I believe the tune went "Every New Beginning - Is Another Beginning's End..." These are the lines, which kept running through my head the night of our 25th wedding anniversary. A night in which others would find sheer joy in attaining, we found the quiet realization that we had finally reached and concluded our journey which began so many years past.
It was I, who had to bring the unpleasant topic to the front of all other conversation, as I could no longer continue to share the silence we were both enduring from the previous months spent "alone, but together" in each other's company.
We both searched desperately for the one aspect we seemed to have lost for each other. The sadness, we both shared when that one ingredient was finally found, is impossible to properly convey this moment. Simply put - we had lost our ~:~respect~:~ for each other.
There was no need to go into the "who done what to whom", as there seemed plenty of blame to freely pass around. The point in the end was that, neither of us cared what the other thought of each other because of our total loss of respect for the other. We concluded our findings by comparing ourselves to a couple arguing for a long period of time in a "greenhouse" - a place where things are supposed to grow. When one argues in a "greenhouse" and starts throwing "rocks" at the other, a pane of glass is broken each time the other dodges and weaves to miss the "hurt" which is thrown. It does not take many of these dodges, weaves and windowpane breaks to occur before the couple realizes they are now no longer standing in a "greenhouse" but rather standing in silence in a pile of broken glass with the relationship they both so prized, now scattered with the wind.
I filed for the dissolution of our marriage this week, as I felt it imperative one of us make the first move to "free" us both from the pain we feel- my urgency, I cannot explain with this writing. Suffice to say, I think the new agenda which we both find ourselves compelled to follow, can be summed up in the lines of yet another tune. "I will give up this fight, as I cannot make you love me if you don't - I can't make your heart care if it won't".
Too late found - but just as important to understand - is that you do not have to experience the loss of "respect" for each other as long as you appreciate the uniqueness of your other half, and share that same appreciation with your significant other, through any form of communication available to you.
The academy award winning performances we put on for each other in the absence of all - audiences will never know...