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      Remembrance...

     


Judging from my age, I really haven't seen much. I'm still in high school, I still haven't even finished all my coursework, let alone experience or understand the viewpoints of my elders. One of these "viewpoints", I'd say, is love.



While I'm going crazy because the tab for this page is twitching back and forth between "Love Stories, Heartache stores..." and "Loading...", I'll tell you the story of my pilot love story.



Looking back at this past school year, I've shed a lot of tears (school work T_T it's so evil). But there was one moment that probably hurt the most... it was that moment where I cried the first and last time about my relationship problems.



It all started in March of 2008. I was on my email account, checking my emails, deleting all that stupid chain crap about love and crushes. I saw this one username in the mailing list that was unfamiliar to me. I pondered. Who is this person with this weird username? I finally decided just to add him on chat... from there, it skyrocketed. I REALLY like him. We only chatted from March until the end of school, rarely confronting each other during school hours. All the little things he did, like ask me for my Latin textbook, sit on my backpack in front of my locker, etc., really pleased me. I remember feeling overwhelming euphoria every time. Lame.



Btw, I'll be referring to him as Z.



Because of summer vacation, we hardly talked at all. However, in June, we started talking again... through chat. He was at a summer camp on the East Coast, and I was stuck back west. We still talked anyway. We'd talk every single day, then he asked me for my number. We exchanged, then he began texting me so much that my mom go pissed from all the texts I received from him (I'm not allowed to text. He sent me 300 in a week.)

I was, honest to god, happy from what was going on.



After a while, it was extremely apparent that he was crushing on me. Luckily, my heart doesn't phase too quickly, so I still liked him throughout June and the beginning of August. On August 2nd, that day... I asked him, do you like me? He wouldn't respond directly, only giving me partially substantive evidence that he did. I had to yank it out of him. He was so embarrassed when I figured it out that he actually ran away from the computer and buried his head in his dorm pillow (I know this is freakishly lame because it was all through the computer). I told him that liked him back. When school started, we professed our love for each other to our classmates.



I used to take his sweatshirts, bring them home, and sleep with them. They smelled exactly like him, were big like him, and provided me comfort during the night. It was like he was present, at my side, falling asleep.



During the early months of our relationship, everything was smooth. Actually, no. From day one, everything began going downhill. Both of us were still a little shy, because it was both our first. He started loosening up... but I didn't. At my school, a school known for its prestige, lovey-dovey kissy relationship things are a BIG deal. Even hugging is a big deal. When I hugged him, people would just stare at me. I was very self conscious of that, so sometimes I wouldn't return his hugs and instead just talk to him, although his arms were open and awaiting a response. I figured out later that this was one of the many things that bothered/hurt Z.



I'm a really spacy person. I have so much stuff to take care of, like school work, dance, piano, oboe, SATs, whatever. It gets to me all the time. When people call me, I don't hear them. I don't notice them. This made my guy a little annoyed. I don't know if what he did in return was to pay back the annoyance, but it sure did work well. First off, he's a super huggy person. He's friends with a lot of my girlfriends; he converses with them openly and I really have no problem with that. There was just this one girl- this one girl in my friend circle- that started causing problems. I'll call her girl X. She was a huggy person too. Because I didn't return my guy's hugs sometimes, and because I was a really spacy person and also I don't provide the best emotional support, those two began hugging each other. I know this sounds really petty, but trust me it stung.



Through all of this, I still loved him. Sometimes he'd even avoid me because of a quarrel we'd have, and I would do the same. I knew deep down inside, though, that he still loved me like crazy. What was sad was, I didn't fully return it. It died a little everyday. I'd see his problems and it kept discouraging me from loving him. He also never, NEVER, came to dances. I was alone at every dance, watching optimistically all the couples that danced together, with all my other friends. Hoping that one day that would happen to me. It never did. So up to this day, though I've had a boyfriend, I've never danced with a guy. He really let me down here.



Girl X continuously got closer to guy Z... I mean serious passionate hugs and stuff.



We went on a huge orchestra trip together... and it was on one bus ride on that trip that I cried. I wanted to test girl X and guy Z. Instead of sitting with my guy, I sat with a close friend right behind them. So girl X put her head on my guy Z and started sleeping. He put his head on hers. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Though I had been tolerating this sort of $*&@% all year, I couldn't take it anymore at that point and I just cracked. I cried. My friends all comforted me, which made me feel so much better. Neither of those two even noticed.



Those two (my "friend" and my guy) got closer and closer. One time I swear they were having leg make out session. Their legs were intertwined with each others. Right in front of me and all my friends during one lunch. To tell you the truth, it wasn't hurtful, it was disgusting. Just disgusting.

Yeah she's a huggy person, but I don't know if she was really just trying to make me jealous or if she was just really that plain stupid. She was even mad when people told her she liked him! Everyone I knew told me: "well yeah, the way she acts around him is CONDUCIVE to such assumptions." I don't know why I kept hanging out with her. She always had something retarded to say, something no one around her appreciated. I'll stop rating about her now... anyways...



Through all the avoiding that had been going on in the year, our relationship starting falling apart. He still loved me a whole lot, but I was getting really tired of everything that was going on. So the week we came back from the orchestra trip, I just completely stopped talking to him. We never even really declared it. It totally died at that point. He avoided me, and starting complaining to all my other girlfriends about his sadness and that stupid stuff. If he really cared, he wouldn't be sharing passionate love with girl X.



I was never upset after we "broke up." Weird, but fortunate.



And thus it died.



I've learned that a relationship is completely based on trust. A trust that, in essence, my guy and I never had. He never told me anything. I never told him anything. I know on my part that I did a lot of wrong, and that he did a whole ton of wrong as well. Reviewing this short chapter of my long life to come, I laugh. What did I gain? I learned what type of guys don't match me, and I've learned a whole lot more about sensitivity.



I'll remember this for a while.





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