Love it and Let Go
I am 21 years of age, ive been through my fair share of relationships even just at this tender age alone.
alot of them long term and alot of them, i gave myself to somebody who didnt appreciate nor bother to try to apprecaiate me until i met this one that stood out from the rest, or so i thought.
His name was Chris, he was a year older than me and although having gone to the same school we had never really crossed paths, we got to know eachother through mutual friends and eventually ended up together, after 3months together we decided we were ready to move out, defying all odds we did, and we lasted not without any drama.
Majority of the time our relationship was sweet, we were best friends, i thought id met my soul mate totally and completely, i understand it takes 2 to tango and im sure i did my fair share in the relationship also..
There were times where we would both combust, not scream at eachother but literally launch tornadoes at eachother in a hope that one of us would get so hurt something would change, we both did end up very hurt after every fight there was something that needed to be fixed and after everytime he did something so unacceptable i always forgave him, from smashing my car windscreen, our walls in our house our front window, etc. he wasnt violent towards me as per say, but he was to our property, none the less i loved him more than i loved life itself.
It got to a point after 14months we decided to move back home, well we had to the real estate had complained and we really had no option, at this time, we found it hard to be together, especially when you go from spending every single day with someone to having to live under your parents rules again etc. and it wasnt working, time out or a break was needed never did i decide that was the end.
during this break we still saw eachother every day, we still were intimate, we still were exactly the same as we ever were.
The past month, things have changed, hes moved in with mates and last week i found myself in the lowest of lowest states, after my 21st birthday i had decided that i had what it took to mend what we had, to put him before anything else and make him mine not that he wasnt already but you know to get back to our roots how we were.
it was then he decided this wasnt the right time for him, yet he was happy to still use me for his convenience he had lost his licence, so i was easy to keep around, i would bend over backwards for him, he would still sleep with me, tell me he loved me and kept telling me he would make up his mind within a matter of 2 weeks, HOW DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE BEEN WITH FOR OVER A YEAR THAT 2 WEEKS WILL DECIDE THE DECISION. Me being stupid accepted this, he then invited me around to sleep over, however when i go there he wasnt home, i waited and waited and waited, 2 hrs later he arrived, drunk as a skunk, and not my normal Chris, he automatically demanded sex and was so nasty to me i said when i walked out that would be it, he let me, several times, and every time i went back, bawling my eyes out, i couldnt breathe and he just sat there and looked at me, telling me he didnt need me anymore and had moved on, he watched me literally die inside, so when i left i told myself that was it.
He tried contacting me the next day, i couldnt answer, eventually my heart got the better of me and i went again to see him that night so he could explain i suppose, same thing, i sat there numb i hadnt eaten slept anything i was a mess shaking couldnt speak and i just sat on his bed staring at the wall motionless he just watched, and couldnt tell me anything i wanted to hear, he wanted to work on it but not be official (use me in other words)
once again i left in the same state i had the night before.
that night i ended all contact, deleted numbers pictures everything i couldnt beleive that someone i loved so much with my EVERYTHING would make me feel so small, so inadeqaute i would have taken a bullet for him.
i asked him never to contact me and at least allow me to move on.
at that point i felt like i could die and id be happy.
he didnt listen he proceeded to contact me, that night, the next morning, the next day with msgs and emails.
until eventually he didnt, there was a brief break of about 2 or so days with nothing no contact nothing it was as if he didnt exist and even in that short amount of time, my heart did heal a tiny bit. Then he decided to come back into my life telling me it could work and it would and we would try. so for the past 5 days i have been giving him everything he wants at the same time knowing it wasnt getting me anywhere.
today he still has no answer for me brushing me aside without any emotion or anything, saying hes too hurt from the intial break up after we moved out to have me back.
Well this time, ive ended it with him, this time, although similar to last, i am stronger, its only been a week, but with friends, time, family i know in my own heart that i am stronger and i deserve better than that, it doesnt matter if little bits of my heart crack every time i think of him, it means i care and at least i can say i did. Sometimes i do feel like i cant go on without him, sometimes and there has been times i feel like dyeing, like he was my everything, but then i remember back to who i was before i met him, its not the be all end all anything can be fixed and i can fix this myself but i need to do it for me. and i will. then one day ill look back and he will be nothing.