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      The loss of a close friend and heartbroken

     


Recently, I was helping a long-time friend (girl a) cope with her break up with her 1.5 year boyfriend. She told me he cheated on her, and is now dating someone else. I spoke to her everyday; she asked me to her winterball which I went to. We had a blast, and we texted everyday following. We started hanging out whenever we got the chance, I finally had the feeling that she was interested in me; constantly texting me, visiting me at work. I started hanging out with her and her friends more often, and I would pay for every dinner we all shared because I enjoyed their company so. I started to become interested in her friend, letís say sheís girl b; who is also having some problems with her ex boyfriend. Girl a had a emotional breakdown the night before valentines day, it was 12 am and I had just gotten off work, I made the 30 minute drive to her house to comfort her. On valentines day her and her friends went out to dinner; I had asked girl b to be my valentine she said yes. So girl a and I went shopping for valentines day gifts after I finished work. I told her to pick out flowers she thought were nice and a balloon, she did; I bought them for her and told her happy valentines day. From then on we still talked constantly. Recently, we had sex; but that night changed everything. She told me later that night she had feelings for me, I was confused because she was acting way different, ignoring my text messages, replying differently. She had asked me to prom prior to that day, and she uninvited me last night and told me she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend. The downward spiral began, I donít know what to do anymore, who to turn to, it seems like she is happy as can be. I feel used and drained; itís like we switched positions sheís happy and Iím miserable. Girl b occasionally turns to me for advice and we have a good time talking/going out but sometimes neglects me. Iím pretty sure she will be going away for college. Up to that point I had no idea I had such strong feelings for girl a; I knew I had some but not this much. It does not shame me to say I cry because things are different. To cope with my stress and these types of situations I lift weights and go to the gym; now itís not working Iím lifting weights until I can not lift a finger, run miles till I canít run anymore to no avail. I lost a dear friend I may have taken for grant it. I hate waking up to a phone with no new text messages. The minute she woke up she would always text me. I miss having someone to talk to and keep me company. Iíve been clumsy and stupid lately; I never get like thisÖ I feel so alone and out of place. Iím trying to be happy but itís so tough; sheís always on my mind. I thought I was the one changing her life and helping her, when in fact she was the one who was helping me deal with mine. I just didnít realize it until she was gone. Itís as if we switched places, Iím the person who needs help, and sheís the content happy one. Iím not sure if itís more of a broken heart, the fact that I lost another friend, or maybe even a combination of both. I said all there is to possibly say regarding the issue (without being too desperate). I donít know what to do, I want things to go back to normal, but I know I canít change the past and I might have to live with things the way they are. I try talking to her as a casual friend but she makes it very hard and I try so hard. At this point Iíve concluded that things will never go back to the way they used to be, and as much as I want it to I know it just wonít happen. Knowing this, how can I go on with my life without suffering this much?

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