A Predicament of the Most Significance: Big Problem
Well, I have a story. It’ll probably beat all of your guys’ stories about “that” girl. Lol.. so here it goes.
I met thee girl about, just under three years ago. And the first time I ever saw her, my heart sank. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk or make out any words.. I was in awe.. And as cliché as it sounds, I really said to myself, bewildered and unable to do anything but stare, “that’s the girl.” She was/is the most beautiful thing I had/have ever seen. Time seemed to have stood still, or was at least barely moving… the only thing more beautiful than the mere sight of her was her voice, a voice that even to this day makes me nervous. Lol. This all happened during mass by the way. But before mass had ended, I told myself that I had to talk to her. I had to get to know her. Luckily for me, there was a faith night (a faith night is a talk/activities session after a mass) after mass.lol. and it just so happened she’d be headed that way. So before she left the church on her way to the other building, I went over to a friend I knew who happened to be talking to her (my chance to introduce myself, which I did, however, it was extremely hard to do, I was suffocating and shaking inside with nerves. lol). after introducing myself, I found myself walking with her to the other building where the faith night was taking place. I don’t know where the sudden confidence came in that segment of time, but I was talking with her the entire way. The rest of that night was a blur.. all I know is that I couldn’t stop my eyes from staring at her, and when I wasn’t I wanted to … my ears became happy when they heard her voice or her name…. and they listened with intent in the moments when neither were heard, hoping that she would speak or someone would call her name once more… lol. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night, I had a million questions, for her, myself, even God.. and to this day once more, there hasn’t and I doubt there will ever be a day that I don’t think about her. She is by far the biggest distraction in my life… Personally, I have been through many things in my life, hard ships and pain… lol. But there is something about this girl, something about the way she talks, smiles, looks at me or anything really, pretends to study, sings, loves her family, is herself… that gets to me, and that makes all that other stuff literally disappear. Up to this day, there have been many tries to understand her true feelings, and her interests and what she likes and so on and so forth, and really just to get to know her. And in a way, I have gotten to know her, but not as well as I might have liked yet.. even with that though, Just to be around her felt like a privilege, and I was thankful for every moment I got to spend time with her. But the thing with her was/is, I don’t/didn’t know how she felt/feels about me [( if you want to really know how bad it was, stories of how there was really no way to know how she felt, just let me know)]. So, After about two years maybe two and a half years, I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I truly felt.. but with no success in finding out that she felt the same for me.. a relationship between us as she put it, “is something she cant have right now” and the “im sorry, I don’t know what to say”.. lol.. just my luck.. I didn’t know what that meant at all actually.. should I give up? That probably meant no I don’t like you right? What do I do now? Should I still txt/call her? I had It in my mind that I had already told her the only information a girl really needs before she can be completely honest with a boy about that stuff, and yet,,… I didn’t know what the verdict was. But for some reason, a reason that I will only ever know, I didn’t give up. And to be completely honest , the reason is, when something that beautiful and pure and great comes into your life and just falls into your life like an angel from heaven, you don’t ever give up without a fight, and you don’t ever stop fighting for it as long as you got a fight left in you, and as hurt as I was really, because I didn’t really notice it, I still had a lot of fight left in me, especially for her.. It was two or maybe three weeks that passed before she txted me even though I had txted her small things like “hey” and “hi” with no response throughout the week.. I mean, there was nothing really I could do, my life was on slow track in a slum, I was feeling kinda pathetic, knowing I gave it all I had and had still lost.. lol.. so, she texted me, like I was saying, and she asked how I was.. I saw no point to this.. lol. How did you think I was were my thoughts… but my feelings for her were way too strong for me to divulge that kind of hurt to her so I answered, and from then, we began to talk, and over a little bit of time, we became better friends.. (being what we are now which is really good friends is something that is very hard for me to be because of the way I feel about her, its agonizing let me tell you… but its something .. lol) My conclusion to all this, is…. Basically,, I am as confused as… as …. Something really confusing… lol. Im sorry, there’s no simile I could think of to make that comparison.. ive tried everything. All I know Is that it seems as though my life needs to be around her.Like I said, just being around her…. Brings so much peace into my heart… I think I can feel my soul ( I know that sounds so cheesy but im trying to be honest) The feeling is best described as relief… as if my soul Is bursting out with a sigh of relief, because after who knows how many centuries and lifetimes of searching, it has finally found its match.. that kind of peace.
I am a not a super religious guy, but I do have a very personal relationship with God.. and I do believe that everything happens for a reason.. having said that, I know God has put this beautiful person in my life for reason…however, after 3 years of trying to figure out why, I still have no clue as to what it is…if God only sends those in our lives who will bring balance to it, or help us in someway, I do not know why she is here. Lol . I try so hard to get close to her, and to spend as much time with her as I can, and yet the harder I try, the more my attempts backfire.. and worse yet, when I let up and don’t try as hard, she somehow manages to bring me back, and come back into my life.., Even worse than that, I cant tell if anything she does is a sign or not. She’ll hug me at times, then at others push me away, she’ll cuddle with me sometimes, but then turn away at others,.. she’ll lean on/into me while we watch THE UNBORN, but act differently at another time. She’ll let me hold her hand for a minute, but then takes it away.. .. we’ll spend hours late at night, talking about everything in our lives that’s wrong, personal stuff, but the next day she’ll act, at least to me, as though none of what we shared mattered. There’s something that she is so afraid to tell me that I see each time I see her lately… its that one thing that she knows, that I know, that she still keeps holding on to.. I made her eyes water in the car the other night.. it was probably the deepest conversation that we’ve ever had. Our conversation was surreal. Somehow, i don’t know, I was able to put into words what my heart and subconscious wanted to ask. I was able to ask the most honest questions about her life and tell her how I really feel about her in that sense. What I see, and what kind of person I see in her.. but to every true and honest compliment and admirable thing that I noticed about her, she seemed to want to cry even more… I just don’t know, and cant figure out what could be so bad in her life, or what could she be hiding that is so wrong that she would feel so guilty.. its something that she holds inside her, deep in her conscience.. shes so careful and meticulous with it.. as any secret worth holding onto might yield. It makes me sad, that being this incredible person that I know she is, and dealing with all that she goes through, she still has to hold all this pain within her. And for some reason, I think it is this… thing she holds in, that keeps her away, second guessing, hiding who she really is, which wouldn’t matter in any way or form on the way I see her and feel about her, because I fell in love with an angel singing in choir during mass, and I fell in love with this beautiful person that I grew to admire over three years, regardless of anything she had ever done to make sad my heart. She is the source of my joy, and heartache.. lol. And we’ve never even shared a kiss…. I know its hard to believe…but its true.. As true as it gets..
- Anonymous Guy