4 years of heartache, and now hope
I am writing this because it really helps to get down on paper (per se) what I feel. Just getting this out there really takes some weight off my chest.
First off, maybe I'm strange, but I never understood the whole male sex thing. With me, the objective was never to just get the girl in bed(although that is a welcome activity). I wanted to Love, in the truest sense, I wanted to find the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. When I was 15, I found that person. Her name is Alexandra. She was so beautiful, 5' tall, green eyes, the perfect physique, I knew that I had to get to know her. Casual acquaintance led to dating, and I loved every minute of it. I felt like she was the only person that I could ever love, and strangely, I still feel that way after 4 years. I have had loves before her and after her, but nothing even comes close to filling the gaping hole in my heart that she left.
I want to be with her more than anything, but I am deeply saddened by the fact that it will probably never happen. I want to wake up beside her, I want to gaze into her beautiful green eyes, above all, I want to utter the simple phrase "I Love You" I want to get married, have 2 kids, and I want to work hard to support my family. I want to come home after a hard day at work and hold my baby, shut out the world outside and be wrapped in her all encompassing warmth. My love for her is unnatural. It is never changing, always pounding my brain with the utmost intensity. She once told me that whoever she was with, she ruined their lives, and that's true. You will never forget Alexandra as long as you live. You will love her until the day that you die, uttering her name in a vain last effort. Thus is the nature of loving the most beautiful person on earth.
Maybe this was the deepest problem in our relationship, no matter how much she loved me, I loved her more. I would die for her without hesitation, I would give my life to her as a gift if it would preserve her own. The last time I saw her I was a stupid kid. I was trying to be a "gangster" which was pretty funny :-). I was never comfortable with being myself, I always thought that she wouldn't like the real me. I did anything I could to impress her. I have not seen her or talked to her in 4 long years. So much has changed in 4 years, I have changed, and I assume she has too. I want the basic things in life, a good job, a family, but no matter how good my life ever gets it will mean nothing because Alexandra is not at my side.
Recently, I discovered that Alex had posted some ads on Craigslist looking for me. She said it was important the she saw me again. I can't even explain how happy this made me feel. It was like I finally saw a glimmer of hope for pursuing my undying love, a light at the end of the tunnel. As I write this, I have spent the past week obsessively searching for her. I only have one lead so far, and it seems like a dead end. Knowing that there is a slight possibility that Alex might still love me will fuel my search, no matter how long it takes. I will go to the ends of the earth to find her if I have to, I will keep searching every single day even if it takes years.
I am very worried about what will happen when I find her. What if she doesn't still love me? What if I profess my undying love and she thinks I'm an obsessive weirdo? What if she just wants to confirm the feeling that she doesn't love me anymore so she can get on with her life? I don't know what will happen, but I can always have hope. I hope that we can blossom a beautiful relationship again, I hope that we will get married, and that I can love her every day for the rest of my life. Until then I'll be waiting. The kid at the back of the coffee shop with a single red rose in my hand, I'll be waiting.
Thus is the nature of loving the most beautiful person on earth.