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      I Once Never Knew What Love Was All About. (Long Story)

     


I once never knew what love was all about. I would see it on TV and think nothing of it, I would think I would never understand those feelings, I would hear about it, happening to friends and family and still not understand...



Itís been a long hard four years since i left school, I donít know why I left only that I knew I had to get out.

I think.. I think I suffer from depression. I finally found love though.. Or so I thought.



It was with a twenty-one year old when I was fifteen, what I was thinking back then was I needed someone new in my life and what mattered didnít seem to matter to her.. An online relationship.. Could it work? Can it work? Would it ever work?.. Those were questions I had never asked myself... from that point on, my life changed... Forever.



I knew from then on I was not a kid anymore, I had ruined my life and shut myself away from everyone I knew and cared about.. I had lost everything.



All I had left was this game and the people on it.. The friends I had made but would never meet.. The friends that I had made being who I really was.. They could but would never judge me..



The girl.. Twenty-one years old, I did not believe myself, I had feelings for a 21 year old.. Why and how?.

I knew I would never meet her, and she had other boyfriends, I tried to make sense of it all but after time, it got more and more deep.. We chatted on yahoo.. Something I downloaded only for her..

It became very strange, I liked it though.. It went on for one and half years. But with all that time, came drama.. This is when I knew who I was, who I was becoming... And the start of me finding out my depression.



Me and her fought, we had fallen out many times... But ended back up together each time hurting each of us and what we had left each time...



It got to the point where I couldnít stand it.. If this is what love was then I did not like it, I wanted out... but I could not get myself to...

More and more time went on, me in this state of mind, thinking I was in love when really, well I was just about to find out... What love.. Really is.





One day I was in the clan on the game, and was talking to my friends like always, I remember that night easierly, I was doing the fishing skill trying to get the level to 99, however this time there was someone else in the clan I had never noticed before, I had never spoke to her and did not even know who she was. At the time I did not know what I was doing or what it would do, how it would affect everything that was going on in my life, I spoke to her randomly that day, I made jokes.. By the name I knew she was young, I asked the other people in the clan and they said it was the twenty- one year olds sister, so I knew she had to be fairly young as well.. The jokes I made were silly yet fun, I remember them as well, it was something about rabbits, but yet I was also asking her for a picture, I canít remember why now.. It kept us talking though and throughout the night we became better friends... every day after that it seemed just like we were friends, we would always joke about and have fun but, at some points I would ask for that picture but why!..But one day she finally gave me it and it showed a beautiful girl yet one that looked quite popular but at that point I didnít care, I was just happy she gave me her picture, it meant she trusted me...



We spoke through the game and through email, everyday becoming closer until one day out of the blue.... She said she loved me when she was leaving, I didnít have to time to react and so she had left before I could say anything else.. my mind filled with that one moment all night just waiting for the next day to come so I could ask her if she meant it, at that time I felt like it was something I really needed to know but I didnít know why, what would it mean, what would it change.. And how would it change anything.. She lived in the states just like the other girl yet she was younger, somehow I let this sway in my mind.. Did I care so much for this girl that I was falling for her as well.. She was all I could think about, somehow this was different then the first time.. Or should I say... the time I am still supposed to be in.



The next day had come and she did log in, the first thing I asked her was if what she said was true....she replied sayingĒof course it was... why would I make it upĒ, at that moment I was so happy, so much so that I thought I could never feel such happiness again, not even throughout the whole time I was in with the other girl. At that moment once again, everything changed.. I was in love, but it was somehow different then the first time, I suddenly wanted to be with her, I wanted to know everything about her.. I didnít want the time we had together to end... But with all that great happiness in my life, something was still there to hold it all back... And that was the current relationship I was in then.



I had to tell her that I was breaking up with her, this was the first time I had to do it but I did not think it all out.. At the time I didnít know how she would react, and when I did tell her.. She used it against me.

it turned out that this other girl was not her sister but just her sworn sister in a way, they were best friends on the game and I just pulled that apart, she used what I was saying against me and before I knew it, they both hated me.. I didnít know what was going on, I was to upset, I sent them both emailís with very little thought, I said mean stuff about how I didnít care about neither one when really I did still love.. But only with the young girl who I had just sent a mean email too.

I didnít know what I was going to do from that day on... I felt myself fall into deeper depression.



