, she was crying, naturally I was concerned, she refused to tell me what was what was wrong, but when she told me to meet her at the airport I knew where she had been. Sheíd been at his house. Now where most people would hear this maybe they would feel anger or betrayal, but I did not, I loved her so much I just wanted to be with her, and I knew something had happened that would change the situation that we were in, when I got to the airport she ran up to me and started to cry and then admitted that they started to have sex but she stopped it all because she could stop thinking about me, she told me that she loved and that she was a fool for dumping me in the first place, she spent the weekend at mine and the relationship started again but this time it felt different I knew this time that her love for me was true. A couple of weeks past and it was Christmas, Christmas is my favourite time of year, itís the one time of year that everyone is actually nice to one another, Iím not sure why but to me the world just seems a much better place when people show compassion for one another and spend time on doing things for people other than themselves, but this year was made even more important because of her. I loved it just being with her made it so much better than normal, time started to fly by I loved the time I spent with her. but then shortly after new years it hit me yet again I was back to sitting awake at night, for no reason at all I didnít know why just something wasnít right I just didnít know what, a few weeks later we broke up again was that why I couldnít sleep? Did I know? Could I feel it? My heart shattered yet again, she tells me she wants to try again but take things slow, ďdo I believe her again?Ē I thought to myself, but yes, yes I do, I love her and will do anything to be with her, I know throughout this what ever you call it? Short biography? Log? Story? She may have been portrayed as the villain, this is not the case, even through all of this she was all ways there for me making sure I was stronger enough as a person to cope, without even knowing it saved my life she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, her smile warms me, her eyes are so bright that some time I canít look away, the way that she talks, the way that she holds my hand, her laugh I love her from the depths of my heart. so last night we agreed to meet up for a drink and try and talk about things, the night went ahead as planned and we end up back at mine, we were categorically battered, she told me that we could get back together, that we would go to Spain in the summer, and that we could do everything we ever planned, I was over the moon I was so happy that she shared my dreams. She stayed at mine and I slept for more than a couple of hours for first time in couple of days, I woke up in the morning and she was gone? When I caught up with her later that day I found out that she canít remember what she said and when I told her she said...... well she didnít say anything but just by her face I could tell. I could feel my heart sink, I couldnít believe it. But she says she is still willing to take it slow, all I can do is be me, let her know that I love her, and be patient.

You may be able to tell that my style of writing has changed somewhat throughout this ďletterĒ I started to write this the other night, the darkness had returned, that was quite possibly the hardest night of my life, I laid awake all night battling the thoughts trying to push them out, so I started writing this just to try and help get the thoughts on paper maybe it would make things clearer, and it has, just by writing everything out I can see what Iíve been blessed with, that life may have times when things get hard and the darkness consumes me but I know that Iím now strong enough to cope with it, it doesínt scare me anymore. even now I canít sleep but at least I donít have the thoughts anymore I know its early days but each time itís been getting easier and easier. I donít know what will happen in the future but all I know is that Iím a better person than what I was all because of her, even now I still love her, she brightens my day with her smile, I donít know if she will ever read this but if she does Robyn I love you with all my heart and I will be eternally grateful for what you have done for me. X

My name is mark. But thatís just my identity you are who I truly am.

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