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      Love found and Lost

     


July 18th 2008 was one of the darkest days of my life. My best friend and I, we have known each other for about 5 years, we decided to date each other fall of 2004 after being friends. I was hesitant at first because of all the circumstances that surrounded us getting involved and plus I did not want to ruin the friendship. Apart of me believed then that we were meant to be. July 18th 2008, he decided to call it quits. I was completely devastated, he is the only guy I have ever been in love with. We spend so much time around each other. It's so hard to go back to just friendship. It did not take long for him to move on, maybe it was to help get over me, i do not know, but it hurt me even more to see how quickly he moved on to somebody else, it hurts me to have to listen to him tell me about her and how much he likes her. Apart of me still believes that we are meant to be. I spend my days and nights crying, because this is so painful. I thought we would always be together. We did everything for one another. He told me that I treated him bad in the relationship and that is why he chose to end the relationship. I feel so much guilt and misery for the role i played in this relationship coming to an end. I pray a lot to God right now, asking him for the strength to get through this dark period asking him if I made the right choices even though it ended up breaking up this relationship. Every time I wake up i think about how much I miss him and how much i need him here with me, we spent every moment together, how do I go on without him? He wants us to remain friends and although he is my best friend i do not know how I can deal with being his friend at this moment. It hurts to see him with some one else besides me. It hurts me when I think of all that we have shared how everything came crumbling down. I know that everything happens for a reason. He always told me he needed his space and that I was smothering him, I just could not let him go, but now I have no choice but to let him go. I keep living on the hope that one day we will end up together again, I keep living on the hope that if he happens to come back to me  then were truly meant to be. I know there is a lesson in all of this, I know i need to move forward, but as of right now i cant seem to thing beyond how I am getting through each hour of the day. I just want my best friend back but he does not want me. I want him to be happy but I want him to be happy with me. The pain that I am feeling right now is something that i cannot even explain, it's like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces and I cannot put it back together. I hope I get better as the days go by, it takes a lot of strength to get through this, I pick myself up off the floor to get through ordinary things such as taking a shower or eating. I keep thinking the love of my life is gone, I sit here waiting for him to come back to me as I still believe that one day we will be together again. Things will be different then, we will cherish each other like we were suppose to when we first started out. I love him and I always will, right now I am trying to heal my heart and put it back together. i do not want to be a bitter or cold person so I am trying to heal my soul and my heart. I pray that God sees me through all this. Amen.

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