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      If we had....


I've always been such a carefree, young woman with a positive attitude to life. Because I've been in love and hurt before, I never let myself fall in love, even though I still believed in it, it just wasn't for me.

I had just been introduced to a new environment and was considered to be the hottest new chick on the block. I knew that most of the guys just wanted to sleep with me so I made it a point to avoid them.

We (Me+ my friends) loved sitting in a group, or we'd go to a friends room and chill. One day, a friend of ours came with his friend while we were chilling. I wasn't paying much attention to them until I realised that the other guy had been staring at me for some time. His name was Lesego. I pretended that I wasn't watching but I was actually very flattered.

Lesego and I got to talking... I decided to give us a try and see were would end up. Things went well for 2 months until I discovered that I was PREGNANT with his child. I didn't like his reaction when I told him about it. He became very distant, and sometimes very rude. I wasn't in love with him but I had deep feelings for him.

We decided to have an abortion, but I miscarried before I had a chance to see the doctor. I decided to tell that it was a mistake I wasn't really pregnant. He was very relieved and told me that we were moving too fast and that we should slowdown. I had no choice but to agree.

Two days later there was a school function. A party where anyone who was anyone would be there. He told me that he wasn't coming. Everyone was there, all my friends, all his friends and people from other institutions. I was enjoying myself until I saw him with 2 chicks. My first reaction was excitement until I realised that he was with his girlfriend. My mood changed, I started drinking and confronted him about it. To my surprise he didn't deny it.

I was very hurt, I couldn't believe that he could do that to me. Our relationship was at a point were I felt that we were honest with each other. I felt like I could trust him and to a certain degree, I was falling for him. We later went to an after party, I was miserable and couldn't enjoy myself. We were waiting to go into the club when Lesego came to us and asked to speak to me. Despite the fact that he had hurt me so much I was glad to have a chance to talk to him.

He apologised and told me that he broke up with the girl. I didn't believe him but as long as I still had him it was ok.

From that day Lesego became the devoted boyfriend. We spent a lot of quality time together and everyday we grew closer to each other. He gave me so much love and made sure that his spare time was spent with me. I couldn't believe it but the ladies man, the playboy fell in love with me and made me his one true love. He introduced me to his cousins and most of his friends. Everywhere he went, he took me with him.

Because of the incident we had at the party I didn't see how much he loved me, there was no way I was letting myself fall for him. Instead there was this guy. He was tall, dark, cute and very attractive. The guy made my blood rush, every time I saw him my heart would skip a beat. We started flirting and ended up spending a lot of time together. In the process I neglected Lesego. I was infatuated with the guy and somewhere along the way I slowly drifted away from Lesego.

When Lesego found out he was very hurt and sadly couldn't let go because he really cared about me. I broke it up with him coz I thought I was in love with the other guy.

The sad part is that now that we are apart I realise that my infatuation with the other guy was not meant to last. Lesego turned out to be the only guy I ever loved. Not a day goes but that I don't think about him. I miss him so much that sometimes I cry alone in my room. I crave so much for him it doesn't seem real.

I lost the love of my life and there's nothing I can do about. What's more depressing is that I can't talk to anyone about it, no one understands how I feel about him. My world is slowly swallowing me, I'm crumbling inside and nobody knows it but me.

As stupid as it sounds, no one can fill in the hole in my heart that being without has created. no one can ever make me feel the things he made me feel, the happiness and the joy. It's sad what happened to us, but he'll always be in my heart.


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