However it did not even cross my mind that this was just the start of it all and yet it was the end... The start of one love and the end of another... Yet the start of the hatred, lies and bitter war towards me and the friends I had made on the clan I was no longer a part of.



A few days had passed since the incident and I was still thinking of the girls, one had not signed in and the other was kept in the clan which I could not enter... I thought my chances were slim to none that I would be able to be friends with either one of them again so I sent an email to the young girl and I asked friends of the clan to ask the older girl if we could talk.. I didnít know why I wanted to become friends again after what she did to me and what I did to her, I kept telling myself and her that I still loved her, but deep down I knew that was not the reason.. I just wanted to be in the clan again and to be her friend, to my shock and surprise she forgave me and we were friends again... I was finally happy again.. But not less than a day later.. I got an email reply..

I was once again in trouble as the email said she forgave me and missed me, I was happy but sad, what I was going to do now that I was forgiven by both girls within two days... I knew deep down though.. I was going to tell the young girl that I have been forgiven by the older girl but felt nothing towards her and that I loved you.. Was that all a lie in my head though.. I donít think it was.. From then on all I cared about was this other girl that I loved.



After many weeks it did get to the older girl and I was no longer able to come back into the clan... However this time all the friends I had made stayed with me and not with her.. I was with everyone I cared about and finally happy..



Until it was reviled that the MySpace account I asked her and got all that time ago was not really hers all along with the pictures she had given me all. I was stupid enough to believe that the MySpace she had given me was really her as it didnít have her real name in it, it turned out to be her best friends... at that time I would have thought I would be angry about it.. But I was not, I had asked her and talked to her about it and because of that... she did give me her real MySpace, I was happy that she could finally trust me enough that she would finally give me her real MySpace and her real pictures... At this time she made a bebo, another networking site that I used.. She uploaded pictures and info about her and I finally felt closer to her, we then started to chat on its mail system as well.. I was finally happy for a long time.. And at that time was when I knew I was finally in love, it was amazing and I never wanted it to end.. I dreamt of the future we could of had.. And she agreed to it all...



Life went on, me and her grew more and closer even with the older girl trying to ruin everything... But with that and my depression, one thing always came back into my head... And that was the distance issue, could I ever really get to see and be with her... some nights I sat crying typing an email to her saying I have to let her go, so she could be happy with someone she could be with, but every time I did that, it would just hurt both me and her and we would end up back together, sometimes it was not that straightforward as she would meet other people, but who was also living far away from her.. It seemed I had lost everything to solve nothing... Why did I let myself do that?.. I donít know either... it had killed me inside with the ways I was acting... why would I do that to girl I had loved...



The last time I remember getting back together was thanks to a spam mail sent by her best friend using her email and not her friends own email... I had replied to it and she replied back saying that she knew me and asking what happened between me and her friend and we soon got into a conversation which later I found out that the she was sitting with her... It turned out to be a blessing as we spoke for hours sending emails backwards and forwards. Thanks to her friend we got back together but just.. As friends.



I remember the last time we really needed each other and that was when I was on holiday, I used to go on the pay to use computer and net just so I could speak to her and her friend..



Once I got back though, everything changed.



The first time I entered her clan chat on the game, there was another boy in there.. It stunned me.. He turned out to be her almost 1 year boyfriend who was also only an online boyfriend.. Atop of all that, he also seemed to be very mean and arrogant.. Once she logged on I asked her about who he was and how much of a jerk he was.. Long story short.. She was very angry with both of us.. But after a few more weeks.. She had chosen him... It was never the same from then on...



The last thing I can remember when we really talked was through a few last emails... In which they involved her mother... Who had finally found out all the drama that had happened.. And before I knew it.. She was kicked off the net for a long time and was forced to take down her MySpace and bebo and her best friends bebo that her friend made for me.. And also her brothers.



It had finally happened, the one thing that I feared most.. We had lost daily connection and for a long time.. She did not log on.. At all..



But what happened after was something that broke my heart.. I did not want to accept it but it all made sense... Even though there was no need for anything to make anymore sense.. She was gone and I had to face it.. But why did I have to find out something after all this time.



The only thing that was not taken down was the MySpaceís of her and her friends... I would check her MySpace every so often, thought-out the time I had it I would never message it, not once... I was also never allowed to add her friends my space either, I always asked both her and her friend but I was never given a straight answer..



But on that day.. I was finally going to get the answer I could of got so many months before....



