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      Sitting and waiting


I was very sick because my boyfriend had broken up with me after 2 years and I met a guy who managed to help me forget my boyfriend and everything.

After two dates he turned into mister right, he was everything that I thought my man had to be. Well, I made I huge mistake to go to bed with him without knowing his intentions. However I soon found out what they were.

Just two days after, he told me that it's not over with his ex girlfriend and he cannot start a relationship. What should I have expected after being so stupid? He told me he liked me and we stayed in touch. He never called me himself; I always had to call him.

The problem was right now that I had to see him almost everyday. We were attending the same university. I felt so ashamed and at first tried to avoid meeting him or looking his way. I imagined that he was going to tell the story to all his friends, and laugh about the naive cow that thought she was good enough for him.

I wrote him an email saying I was not looking for a relationship and I wasn't mad at him. A couple of times there were reasons for me to call. He was really nice on the phone and after a while I managed to somehow convince him that all I wanted was friendship. What I really wanted- I preferred not to think about because there was no hope.

It turned out there was a chance left. He invited me for dinner. I should have known his intentions by now. But I didn't stop to think about it. When I found his text message saying, "he wanted to cook for me" I just stood there and trembled. I should have said no at the time like he did so many times, but I felt I would regret it, because maybe for the first time in my life I was head over heels in love.

So I went to dinner. He was so different, so kind and really interested in me, I soon guessed what he was after that evening. And he got it. But I was under no illusions, I knew that in the morning I would have to go and this time it would be all over.

The hardest thing for me is to know that he despises me somehow. What sort of woman am I to him? One he can take whenever he wants and forget for weeks.

We met up for a coffee and I asked him, why he doesn't want a relationship, his answer to that: it's not the right time, not because of his ex girlfriend, but because of time! He said, he saw that I am the right one for him but knew that right now, he wanted to be independent and free. You know that sort of thing you say if you want to get rid of a person and don't want to hurt their feelings. I told him I wanted to see him again just like a friend.

We met once more before the summer break and it was awful. There was no proper conversation at all; it hurt so much to see him. The single thing I needed was to leave but there was no way to tell him that, we talked nonsense for an hour or so, and then he suggested we should go, he said he couldn't stand it anymore. Oh god, it would have been better if he would have spat at me!

We parted. It was the last time I saw him. I could not stop crying.

It's not that I mad at him it is just the pain about having lost something precious without having had it or maybe the pain about not being the same to him as he is to me. Soon, I am going to see him. He is coming back from holidays.

How should I behave? I don't know. There is nothing I can do; it will be better to not to notice him at all, though it is stupid. But how can I go on pretending that I am just a friend, when I am trembling and going purple when I see him. Everything about him hurts me. I know he is not perfect at all but when I see him I forget that.

I feel I'll know him for years, I don't know why, I understand how he feels but I cannot look him in the eyes; it hurts. So I guess, the only solution is to forget him, it would be better if he was not around, but he seems to be everywhere.

I have no idea how I should go on; it all depends on him. So I shall sit and wait.


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