My recipe for love was doomed from the start. Born from a mother who didn't want me, molested by a family member, raped as a young women - not the best ingredients.
Years of counselling and in a rotten marriage with three children. When my oldest developed cancer I began working for an escort agency to pay bills, my husband didn't care, he wanted a divorce and liked the income too much anyway. My boss had a friend who had been divorced, and since I had to return a favour, I was sent to work off my debt by seeing this friend. He was the most likeable guy, actually, it was love at first sight for me. He had given me the strength to want to change my life, better myself. I didn't tell him about what was required of me on "my jobs" and when I quit, my boss became very angry with me and took the liberty of telling him the horrid details. He refused to speak to me. I had found out later that he slept with my roommate at a concert that I was supposed to go to with him and my boss. I kicked her out, but never could get him out of my heart.
It was 8 months later. I had graduated from a medical college, my child was doing remarkable, I felt pretty good about myself and he called. He said he missed me, and I went back to start another 4 years of ups and downs.
There was the Christmas one year when my friend and I drove past his house, and he had another woman over. I broke up with him for 3 weeks.
I felt I had to lose weight, be there for him no matter what, and give him things that no one else would so that he wouldn't want other women, just me. Two years later, I had a girl friend who was into threesomes, and I thought for Christmas we would go over and give him his present. The only catch was, I would have to do the same for her and her boyfriend.
I spent New Years with him. Three weeks later, I was pregnant. He said I should have an abortion-I said no. I spent my entire pregnancy and labor alone. When my baby was 2 months old he called. He met the little guy and fell in love. Everything was finally where I wanted it to be.
My threesome loving friend was a little strange about the whole thing. Three weeks ago she told me I should get a paternity test. It seems she had tampered with her boyfriends condoms, in an attempt to get pregnant.
Our paternity test came back last week. The baby isn't my boyfriends. He is so hurt and crushed, I am miserable. I love my child and thats what gets me through all of this.
The point I am trying to get to through all this is; I love this man so much. To be in his company is heaven, to be shunned is hell. I met him when I was at my worst and because of my love for him I changed my life. I know he will leave me again and I am trying to get used to that. He used to call me everyday, now I haven't heard from him. He is in my dreams everynight, and he's always taking off with some other woman.
As for my children, I am concentrating on them, so I do know there isn't much room in my life for this sadness and heartbreak but late at night when every one is asleep I pray that the love of my life will be happy, and someday, when the kids are grown, maybe - just maybe - we'll have our chance.