My first love
I have always been in and out of relationships, dropping one guy for the next, never able to commit to just one guy. Growing up, I was abused by a family member and as a young teen suffered from depression and all my life have had massive trust issues, which was why I so casually dated different boys, most of them alot older than me so that they wouldnt get too attached. When I was 15 I started working at a department store doing recovery. One shift I looked up to see one of the nightfill guys taking a crate load through the kitchen department, He looked up at me and smiled and I melted. For months we played this little game, catching each others eye, smiling and flirting from a distance.
I asked around and found out his name was Shaun. He was 19, and had worked there for a few years so the other guys knew him fairly well. A few months after we'd first noticed each other he asked someone for my email address and added me on msn. For the next 2 months we would come home from work each night and chat until early morning about everything! I felt like I knew him better than I knew myself, and he was an amazing person. But we'd still never spoken in person, he was fairly shy, and I was too scared.
A mutual friend finally got so sick of me floating around and going on and on about Shaun that one night at the end of my shift when I was standing at the photo lab talking to him bout Shaun, he paged Shaun to the photo lab and introduced us in person and organised our first date for us! It was so embarrassing, but we both just looked at each other and smiled.
And that was the beginning. We went out on a few dates and then one night he came to my house to help me paint my room and as I walked him out to his car later that night he turned to me at the end of the driveway and we had out first kiss, then we stood or awhile, holding each other and watching the stars and moon.
We made it official not long after and spent most of our spare time together. I was falling head over heels for this beautiful guy and him with me.
We'd been together 5 months and then there was a sudden strain on our relationship and he needed some space. He went away for the weekend and slept with his ex girlfriend while he was gone. He came back and broke up with me straight away but didnt tell me why.
After weeks of crying myself to sleep, a mutual friend told me that he had cheated and I was the last one to know.
Things started getting really strained at home and I dropped out of school. I was losing lots of weight and making myself sick.
One night he came on msn and I decided to give him a piece of my mind about him being a cheating, lying moron, and we ended up talking for 6 hours. He apologised and said he had made a huge mistake and that he was so sorry that he had hurt me.
We started hanging out again, just as friends, and then one night we couldnt help ourselves and went too far to stay just friends. We got back together, and things went back to how they were before. A month later I got kicked out of home and moved in with Shaun and his family. A few months later I moved in with my friend because I didnt want to put pressure on Shauns family.
Within weeks of me moving out Shaun and I had a huge fight and he said he needed space. I said space was just what people wanted when they didnt know how else to end a relationship and he didnt say anything. So I stormed out of his car, slammed the door and that was the end of our relationship.
A week later I went out clubbing with some mates and got really drunk and slept with one of my good friends
A few weeks later Shaun came round and apologised and once again we started spending time together. We werent officially back
on, because he had met someone while we were seperated and wasnt sure whether to let go of us and move on our give us another go,
before he made his decision I wanted to be honest with him, so I told him I had slept with my friend.
Shaun got up and stormed out of my house, I chased him downstairs and up the driveway, begging him to let me explain, but he wouldnt listen, wouldnt
even look at me. He hopped in his car, and sped away, leaving me crying in the gutter. That was the moment my heart broke.
New Years Eve, 8 months later, He called me and asked me to spend new years eve with him, I drove to the party he was at
and when I got there, he came outside, slightly drunk, and the first thing he said to me was "why did we break up?"
We talked alot that night and ended up kissing. I dropped him home the morning after and didnt hear from him.
My birthday 3 weeks later I went out clubbing with some friends, and he was there and completly ignored me.
That night confirmed that it was over. And the little piece of my heart that I had left crumbled.
2 years later, and I havent spoken to him since, We still have mutual friends, we still see each other, but its like i never knew him at all
I wish things had turned out different, and I wonder if i will ever be complete without him, but for now, he's not mine to hold and everytime i try to rebuild the broken pieces of my heart, that single piece of knowledge shatters it all over again.