I had noticed that the activity on the girls MySpace did not stop or even change after her banning from the net and I was confused.. So I messaged the MySpace when someone was online, it turned out that MySpace was not hers.. But someone elseís with the same name..



After a few hours of talking to her and the friend I knew so much about.. I found out something..

The girl I loved had lied to me and everyone she ever knew online.. She had used stolen pictures of another girl and used them on her bebo and showed everyone... at that moment I broke down, and I felt myself falling even deeper into depression... Why did she do it...? Why did it have to happen to me...?



I responded to this by telling everyone on bebo that she knew and everyone on the online game including the boy she had chosen over me and her old boyfriend who she had left for me who was in fact still in love with her... but once I told them, they were heartbroken.. One even left the game and as for the other, went into anger and did not want to accept it.. He just blocked himself off from everyone to do with her.. I had also showed everyone her real MySpace which she did use, of course that was the only slip up she could have as she needed it to be added as a friend on the other girls MySpace to get the pictures... She had lost everyone that really cared for her.. Including me... Without knowing it... and no one could tell her... To this day though I donít think she even cares...



After many weeks of her banning... She did log on again for one day... In which she found out everything that had been found out.. After along time of chatting. I told her I would always love her for what I knew she was... and long story short, she responded by saying she hated me.. And left.. Again..



I swore to myself on that day that I would never love again.. As I could not take it anymore.. 3 years of all that killed what was left of me inside.. I felt as I was falling deeper into depression again..

The next times she would log in from time to time was different... she had seemed different and acted different.. But at one time.. She asked if we could have one more chance.. To be together.. It was my choice and I always wanted her to ask.. But my answer for her that time... was no.. And so after that time.. She would act differently again... Gaining different friends yet losing everyone that knew her before... As they felt didnít know her anymore... Including the ever heart strong old boyfriend she had.



I knew from then on.. The girl I knew was gone.. She would still log on from this day.. But it wouldnít be her.. It would be someone I felt I donít even know.



I had loved and lost twice... And I swore that would be the last..



But no... There is still... one more person...



A few days had passed since me and her spoke for real when one day I found out my cousin was having a sleep over with a new friend of hers, I had never heard of her before apart from that day... I heard her over the phone and expected very little, just another stuck up girl... But oh how I was wrong...



I once again remember the moment like it was yesterday.. I was watching scrubs while eating chips.. I heard my cousins voice through the window... she wanted me to meet her and her new friend... I stood up from my bed and that first time I sat eyes on her... I felt something... like my heart skipped a beat... I quickly regained myself after quickly going away from the window... and went back to the window and made a joke... and she laughed, she was amazing... the most amazing laugh you would ever hear. I was asked to go to the back garden to talk and so I did, I sat on the shed outside and acted like I always did... and I could tell she liked me... and I liked her, even though I knew nothing about her..



That night I went back to the back garden where her and my cousin was sleeping in the tent, I was messing about for about 2 hours when I was asked if I could go over and go in the tent with them... from up close she was even more beautiful...



that night we had the best night we have had in a long long time.. It was the most unforgettable night I have ever had even after everything that had ever happened... in that night however I always had that thought going through my head... what was I doing, I told myself time and time again I would not love again...



The day after the sleep over, I had a request from her to be added on msn... I accepted it and from then on, we talked which seemed to go on forever, and I loved it, we got to know each other more and more we grew closer... a few weeks later I found out she was once again sleeping over my cousins in the tent, and this time i was determined to get into the tent again for the night..



After waiting outside for about an hour I started to give up hope as I wasnít able to join them seeing as her mom was still up, I would go in and out the house, never giving up when finally I could go over.. And again it was an amazing night... and then it happened... the moment I fell in love all... over... again.



At one point me and her locked eyes, we stared for at least five seconds which at that point I felt something inside... and quickly looked away, it was something I had never felt before... not even during the last two times But of course this time, I was with the girl, and not online.. Later that night we spoke for hours as my cousin laid there asleep... But if only I knew... that would be the only time me and her... would speak to each other face to face easerly.

After that night... we talked more and more on msn, when one day she said she wanted to ask me something... To quote she said... ďIf I ask you a question do you swear to answer ď...? I said sure, her laptop internet turned off again at that point in which it always used to do... she replied a few minutes saying ď it turned off, what did you say? Do you promise to answer truthfully? Ē, in which I replied yes...

