For months life just seems to be an old routine. Wake up each day expecting nothing. Big things to do for the day. Text some people to let them know your still alive. Chasing my dreams on the hi-way. Living the career I pursued. And at the end of the day all alone thinking if he missed me that way I missed him badly.
For some people it may look different. But for me, the longer the distance the harder it gets to take each day as if there’s no chance. They said, “The key to happiness is when you love what you are doing”, I said that makes it everything complicated. From the way I look at it, it was never been easy not having the one you love. God did give me the best days. Once or how I wish it would be twice. He came then life was never been the same. I f I look back to those good old days, moment of joy and tears, in the end I just simply smile. It’s not everyday that beautiful strangers walks in our life. They are “Angel in disguise” that seems to be sent from heaven. I remember two years ago. I was asking God for something or rather someone that can change me for better. That was when my life seems to be a rollercoaster.
Until that moment, I knew him. God must be kidding. I did like him. I had never felt that way before. But I knew from that day, it was never meant that way. I just simply thank God. I don’t know what he brought me but I still wonder why.
It took me awhile to figure out why. But then I still lived with it. Last semester in College was the memorable part of my life as a student. Until now I’m overwhelmed in fact that I knew a person like him. Many knew about it. But they will never know the feeling.
He was just like everybody else except the fact that he was a really nice person. I admired the way he was. He became a good friend to everyone including me, a close friend to me. I thought it was a romantic encounter for me having him. But I was wrong, God never meant that way, I knew it even before.
He was good enough for me. That’s why I misunderstood him. I admit I did felt he was really sincere. He was not the type of person that will take advantage. So I was right then, he proved it to everybody.
But complications of human relationship came to me. If I’m not in love with him then why do I feel this way? Why do I always think of you? Questions linger on my mind or rather in my heart. He knew about me and how I felt about him. But not what seems to hold my heart. I remember that there was a moment that I shed tears about it. It kept hurting me. I asked God if He did meant this feeling for me or just a part of his mysterious plan.
I decided to hold it back. I kept it inside even if it’s hard. All I can do is looked at him the way everybody else do. I knew for myself that it was not good to be this way. I am being unfair to him. I am selfish indeed. All I want was his attention. But that just went into nothing. It just hurt me back inside.
For awhile I felt there was a “distance” between us. Maybe because I was not that interesting at all or should I say he was not comfortable of having “me” around him. I knew about it but I am not sure, it just hurt me even more. There was a time I want to know the truth about it but there was no chance. I felt things changed and so did I. I convinced myself to be okay for me to look good for everybody. But that didn’t work. I rather stay away from him. I don’t know if its right but it hurts me a lot. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I felt all alone. Karma had its way back.
No talks. No text. No smile just a question in his face why. I knew he felt the same way as I did. He was Clueless about everything that I am doing. And I am strangely alone Far from his shadow.
That went for months. I thought he will be there for me. But it seems like all I got was myself and nothing but me. I can’t blame him. All I can blame was myself in the end. It was because of my own disbelief. He was still the good guy and I was still the bad one. I am not good like him. I just thought he was but he wasn’t. I expected so much from him. I don’t know what he was thinking after all. But I always pray to God that He will guide and bless him with the things he deserves. I feel sorry for myself. I had loved him more that he will ever know. And this love will never be gone. I want it to stay.
It has been six months. From the last day we parted ways. I still cherish the friendship we had. I still feel the same way. It took awhile for me to learn for myself that he was meant by God to there for me as my “heaven sent”. I know the friendship will still live long as long as we keep holding on. And I know he will as much as I do.
To tell you honestly, it’s easy to say that “we are happy to see those we love that they are happy with the life they have” but harder for us to realize. Even if we had our own lives to live, I want to stay here for him. I know he still needs me. Not for a romantic encounter or a hope for loving me back but to stay and continue loving him without asking to be love in return. Part of me right now was a story, It maybe too strange, but a precious one. I rather live with it than to take all the regrets. God moves in mysterious ways let’s just see it for ourselves.
June 23, 2009