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      Confusion

     


so i met my first love my first year of high school. Everything was perfect. About the end of my sophmore year and the begining of my junior year things started to fall apart. I met someone lets just say him name is jack. Jack was the most beautiful caring guy i had ever met. It was more than just a sexual attraction that pulled us together. it was a friendship. He listened to me and i listened to him. In fact we only kissed once the entire time we were talking. Well i ended up hurting Jack a total of thhree times going back and forth from my fist love, which ill name jose, back to jack. I just seemed like every time me and jose were having a hard time jack was always there to console me and give the attention that i longed for. The last time i was with Jack is where all of my problems begin.It was over the last summer that i hookd up with jack and it was like living in a fairytale. we would sit out in the yard for hours just holding eachother and talking. we were constantly on the phone and texting bc he worked alot. but the time that we did spend together was like living in a dream. i can never stop thinking about how beautiful that boy is. well of course over that same period of time my ex was calling and showing up at my door step. i always told him i didnt want to get back together but never told him about jack and never told jack about jose. around the end of the summer i ended up messing around with jose behind jacks back. once school started up again i started to feel guilty and told jack that i needed space. jose started talking to me telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and of course ifell for it again. Right as i was about to tell Jack the truth, Jose went to talk to him i guess bc he had heard rumors. well everything came out and they both hated me. i all of a sudden felt like the most horrifying person in the world. I could not believe that i would try to be with jack after everything me and jose had been through. and i couldnt believe that i would stab jack in the back like he had ment nothing to me. so i decided to fight for jose. and i adventually won him back. now i am at a crossroads. i have managed to apologize to jack and make him a friend again. and i am realizing that our summer fling may have ment more to me than i thought. I think im in love. deeply in love with jack. i am still in a realationship with jose and i am so scared that if i leave him again i will regret it again. and i am scared that jack will reject me for the obvious reason that i have hurt him so much. i think that the only reason i wanted to be with jose so much is bc he was my first love, my first for everything in fact. he was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first love, and i lost my virginity to him. now i am looking back at jose and i feel like im holding on to something that is imposable. i wanted to make it work witht he guy i gave eveything to but mabye i just need to let go bc its just a fantasy. jack is always on my mind. I want to scream out to him that i love him and want to hold him and be with him again but i think its too late. he is about to go off to university and i will probably never see him again. i dont want to hold him back. But i cant get these feelings out of my heart and just thinking about the sound of his voice makes me tingle and smile. I want another chance but i know it would too much to ask for. i wish i could go back to that summer. i would do anything to be back in his arms safe and happier than i have ever been in my entire life. any comments?

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