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      My missing rib is not her but him..


i was quite clueless of having a girlfriend in my entire life.i never dream of something a romantic date, even dream of lying with a girl in a dense garden where she and i would talk for a while or even court her for many months. i see this like a naked man who is a shame to display his physique in the public. im now 18, most would say i should have at least one or even two at a time.. i think catching a goldfish in a vast ocean is not a race might think of me that i am this neird, school house routine only, wears thick eyeglasses or worst who is preppy in all occasions. i would only laugh, becasue i am this outspoken, vulgar, national bestfriend at all times and of course who is fond of making jokes even if it nonsense. i never had a chance to experience first love or even tell my mates i have a crush..not really. .but i guess i have a good reason why is it i have a "girl phobia". Out of my image as like a man, was the heart who seek for a love of a man. yes youre right im looking for a man-to-man relationship. Im not saying im a gay or a frustated underdeveloped feminine but i guess i would call my self as a bisex. yes probably yes..its not a real man that im looking for but a real bi too..i found this when one day i had a close friend, a guy,a doctor,handsome and all, who think of me as if im that really a man. we hang out one gloomy afternoon in a coffie shop when we saw a young beatiful girl,alone eating with a siopao..with his yet to be raging of hormones, he forces me to talk with that girl . I dont have courage anyway, but as for friend sake i get up and talk to that girl .you might thinking i was asking for that girl to talk with me but its not..i was talking with her to introduce that damn doctor friend of mine. and later that day, i was like a tail of a long kite following the two "clouds"..Following that day, i was surprised as he announces thay were officialy boyfriend and girlfrend.. i dont know whats going on into my hormones when suddenly i felt imbalance inside.. my troat are in spasm, my hands tremors and my heart beats a little more faster.. i think...i think im getting jealous.. i could not explain how was this happen.. that was my first time to felt like tingling sensation in my spine and nerves. later that days, i decided not to see him or even visit him in his clinic. I know il be hurt if i would hear those sweet yet irritating stories of him with that girl..he even call me from now and then, and texted me like "hey boy, couple of times you were not visiting me, wats wrong?" and" lets hang out for a while".. i would not love to hear all of this text anymore.. its not his fault anyway.. its within me. i was a shamed of having this feeling. everytime i hike hundred steps away from him the more my brain runs to think of him,.but this just ended when he texted me one cold night " please come with me, i dont know what to do , shes not mine now" of course im quite happy yet disturbed of what happen.i rush into his apartment and see him like a patient dying for stress, he tries to bleed yet telling me not ot bring him in the hospital, its just a simple cut.he suddenly hug me, cried over my shoulder and talk like " im sorry , i rather die being with you than making life miserable with that damn girl, i need you and i love you" ..i was dumbfounded, i could still hear his words echoed in my ears, i could not understand his last words!.. was it he feels the same thing? or its just that hes in depressed and talked something weird? i presume not..i embrace him back yet i felt im weak and fragile.....later that time, i calm him and let him rest.. i get out puzzled and fragile..oh god! send my love to his nightdream..


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