Im deserve real love
I was 14 years old. i knew that i wasnt going to get kissed untill i was at least a junior in high school. and so far freshman year was exactly how i planned it out. untill i met him. Sam was a sophomore who was good friends with my bud Seth through their band. Sam was in the spring musical and so was i. rehearsals started to get more frequent and so i saw him more often. he was flirtations and cute but i didnt think it was anything real. then Seth asked Sam if he liked me. and to my surprise, his answer was yes. i couldnt have been happyer. Seth told me that sam was going to ask me out, and he did, over text message. but i didnt care because i just wanted to be with this guy.
on friday we saw a movie and held hands. and he was perfect at holding my hand. on Saturday he kissed me. we were in his basement, on his couch, watching Nick and Norahs infinite playlist. and ill never forget that. we spent every second texting, calling and hanging out. and being in the show only helped us. he was my first boyfriend. and i cared about him so much.
then on our one month anniversary, he took me to another movie, and after, we went outside to a romantic place and held eachother. then he said these exact words and ill never forget them either.
"i have something to tell you. but i dont know-"
"oh cmon what is it?"
"i think i love you"
"i think i love you too"
and that was it. from then, i had a smile plastered on my face that i couldnt get rid of. because Sam, this incredible and amazing sophomore, loved me.
we had a few weeks of heat. and "i love you"s and passion. then, it changed. something changed. i ignored it because if it was a big deal he would talk to me about it. i mean...he loved me. then it was spring break. and he had to go away. i missed him. and all i wanted was for him to come back and tell me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. but, my expectations wernt right on. for i saw him the day he got back, and it wasnt the Sam i knew. because he didnt love me. i knew he was going to break up with me. and i had to go through an entire school day pretending i was fine. that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. then after school i was walking through a crowd of people and i couldnt see anybody. i just wanted to get home so that he could call me and it could be over with. but to my surprise, he was waiting in the sea of people. waiting for me. he took my hands, and he kissed my nose like he used to. and i thought he was going to say that he still loved me. because i wanted him to more then anything. but instead, i got these words, which i will also never forget.
"i just cant do this anymore" thats it. nothing more.
i could feel my heart rip in half. it was like getting hit by a huge ass truck. i ran, and i ran fast. out of school and to the car. at home, i cried. cried for a long time. it was the end of Jenna and Sam, and i couldnt handle it.
now, its been about 10 months. i had let go of all of the grudges. and i had begun to talk to Sam again. because i wanted him to be in my life as a friend. but he sabotaged that just as badly. because what started as a simple conversation, ended with "i thought i did, but i never really never loved you." 1o months later and that boy still has the power to tear me in half.
but through this, ive learned. because of what my friend Mel has told me.
"he is nothing."
which is true. i know now, that he doesnt deserve my hate, or my friendship. he is nothing.
one day i will meet a guy who will know what love is. and when he says it, i will know he isnt lying. but untill then, Sam is nothing. and its too bad. because he lost the most real thing that dumb shit is ever going to get. :D