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      My heart in his pocket in heaven

     




I was lucky to have had Marc, for awhile at least. I had married young, and though statistics show that these young marriages fail, ours succeeded. Marc was an amazing father and husband and we beat the odds.


He was killed at a gas station one night. He was on his way home. Our two young sons can't remember their father, they were too young when it happened. It was a long struggle to learn to cope, and be alive for my boys. That was six years ago when he died, and although I got a second chance at life and love, a part of me is still dead. In a way I know I will never be able to love my husband Evan like I loved my husband Marc. I will still be buried next to Marc one day, and I cannot let him go.


I won't lie, this causes major problems between Evan and me. and I understand, but I can't just forget that part of my heart is missing. I cannot ignore what I feel. I am moving on. Evan and I have a three-year-old daughter and I love them both more than life itself. But I still love Marc. And he's gone, but I know if he was not, we would still be together.


Sometimes I wish I hadn't got remarried, because my heart makes it hard on everyone. Itís sad. It is. And I can't help that though Marc is gone he will always be #1 in my heart. Evan and I are expecting another child, my last for sure, in May, I am excited. Evan said that he's surprised I wanted another. I have been sadder than ever lately. But I am really trying to turn my life around. I am excited, and ready to try to make a fresh start again. I am determined. But the hurt doesn't go away. And the fact that I am 28, and have loved Marc since I was six doesn't help. How does your heart repair when part of it is literally gone? For years it loved Marc, and certain things just cannot be overcome.


Evan does not have the patience he once had. He gets jealous that I donít love him the same way. And I don't. How can I? There is only one love in a lifetime like that. And he says we have a family together now and need to get on with life. But it's just not so simple for me.


I depended on Marc. He had my heart in his pocket the day he passed on. He took it with him.


Marc I still love you. I am waiting to be with you again. God knows I love Evan, but Marc is my heaven.

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