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      Love is confusing

     



We met when we were very young, I was 17 and he was 18. We have been together for five years, we have a daughter she is three years old. We didn't want to get married because we knew we were to young but we stayed together because we had a family of our own.


The first three years were not great for me, he lied and cheated on me. He would sneak around with other girls and when I confronted him he would lie to my face. I wanted to leave so bad but I was afraid that I would never find someone else to love me. How many times I couldn't take it anymore and I told him to leave, when he was leaving I would chase him and beg him to stay because I was scared to be alone and convinced myself to keep staying with him and I told myself to believe that one day he will see me for who I am and love me. But a person can only take so much, right! Finally last time I told him to leave he left, I was so scared and I sat there crying, I felt so alone and useless.


I didn't cry for long and after the first day when I knew he was gone, I felt like I could breathe and the answer came to me that I didn't need someone to love me but I needed myself to love me for who I am! So that is what I did. First time in many years I was laughing, smiling and talking to other people. A month later I started to see another man and when that happened I knew that there is life after love that I could begin again and I didn't feel ugly anymore to opposite sex.


This didn't last for long because as soon as my ex boyfriend found out he started to call me all the time. We started talking and he wanted to come back. So I thought since I am stronger than I was before I'd give him another try, not only for him but for me to show myself that I can be in a relationship for me and also did it for our daughter. It was great, everything was going good. At first I was waiting for him to mess things up but over the years he has become the person that I knew he could be.


Finally when he looked at me all I saw was love. He change his bad habits, he stopped lying and cheating, and I couldn't believe it. This man loves me not just a part of me, but all of me, he loved this relationship.

But I have secret, all this time when he was making this relationship work, I was holding back. I built myself up to stand up to the man he was before, and now I don't know how to love this man. I keep thinking one day he will leave, so why should I work to change for him? But you guess it he never left nor did he ever plan to leave. I was used to feeling hurt by this man and all he gives is love now. And now all I feel is pain, that pain to give myself the chance to stand up to it or feel normal.


One day I told my secret to him thinking he will leave and I was wrong. He stayed and everyday that he stayed I treated him badly being controlling and selfish not wanting him to be around anybody but me. I knew what I was doing and every time I did it felt bad and I kept telling him to leave... that he doesn't deserve this, it wasn't my choice for him to leave. but as time went on I was getting worse and the solution was for him to leave, so I could be alone and work on myself. So for months I told him to leave, finally he went and now I am alone to think.


I am still very confused about what is going wrong with my relationship with this man.

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