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      Giving My Heart to Him


Giving My Heart to Him

We met back in high school.

He was a strange boy; very knowledgeable, arrogant, argumentative and quite stubborn. He was very handsome, though he almost never made use of it. Many girls were drawn to him because he was both good-looking and unique. However, more often than not, they found him difficult to handle. If you were going to be with him, you had to tolerate long-drawn arguments with random people and a quirkiness that was adorable until it became over-the-top.

I would say the day that initiated our friendship was the day I took him aside to lecture him about the way he was arguing with a teacher. I found it disrespectful and wanted to let him know it. It is hard to understand how such an episode can bring two people together, but we quickly became close friends.

The whole school knew we were inseparable. We spent every possible minute together and it wasn’t long before rumours circulated about our “involvement”.

I suppose it wasn’t long before those rumours became true.

Another friend of mine told me that he had fallen in love with me. I couldn’t believe it and began crying. I didn’t know how to react. I thought I might have feelings for him but I was scared.

The days went by as he grew more and more attached to me. He told me he loved me so often that I didn’t know how to respond. I became more and more insecure, more afraid. No one had loved me that intensely, at least not openly. I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I had had feelings for him. However, it wasn’t enough.

Things steadily got worse as I refused to be completely open with him about my feelings. When he finally figured out that I couldn’t quite reciprocate his feelings the way he might have liked, he became depressed and I became evasive.

I graduated high school, moved far away and thought I’d be able to forget him, and that he’d forget me. I convinced myself he couldn’t possibly have loved me that deeply, that it was just a short-term interest in an idealized image of a good friend.

A few years passed with sparse communication.

I got involved with a man I later regretted ever getting to know. He got involved with a girl that he felt deeply for.

A few months after my relationship had ended, we started talking again. It felt like we had gone back to the pleasant times before all the troubles and I began feelings things for my old friend. Things became intimate, and I became sure he must have some unresolved feelings for me.

I became brave one night and asked him if he thought we might still have a chance at a future. He told me he didn’t know if he could love me the same way ever again.

A little heartbroken, I continued to talk to him. I hadn’t completely identified the depth of my feelings for him so I could accept a friendship. Although I oscillated back and forth a lot, I knew inside I could truly love him and that we could have a wonderful life together -- even if I couldn’t quite admit it to myself just yet.

We talked more and more often. When he finally gathered the courage, he admitted that he cared deeply about me, but that he was actually involved with the other girl still. He said he cared about us both, that we were both so similar. Still, he was attached to her.

I told him I didn’t mind. I told him I’d accept his friendship, even if that’s all I would get. It hurt me to say it, but I knew I could handle it. Besides, if it was meant for us then we would find a way.

Things went downhill for him with the other girl. Pretty soon they parted due to irreconcilable differences. I provided him with a listening ear when he needed to vent. I tried not to bring up my own feelings. He was facing a harsh rejection for the second time in his young life -- the first being my fault. I didn’t want to complicate matters further.

Finally, there came the day where he admitted how much he liked me. He admitted that I meant so much to him and that, when the circumstances were less difficult for him, he would be so happy to be with me. He found it hard to say the three words I desperately wanted to hear -- “I love you”. I, too, found it difficult to say. He was still not over the other girl.

But we found other ways to express the feelings we bore inside.

He has come a long way from the boy I met in high school. He’s still quite eccentric, but such a wonderful and amazing human being. I have hope the day will come when things will settle and we’ll finally be able to pursue the rest of our story together.

Until then, our unspoken bond shall remain; strong and permanent, I hope.


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