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      It's just that..


i am a loner and thought that the world is a place for hypocrites. a smile from someone doesn't really mean he smiles for the better of you but it works the other way, i thought. i get heart broken almost every school year and i get a grand-slam because i have this confidence that's coming from watching too much movies! later, i told myself that love is just for those who has the money, the looks and the rebellious attitude against against their parents. yeah, i don't have those qualities. then there's one time when i thought i might be gay... then, when i got to college everything keeps repeating itself, same heartbreaks keep on happening to me even my grades has the same situation as i. though I'm a loner i still have friends that comforts me. the sad part is that no one can comfort a very very very distressed heart. if there's more worst than the word "rejected" and "monster" then, that would be me. there was one time when, I came to the point that i thought of suicide but thought that funeral services are very expensive and only old persons has the license to be dead since they have insurances. even my mom and dad doesn't have one, i believe. i thought various negative feedback's about me that I've heard and i got to the point of paranoia. i looked grumpier and grumpier that i looked older than i should. it worst-en my condition!! and then i let my mustache and  beard grow too thick and somebody at school would call me uncle though we're just of the same age.. i cant count the number of times i thought of hanging him to a post out of our school campus. time came when the college I'm in doesn't want to accept me anymore. that's when my father decided to bring me to a relative at the other town. they were a bunch of peaceful persons that when they smile you can tell that they are soo genuine. that's where i met Gaye, a half Chinese- half Latin girl. not only that, she's so pure and energetic. time freezes as i watch her study and scoop a mouthful of icecream. Gosh! she's perfect but it's just that... we're cousins. i never intended to be close to her but it seems that fate has her own ways. i felt bad for myself because not later than 4 months that i felt a different beat within me.. i think i had a crush on her. BANG! i became a slave unintentionally because i do the chores for her and even for the other members of the house thinking that she might notice the favor that i do for her. my heart got closer and closer to hers then i noticed one day that her childhood friend keeps coming back at the house and i think they love each other.  judging from the way they stare at each other. i didn't bother myself seeing them exchange smiles and play games together. i was happy outside but full of suspiscion in the inside. i judged the guy incapable of making her world lighter. i became jealous and bitter about the situation and slowly i became selfish and greedy. at night i watch her as she sleeps and i tell myself that i wouldn't let anything bad happen  to her.  but the worst happened, the man who was suppose to protect her had become the one who come take advantage of her.... i was close to insanity because of the battle of good and evil within me. i had sleepless nights because the opposite side of me keeps telling me that i should go to her room. sweats are coming out of my body as i try to resist it. unable to resist it, the dark force has overcomed my body. like a sheep going to be slaughtered i was brought to the place that i didn't desire to be...  her room. since I'm no christian, i managed to speak of this words on my mind "Gosh... i'm heading for a break down heaven man, with  the power that you have spare her... spare her!..." then there's something cold crawling on my face and when i got to the floor there was  blood within it... i didn't manage to see who it was but it sure was painfull, i got stabbed at the back... at the hospital, i knew then that it was his childhood friend who stabbed me. i laughed at myself though i'm in a bad condition. i told them i wont be coming back but they insisted that i didn't do anything yet. yet, i reasoned to the end that i'm a threat to her. i then said that it would be a great favor if you let me go and don't let her know but if she will know that i won't be coming home tell her that my future relies outside of our custody. the guy asked for forgiveness and i wonder how it works. i told you I'm no christian, that's why. i was happy when i heard that heaven guy did spare her and she didn't even know what happened that night. right now, i'm somewhere north far from her and starting over. i started to apply good grooming and enroll myself to self improving seminars. and i started to notice that i'm becoming a chicks magnet not to mention the reputation i have here is impressive. i need to go on and make-up for those persons i wronged before so that when i come back i'll give back the favor


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