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      So much is lost


I was an enthusiastic single Mom. My 20 years on wall street ended and I opened up my own Pilates Exercise Studio. Everything was roses. I said to everyone, "The next man I meet will just have to knock on my front door". Well 4 months later he did. There he was. Coming to inquire about Pilates, wearing leather pants, black boots, a chain around his hips (which was for locking up his Motorcycle), and a helmet in his hand. I was petrified and intriqued at the same time.
Well the rest was history.

He ended up coming to my studio to train and wanted to be a Pilates trainer himself. After 3 months of intense energy that neither of us wanted to recognize, we finally gave in. It was so romantic and very passionate.
Well, all this romance produced a small bundle of joy, which I said I would take full responsiblity of. At my age, it would be so irresponsible to get rid of.

He never seemed to forget these words. Even though we were very committed to each other in an untraditional way. He had his place, I had mine. WE would get together on weekends, however, Sundays were always a point of contention. When things got rough, he would remind me of my everlasting commitment to take the full brunt of things.

Well I have! Over and over again. I saw him go through a complete mid-life crisis. I was his biggest cheerleader. I had unbeleivable hopes and dreams for our future.

Last August was the turning point for me. We went on vacation to Block Island and he almost left me halfway through the vacation with my older son and the little one. I was devastated. I tried so hard to make us a family. I just wanted what everyone else seemed to have. A normal (if there is such one)relationship. However, this was not to be. I somehow convinced him not to leave. He stayed and I was never the same after that. A real sense of trust was gone forever. The tears well up just trying to get this down on record.

He tried real hard on and off after that. I even gave him ultimatums about making a living( I was contributing to almost everything we did. This included all the babies daycare and expenses etc...).

In the beginning of January he was practiclly proposing to me. There was still this part I couldn't quite let go of to trust all that he was saying. In the end, it proved true. He couldn't consistently create a cash flow that would contribute to the household. He let his health and body go downhill. He had bouts of depression and great tiredness. Sleepless nights and anxiety.

These were the signs, but I chose not to see them.

Well today, I went through this exercise of saying that we should put on paper what our goals and implementation of our goals should be. I presented mine to him, hoping that he would do the same. He shot down everything I had written down. The biggest problem was about moving in together. He couldn't imagine living in my neighborhood and the excuses went on and on. From where would he put his car to storing his bikes (4 motorcycles).
I kept reminding him that this was just a start and how could we compromise to make this better. I got nowhere.
I finally realized, that he was scared and just couldn't commit. He even said so at one point. He started to attack me on all my weaknesses and how we are so different. It brought me to such a place of despair that I couldn't regain my strength or compassion. I ended the whole thing. He was shocked and thought I was just crying wolf again.

What a tradegy..... How sad.....
So much is lost. Will I ever recover. I feel such despair.


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