She then asked me if I really did like her or did I just speak to her because she was talking to me... I replied saying that of course I did like talking to her... At that moment I couldnít believe she asked a question like that, but then what came after was even more surprising. She said that she felt she needed to know as everyone else she knew that appeared to be her m8 would turn on her if something went wrong... She then went on to say please, I really want to know as the nights in the tent were great... I agreed... She went on to say that people she knew would always pretend to be her friend and that she would hate that I would do that to her as she really liked me... I couldnít believe she would say that as all I could think about was how great she was and how anyone could not like her... why would anyone want to hurt her...



Then she said something that always brings a tear to my eye every time I read it... ďur greeat - you know that?Ē ... I was so stunned that I replied with a joke, saying no I did not know lol, thanks... she replied saying well I am, and that one day I will get over the other girl I used to love.. She knew all of that as I had told her before... I had only ever told her that and my best friend, and more importantly... she remembered... She said I will find a girl that will fully appreciate me and would never let me go... I yet again replied with a joke. She asked me if I believed her, in which I said no I donít, itís hard to know these sorts of things... which I really did think at the time. She said to trust her... the girl will one day find me and will never let me go, she will always trust me and understand me... after that we chatted some more about it, If I still believed it and if I was just going with what she was saying.. After that she said ďbut I am serious, you will. But you will have to recognise the signs of her liking you because she wonít make the first move, ^^she will be too scaredĒ. At that moment I knew what was coming, and deep down I really wanted it... I really liked her and I knew she liked me too, but I wasnít sure... so I stalled, all I could say was uhmmm... she said that I must she think was psycho now in which I quickly said no to... no one said anything for a few minutes, she had broke the silence by asking what I was thinking... it was then or never, I had to ask, I said ďIím thinking about what u just said but I am serious, you will. But you will have to recognise the signs of her liking you because she wonít make the first move, are u trying to say something... Because Iím not good at reading signs... LolĒ in which she replied ďall I am saying is that maybe she would be too scared to admit it, maybe if he didnít realise she would be fine him not knowing, as long as she could keep talking to him. Maybe she is scared that if he knew he wouldnít want to see or talk to her again. But maybe she would hate keeping it a secret at the same timeĒ...



At that moment I knew what she was trying to say, and deep down I was happy... but I was also thinking to myself... could this really work, and could I take it after all that had happened to me... could I love again... And I choose yes...



I replied by saying wow and saying rawr which was a little thing we used to say to each other... it meant so much to us, she replied simply by saying ???.. And then ďyet maybe she knows that he doesnít feel the same, maybe she knows that things have happened to him and that what she wants will never happen. But maybe her greeatest fear is that he will never want to speak to her again... ď..



At that time I couldnít think... so I just said I had to go, she replied by saying my birthday, in which she remembered... I didnít leave for long though as I quickly logged back on because I needed to get it sorted... I asked if she liked me right there and then no messing around... in which she replied by just saying sorry, I asked if that meant no or yes, and she said itís a yes, she yes itís a sorry because she knows I donít like her the same way... I quickly said I do like you...



From then on we talked for some time about if it could work or not and if there would be any problems... in the end we agreed that we really liked each other... But there was one problem that was always in the way, and that was my cousin... we knew if she found out she would be harsh and break the friendship with her... we never knew why but we knew we had to keep it a secret... and thatís what we did.



Weeks went on with me and her talking all day long online or seeing each other when she at my cousins house... after time we started to say rawr more often which means I love you in dinosaur and even putting it as a personal message for everyone to see, it was a bit of fun but we did take it seriously, and after time we started to say love instead... until every day we would say I love you to each other... and I truly meant it...



One thing that never made sense to us after the first time we made it clear we liked each other was that we could never talk directly to each other for long, we would always sit in silence, neither of us could think of anything to say anymore, we would joke about and put it down to the fact that we had talked for a long time everyday online and that we finally ran out of stuff to say... Maybe it was that we became so shy around each other, whatever it was; it was a problem in some cases...



