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      It Exists


Sometimes we are afraid to try, afraid to love because me might be disappointed in the end. We prefer to bear the pain beforehand, we think negatively, not knowing what really lies ahead for us. It’s better to try loving and fail in the end than not to have loved at all.


Jeanne ran towards the seashore, near their house, crying, “Why do mom and dad have to be separated? I thought they love each other,” she cried. Why do I have to have these problems? Jeanne had known a lot of broken relationships and had never expected that her parents too would have the same fate with a lot of people.


As she stared through the full gleaming moon she realized how mean life is. If only life is a fairytale, with happy endings in it, but it isn’t. She reflected and thought that LOVE DOESN’T REALLY EXIST.


From that day on, she always had that idea on her mind. She became cruel towards what they call us love. Jeanne is a man hater. She doesn't want to be like what had happened to her mom. She doesn't want to be rejected. Not anymore.


In a certain organization she is in, in the University where she studied, she was elected as a head of the Personality Circle partnered with a proud and a conceited guy. This guy, James is the guy he hates so much in their school. This guy plays with a lot of hot chicks in their campus. Their ideas were always contradictory with each other. There is no way that they'll be getting to know each other, if not only because of that forced appointment of the position. Both never wanted what had happened to them. Unfortunately, they cannot do something to decline in the given position.


As the days go by, Jeanne and James were always together. They do things for the success of their committee. But both could never imagine themselves being together in the future because their attitudes towards everything were conflicting.


One day while being together, James opened the topic about love. He consulted Jeanne about his problem with her girlfriend. Jeanne advised James and said. “ Stupid relationships! Why do you always have to give in when you knew from the start what would happen to you in the end. You will just be hurt. Happy endings are only in the fairytales. Stupid James!, why do you problem those stupid things? They're not supposed to be wasted time. And don't tell me you are already in love with that girl. You! A playboy? You’re becoming silly. I could never imagine a guy like you to get serious,” and then she laughed sarcastically.


Every time James had a love problem. Jeanne always advises him the same words. He was already aware that certain perspective of Jeanne about love. That is why eventually he didn’t opened topics about love anymore.


One day, in one of their trips. Jeanne observed how silent James was. It was not the usual attitude she had known. So she asked, “Are you OK?”. James answered, “Perhaps!” Jeanne replied,  “You are not. I know you”. Then James did give in, “Yeah, right! I have a family problem.” Jeanne advised James about his problem. She was too expert advising about family topics but too sad that she can’t even solve her own problem. Now, James knows where to run every time he will have this monotonous family problem. James found comfort with Jeanne.


One night, during the birthday of Jeanne, “Happy Birthday Jeanne !”, James greeted. “Thank You. And what took you so long? I have been waiting for you. Maybe you have forgotten my birthday. Do I have to call you and remind you to attend my birthday party?” asked Jeanne.  “No, I didn’t.” James defended. “Well anyways, Yehey is that gift for me?, asked Jeanne. “No, I’m sorry it is also the birthday of my cousin. This is for her.” James apologized.  That night while they were alone, James confessed to Jeannel his feelings for her. “I love you!” Jeanne looked at his eyes. She had these teary eyes, there was silence all over the place and then suddenly she just burst out laughing with what James had said. “Hahah! You're joking again. How come? You loved me? You don't even remember to buy me a gift,” she uttered jokingly. “As I have told you before I could never imagine you getting serious.” Stupid partner!” Stupid love! There is no such thing as love in this world. You can’t even explain what love is.” Then she suddenly changed the topic. “Hey we'll be meeting on Wednesday for the upcoming big event. I'll be anticipating your presence. Ok!” James smiled but deep inside he was very down and was disappointed. He knew that what he felt was true.


On the next days, they were happy being together. James tried to move on as if nothing happened.


Months had passed; James was able to enter another relationship after another. He seems to be happy. Too stupid, he tried to love again and again. Yet, no one can surpass the love he felt before for Jeanne.


