No Greater Love!
Every night I lay on my bed and think of what might have been but never was! And all because of my fear of commitment? or was it something else like stupidity?
I met Biti when I was a young boy of primary three back in 1990. She was my neighbour but one class below me. We became close friends and in fact our friendship even brought our two families closer. I would spend my days with her and wake up very early only thinking of her. Although she never did say so, Biti also had me on her mind all the time for she would be waiting everytime I woke up in the morning. Ours was something so special that even people in our small town knew of Biti and me.
After three years however, Biti lost her mum and at such a young age, she could not stay alone so she was taken to live with an aunt. I was also taken to live with my uncle and our friendship cooled off coz we could not see each other. But I never stoppped thing about Biti at any one time. I was missing her so much that although I was in a boarding school I could come up with excuses to leave school so I could go to Entebbe and see her. Unfortunately, as time went by, my Biti grew shy and sometimes she would refuse to meet me and this hurt me alot but i did not stop. At least not immediately anyway.
Years flew by and soon I was in high school and here I got a girl friend and we had a healthy relationship for some years. But one day, I went to visit my sister in Entebbe and I found Biti again. God, she was all grown up and very beautiful! You see, Biti is of mixed blood of Arab and Indian. All the old feelings came back to me but I had a girlfriend I loved. I couild not ignore Biti though and when we talked, it was like we had never been apart before. We exchanged contacts and within a week, Biti and I were an item. She was so loving and caring but i think I never appreciated her and that is killing me now. I want to wind back the clock and do everything the way I should have done it back then but its impossible!!
When Biti and I started dating, I told her I had a girl friend and she said that was OK with her. She told me that she had waited for all those years so she could not throw away what we had just coz I was seeing someone. Ours was made in heaven, she wouls tell me. If only I had listened to her words then!
But i did not and Instead took her love for granted. We would meet secretly so that my girl friend would not know and it was fun. Having a secret affair with Biti was so much fun!
However, I think she kind of grew restless when I didnt dump my girlfriend for her. The fact is my girl friend and I were falling apart then but I dont know why I could not let her.Instead I tied myself in a relationship which wasnt working and ignored someone who loved me more than anything else. I started being rude to Biti but she would put up with all of it like it was the normal thing.I stopped answering her calls and calling her but she always accepted all the excuses I would come up with even when it was obvious that they were mere lies. If you ask me now why I was doing all that, I wouldn't know what to tell you coz I also still do't know why.
Biti was very understanding and a patient beautiful young woman but one day, I guess I pushed her beyond her limits. It all started when I told her that I was never going to ditch my girl friend for her but that she could stay on as number two if she so wished. Biti cried alot of tears that day..they were tears that are never to dry for its me who often cries those teats now. I always ask myself that how could one be so stupid?! All she wanted was me to love her back like we did when we were kids. She never hurt me in any way but look at how I repayed her.
After that, she disappeared for sometime and my girl friend finally left me. One day I was at the office when I got a phone call from her telling me she was at the hopsital. I asked her why she was there and she told me she had just given birth to a baby girl and she wanted me to give the baby a name. Without asking her why, I told her to call the baby Denise after me but she said that was obvious. I gave her another name, Rowena and she named the baby Rowena. I was so missing her and I told her so. But she reminded me of how I had treated her like rubbish. She told me she now had a man who although she didn't love, atleast treated her like she deserved. I apologised I she said she had forgiven me everything even before I had apologised. Biti said she would think about us getting back together but before long she was pregnant again and this time she didnt even ask me to name the baby.
I felt so betrayed and sad and angry at her. But when I think back at those days, I know am the one to blame. She gave me her heart and I broke it into pieces. But Biti, if one day you ever read this, I want you to know that when I broke your heart, I broke mine as well in the process. I have never recovered from losing you.If only I could find it within me to forgive myself for being such a fool!! I even don't know whether Rowena is my baby.
Biti yours was the greatest love of all and I envy the man whose life you grace for there is no Greater Love!!
I wish you happiness Biti and I will always love you!!