One day we went to the town fair that comes once a year, it was me, her and my cousin, and it was an amazing night, but one time it was just me and her on a ride while my cousin would sit and watch... the ride took about 10 minutes to start up, but in all that time we never spoke a word, it upset me that it happened and the memory of it is uncomfortable and upsetting, at that time we knew that it was a problem...



the next few weeks were the same, we would talk on msn.. and I was still in love with her, falling ever more... which became ever increasing problem as we begun to see less and less of each other, at the time we would never meet up, and I donít know why, we just never would... my depression was still with me and was taking over my mind again, one day I did what I did with the last girl, my mind kept telling me to let her go so she could be happy with someone else that is better then, but she would fight it saying there is no one better, it made my live for her stronger while it was tearing it apart for us, in the end we stayed together... until the second time I did it, when I completely broke down, we talked about all the problems, us two not seeing each other and the talking problem, and also the problem with my cousin... that second time was led to my depression, and in the end we told each other and our selfís that we would have to stop talking to each other for sometimes... Not long after though I had told one of her friends which kept asking questions, I gave in and told her everything, she promised to keep it a secret and she did, but I still feel that I broke the trust we had left.



After a few days we did start to talk to each other again, but somehow it didnít feel the same, it was more awkward... as time went on I tried so hard to get what we had back... I thought it was still there... I know I still loved her, but after time she started to come on msn less and less, and due to the weather and school, she would not come round my cousins house much after school and on weekends... it was slowing falling apart, when one day she said her dad was taking away the laptop away from her because she has been on it too much, at that moment I was scared, I needed her so I asked her if we could meet up... and to my happiness, she said yes.. she said she would love to... it was exactly what we needed and we made a date and time and everything, just two weeks until the day...



We chatted about the day coming up and we were both excited... but we both had the talking problem in our minds... But we ignored it.



The day finally came and we met up... we talked about what stuff that happened through-out the week and what our friends had been saying, just starting a conversation... But it didnít last long and we ended up not talking, neither of us could say much, I would sometimes make a joke to lighten the mood and to make her laugh... I wanted her to be happy and enjoy the walk but after the jokes and random stuff that lasted not longer than a minute, we would go back to quiet... we had been walking for about an hour and a half and yet only talked for about 20 minutes.. If you could call it talking, in my mind I kept yelling at myself... it was not going as planned... I made the excuse that it would get better by the time we get to where we was heading but then she got a phone call, I could see it broke her inside and it hurt me as well, it was her mom on the phone... she was told that she had to go home... after all the time we waiting and the time we walked saying nothing, is that what the day was going to end like... we stood there for about 10 minutes asking the same question, do we go back.. Does she go home... and in the end we said yes... we agreed that she had to go back... She looked hurt... it was killing me inside, I kept screaming in my mind ďGive her a hug, the hug u promised you would give her from day one... do it now!!Ē but I didnít... we walked all the way back even more quiet then before... we got back to where we had to split and we said bye and I let her walk away... I kept looking back and before long she was gone... I sat on a bench with no emotions left... I had lost hope... all I could feel was anger at myself...



I got home and just sat and cried... I could feel myself fall even more into depression... it was killing me now, I could not even think about anything else... Maybe I am to emotional, maybe I do have problems... all that going in my head... I sat and read the history... I thought about the time in the tent... I even once asked the people on yahoo answers about the talking problem, maybe I could find out what other people think... I wanted to change so we could be together... but a few days later came the thing that has truly broken my heart for the last time...



One day she logged on to msn and said ďmonths ago i promised you i wouldnt lead you on, i dont break promises... i thought that things have felt different recently, now i think its just me, ... i think im moving onĒ.. at that moment I knew I had lost her... the girl who said she loved me more then I loved her, the one who started it all... is now truly ending it... we talked and we talked and she just says she thinks differently about people and it wasnít me...





But after more talking about it she then finally said it... the thing to end the ends... ďAs I said... I was starting to get over you... and as I was... I started feeling more for someone elseĒ... All I could say was, I see... I had told her before that this would be the turnout... she did find someone better all along... she says we donít know that... Well I do, she had finally found someone better...



After the conversation ended... It was finally it... I had reached it... I had reached the bottom of depression... it was all over... it is all over...





So four years ago I never knew what love felt like... and not I do, but four years ago I never knew what depression would feel like... and now I do...

Itís over... I sit here now, my mind and heard fading away... not caring about myself more and more... soon I will be nothing...



Al I know is...



I once never know what love was all about... and now I wish I never found out.





End.





I apologize for the length of the story but its how I feel and itís a lot. Also sorry for the over use of full stops, its how I type... I know itís not amazingly typed out but I think i thank you if you read it all and make sense of it... Thank you again

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