On the other hand Jeanne was able to graduate college. She became successful. She dedicated her life to making money and helping people. She busied herself so much so that she can't feel the emptiness and being alone. Until the time came that she got seriously ill. A lot of friends and relatives visited her. She felt the care of the people around her. James also visited her. Jeanne was very happy. After how many years, she met again her long time close friend.  “ How are you?” Jeanne asked.  “I’m fine. (Paused, then said silently).... struggling! ” Why?” She asked.  “To feel love,” James answered. Why, aren't you happy with Myra? “Perhaps! But, I am still longing for the girl who first started to let my heart beat, ” Oh no! Not again. Do you have a fever?” Jeanne questioned teasingly. No! I’m serious! You mean, you have already changed? Yeah. It’s been years ago. Really? That girl was fantastic. She changed a stupid guy like you. Yeah, YOU are FANTASTIC. Jeanne paused silently. Tears fall down her eyes. James asked, “Why don't you believe me? What I told you on your birthday was true, it will always will. Why do you have to be cruel on love?” Jeanne shouted while crying, “Because I'm afraid... I am afraid... I'm already sick that time. I had only one year more to live. It was just a miracle that I was able to survive with God's will. I told myself you can't love me. I’m afraid I will be leaving you. I can't afford to see you cry the moment I’ll already be up there. When the time came that I knew I was able to survive I already saw you happy with another girl and so I am happy for you. You were! And by that time, I tried to move on. I’ll always will. My life is about moving on and letting go. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “My greatest fear is.….I'm afraid you weren't true.” “You were afraid to believe!” , James defended. You weren't true! I knew it! I know this small thing is not a big deal, but I think this is enough for me to believe that you weren't really true. If you treat me as an important person in your life why did you forget my birthday? I called and reminded you during that time, remember? You haven't even remembered to give me a gift. It was my birthday. But gift is not important anyways, your presence counts. How dare you say you treat me as an important person in your life when you forgot everything. You forgot my birthday. I know its not a big deal but I guess that small thing will serve as a proof for me to think that way. If I forgot your birthday, I could have not wore this today. Looking at the bracelet in her hand. Your name and that date is written in this bracelet and I have been wearing this, all of those years. I was late during your birthday because I prepared a lot for that special surprise. Remember, the present I was carrying? Inside it was a bracelet. This bracelet, I was supposed to give you. But you only rejected everything. I remember what you had said, that you could never imagine me getting serious. You didn’t give me a chance. Jeanne cried and cried. “Why didn't you tell me you are serious? Why didn’t you insist?” “I did! But you were afraid to believe. As you have told me. If I insisted you wouldn’t still give me a chance. You were afraid that you would be leaving me. Why is Jaime in a Walk to Remember weren't afraid, she knows she'll die! You were always afraid! Why? Why do you fear?” “Because IT doesn't exist. LOVE doesn’t exist.”There was silence for a minute.“Can you open your heart?” , James asked gently.“I'm afraid to try.“ Jeanne told him while crying.“Can you please just let me open it. I promise to be gentle on you.” James said while wearing the bracelet on Jeanne’s hands. Tears fall down from Jeanne’s eyes as she nodded her head in affirmation.


On the next day James broke up with his girl friend. He told him that he was sorry and ask for apology. Upon going to the hospital, while carrying red roses and chocolate, James was shocked to know that Jeanne already died a few hours ago. It was already too late for him. He found a note in the table with the bracelet in it.


Dear James, Thank You! You took my fears away. You taught me how to be strong. Before, I was afraid to die. I was afraid to love but not now because I have proven to myself that Love do really exist. Don't worry, you weren't late. I want you to be happy, just move on with your life. Just wear this bracelet all the time for you to remember that I am always here loving you silently. I LOVE YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.                                                                                                                         Love,                                                                                                                          Jeanne                                                                                                                                                                               



May Faith J. Tutor                                                                                                                                                                                      


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