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      What was I thinking


October 2nd 2002 I met a man I thought was going to be the love of my life. I practically changed who I was for this man, I mean I changed inside and out. I forgot about my family and my friends I started doing drugs and drinking. I completely lost sight of who I was all because I thought I was in love. I was the most innocent girl and he robbed me of my innocence as well as my life. I spent almost 6 years of my life with him. I devoted the best parts of me and never recieved anything in return. But some of these awful things I am admitting to are the same reasons as to why I thought I was in love. He was a bad boy with a bad boy image to go along with it and he was GORGEOUS. Its not that I am hideous but no one knew how I bagged this guy and neither did I. Sometimes I couldn't even wait for work to end so I could see him. On weekends we would throw massive hotel parties and we would party all night long. His friends loved me his family loved me and I would do anything for him, anything... Then about 3 years into the relationship his true colors began to show and he broke my heart, but it was too late no matter what I did I could not break up with him. I tried sooo many times. But the drinking with him got worse and so did the drug use. I started to hate who I was and what I was doing I missed my family and my friends I wanted the girl back I once was. But then a miracle and a curse came into my life, I was involved in a car crash that should have killed me. Not a fender bender but a serious crash. A head on collison with another car, he was away on a business trip and I was out celebrating with a friend trying to make up for lost times. On my way home the next morning I hit another driver in a pickup. My car was trapped and the pick up truck was on fire. In turn my car started to catch on fire as well. It took the firemen and women, cops and ambulance 45 minutes to extract me from the car. I lost 70% of my blood and almost died on the way to the hospital. My boyfriend was called as soon as my parents and sister had heard about what had happened to me. He showed up to the hospital and the first thing, the very first thing he asked my father was.... "Hows the car" yup he asked how is the car. You want to talk about heart break, he broke it, stomped on it and then spit on it just to hurt me more than I thought he was capable of doing. Not to mention while I'm lying in a hospital bed with a broken ankle, knee, femur, broken hips, broken pelvis, broken arm and my face smashed beyond repair as well as 2 missing front teeth he dares to ask me in front of his best friend when we can have sex again. Sometimes he wouldn't show up for days because he was busy going out with friends or getting high. Then when he did show he made sure he stayed just under 20 minutes so he wouldn't have to pay for parking. Is this story making you sick yet because it makes me sick. Finally after so much heartbreak I couldn't stand it any more. I was petrified and sad but I wrote a letter breaking up with him, I was so afraid of what was going to happen to me after I let him go, we wanted to get married before the accident he was all I ever knew. Yet I did it, I sent him the letter, ignored his phone calls and eventually I went on with my life. I am still single to this day, and I even think about him from time to time. After I broke it off he decided to go to the army and last I heard he had straightened up his life got off drugs stopped drinking and is getting married. But what about me? How could I be so alone after such an ordeal, when is it my turn to fall in love and not be so heart broken and abandoned? When????


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