The biggest mistake
How to begin..?
How to breath..?
How to live with this void in my heart..?
All questions I canít answer. If only it were so simple. So this is my story, from a somewhat normal teenager. I too wonder why am I publishing my thoughts here but then I figured I should share the biggest mistake of my life.
This started over a year ago with bad friendship and a wrong decision. Back then I was a senior in high school and I lived my life pretty stereotyped but I was happy. One day this so called friend of mine started playing around talking to some guy ďjust for funĒ sheíd say, so I decided to follow the game of ďmy friendĒ and I took over the conversations with this guy I didnít know. We made up an entire fake girl for him since it was only through the phone and msn that we talked it was easy to pull off. Thing is time flew by so fast and I started to have genuine feelings for him, this is the type of guy you canít help to fall in love with. He was the most caring, adorable, sweet guy Iíve ever met so I lied to myself thinking maybe Iím just really good at this pretending thing but guess what Iím not I was just trying to find an explanation for my friend when sheíd ask if I was falling for him. So yeah I really was falling.. I knew it was wrong because I was lying and you probably think Iím quite the bitch doing this to someone I was supposedly in love with. In my defense I tried braking up with him several times but every single time when he cried it broke my heart and I couldnít and yes I was selfish and got back together with him. I just couldnít come around to end it because I needed him so much, when I spoke to him I would even forget the lie I was, and truly spoke with my heart every word of love I ever told him.
I lived by this lie for year and a few months and every time we would hang up I felt so bad for lying but so scared to tell him the truth. You know how it goes a lie makes another lie and so you end up with hundreds of them. I hurt him in some many ways, he always wanted to go and visit the girl I made up and obviously I never let him because she didnít exist, I brought his hopes up too many times and believe me Iíll never forget because I would sit and cry myself to sleep every night after I disappointed him, I wanted to come out and be honest but the lie had grown so much I was terrified, the nights I had nightmares about that are countless. So one day I couldnít take it anymore I knew I was playing with his emotions and it killed me to be hurting the most important person in my life so I told him the truth but the lies werenít over there. I was right he hated me he wouldnít even talk to me so I told him that it was a lie that that the girl he thought he knew was still there, I know itís selfish and I wish I never said it but you got to understand how deeply I fell for him, I wasnít ready to let him go. Anyway, a few months passed and the truth really came out and this time it was for good, I knew he would despise me forever and he has every right to do so, believe me whatever suffering he had during the lie Iím having it twice and I deserve and take it without complains because I know that I made a huge mistake, a mistake that took away from me what is possibly the only person I will love with that intensity.
I can say today that Iím hurting so bad, Iíve never been so miserable before, nothing ever feels good or right. Iíve tried dating other people, an ex-boyfriend has been around asking me to try again and saying all these sweet things but the whole time Iím talking or listening to him Iím thinking about the one I lost and will never get back. I wish I could tell him this myself but he hates me way too much, but still not a day goes by without me thinking about him, trying so hard to get over him and knowing that is basically impossible, knowing I ruined everything and that Iíll never ever have him back. Donít get me wrong Iím not implying I want him back, I did let him go because I know he doesnít love me anymore and he deserves someone thatíll give him everything I couldnít, I also know that maybe itíll take me years to move forward but Iíll always save a little piece in my heart for him.