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      If only he knew... well... now he does.....


Alright.. so this whole 'love at first sight' thing... I never really knew if it was true....some say it is... others say it's bull... unfortunately.. this story isn't.. it is a very, very, VERY long process... which... like all heartache.. ends to my misfortune - horribly!


 So I met A at this youth theatre group.. as I am known to be a drama queen.. and it was where i fit in. At first, A and I didn't really talk all that much. Yeah there was the introducing and everything, and the occasional chit chat; but that was it... for now.


Then my good mate B came to youth theatre... he happened to be A's best friend. So over the next two or three weeks, i get to know A. He makes me laugh, smile, even when i feel so down that i want to be in tears... A seemed to make everything better. I started dressing to make myself look better and putting make-up on to look better for him. I started going out as a group with A and B's group of mates and I just.. 'fit in', it was like i knew them my whole life. I loved it. At first, i just thought that I had found a new, great friend who i could trust.. little did I know how I'd feel sooner.


Time came by, and it was only 6 or 7 weeks into this youth theatre did i realise that i got butterflies when I saw him, let alone talk to him.. the butterflies were having a party when i talked to him. So not only did I look forward to every Wednesday night when i saw him.. but also on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday afternoons when i got to talk to him for all of 5 minutes on the bus.


So, at this point, i knew this wasn't just a crush... because, at any chance i could, i brought him up in conversation to my best mate, or my sister. Although, they were the only people i told.. no one else knew. I always thought on telling B, so that he could tell A, but i always chickened out.


So a month went by, two, three, four... five... six months. wow. even i forget it was that time. And so it came to my birthday party.. i was too chicken so i got my sister to tell B about my crazy 'infatuation' - if that's what you want to call it, - with A, so that i would finally just know that A knew how I felt. I had to wait 5 days to know what i was to know. And in this case, 5 days felt like a year... the time went by so slow.


And so Wednesday came. I was talking to B, and just casually asked what B said........... He said A liked someone else but 'he wanted to keep our great friendship'. i could handle that, yeah i understood that if i had said anything sooner, it may have been different - oh i forgot to say that at the beginning, A liked me, but didn't say anything due to the fact that he thought i was too good for him. i hated him for that fact... i wanted to be with him, and he didn't say anything. I know. my fault too.


So that i night, i cried for two and half hours in front of basically everyone.. not my greatest moment. but at the end of the night, i went up to him, told him to forget everything B told him because i valued his friendship more than anything.. He gave me one of 'his smiles', the one that made everything better, and we went home. the heartache went on . Crying every day which hurt, crying in front of friends which was horrible. But, you see, i learnt to hide it... to forget that i even felt like this... did it work???


Four weeks later - TODAY -  Miserable.. after weeks of being happy and smiling, i realise that it hasn't changed, that i still hate the feeling of heartache, and that i am still in love with A, if not even more than before. Even worse... jealousy - the green eyed monster has come out. ‘Supposed-to-be-friend’ C, knew how I felt... How I feel… yet still, she has the nerve to flirt shamelessly with A in front of me, taking his attention away from me… It hurts… it broke my hiding and brought out more tears. It hurts the most when I see him looking at her the way he use to look at me. But I have to say; the thing that made this situation all the worse was how friends told me that they all saw what I saw… him feeling the way I felt for him.. For me… and so the devastation of knowing the truth was even harder than what it should have been. And you know what… it’s not the same between us. I know that there is a certain awkwardness which I hate. Because I really do want it to go back to being the same again. I miss him.


 All I can say is, that after falling in love with one of my closest friends, and losing the closeness of our friendship, I regret telling him, but then again not, because I have to take into realisation that, somehow, I have to forget that I am utterly and completely, madly in love with him.



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