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      Im Tired of Breaking


He was just a friend at first, I never saw him as anything else than funny, dorky David. And then one day he texted me and told me he liked me and that he wanted to be my boyfriend. Hell broke loose at that moment, and all my misery started. I realized I liked him. And yet I said no. I wasnt allowed to have a boyfriend and I had never lied to my parents. But temptation was always lurking with the sparkle in is eyes, with his sweet words and heat-producing touch. I gave in- sort of. He was the first and only guy I ever french kissed and permitted to touch my stomach. Its not as inciting as it sounds. I was uncomfterable the whole time. French kissing? Horrible and tasteless and sloppy exchange of saliva. Touching of the stomach? Uncomfterable and embarassing and self-concious act of scrutinizing your fat. So yeah...I just wanted to make him happy, even if it meant doing things I didnt really enjoy or like for that matter. I idealized him, worshipped the ground he walked upon, saw him as the most wonderful and beautiful being of the universe. I was a puppet under his control, magnetized by his "love" and intoxicated by his prescence. How much did our relationship last? Eight months. Very short compared to our two and a half year friendship. And so was I puzzled when after having chased me for so long, he got tired of me so soon. He started ignoring me, ignoring my calls, e-mails,and I just couldnt get a hold of him. After two months, I got tired of begging and hurting, so I confronted him through a direct and somewhat rude e-mail. What did my beloved David respond? Well, first of all, he only went out with me to have a girlfriend, he didnt love me, he was disgusted by my kisses, and he only enjoyed the chase and conquest...This was the wonderful and perfect guy to whom I had lied to my parents for, gone against my convictions, gave my first kiss at age 16, and risked everything for.

Needless to say, I was devastated. I really thought he was the one. I was willing to sacrifice everything for him, Id give him my life, cross the ocean to see him and accept hours of torture for his well-being. And all hed ever do for me was brake my heart and slap my love away. He just threw me in the trash as if I were disposable or something. I felt very USED. I was pissed off, extremely mad...but more than anything, I was upset with myself. I had permitted this to happen to me.

Four months later I again went against my convictions and started having another secret boyfriend. The second. It was a bad idea. I hadnt completely recovered from Davids damage and there I was exposing myself again. But I learned this time, I learned not to trust too much and not fall head-over-heels in love. I NEVER french-kissed him nor permitted him to place his hands under my shirt. He said I was beautifull, that he couldnt believe that I had laid my eyes on him. Oscar was very good at sweet talking. He gave me the attention that David had never given me. He had been in love with me since seventh grade and finally, senior year, I was his.There was a whole bunch of drama with him: his girlfriend catched us kissing, he broke up with her to be with me, but then I didnt want to know anything about him because I found he had been lying to me a lot. But he keept sending me heart-breaking e-mails that finally convinced me to give him a second chance. He couldnt be happier. Right. He couldnt be happier that he started cheating on me with his ex and I wouldnt of ever found out if it werent because she called me to tell me everything....So I broke up with him since he apperently had wanted to brake up with me and I had been a huge mistake, as he confided with his ex. Its hard to look at him every day in third period. Not because I feel anything for him, but because I miss the feeling of being wanted. And because the only feeling Ive ever gotten is of being used and lied to. It hurts. Im tired of breaking. Im tired of exposing my soul and having guys step on it. But I know that its my fault. I permitted this to happen. I should value myself more, step up for my desires and not only consent to whatever they want from me. From now on, it will be ME who controls THEM. They will abide to my wants and be happy making me happy. Thats what guys really want- TO BE UNDER THE SPELL OF A GIRL, and not for the girl to be under their spell because then they lose interest. And thats the way it should be. The girl controls the guy, and the guy loves being appreciated by the girl and fullfilling her expectations because if he does it right that makes him feel awesome, its a sort of reflection of his hard work, and the girl savors the attention and admiration...everyones happy.Also, I realized that secret boyfriends are a BAD idea. If the guy really respects you, hell never be content with that, hed want you to be his girlfriend openly and give you your rightful place. Right now, I am happily single, throwing admirers away. I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to, but I wont until I get official permission because then it would be just problems like Ive experienced. True love never escapes you. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Im not missing out on anything, I have a whole life ahead to find a guy who really does love me and would do anything for me. Theres no rush in finding your soulmate. Why settle for inmature high school guys if i can wait for a mature and great guy in the future? Because I deserve better. All girls deserve better than jerks, and we should never settle with liars or guys who dont respect us or love as as we do them. Remember that we are better than that.


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