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      I'm mourning her but she's still alive


We first met at work, noticed each other but done nothing for a year, we were both in relationships. A year later we went out, my life changed dramatically from what I thought I knew about love. For almost a year we were two that became one. Financially, I was getting deeper in debt though because of a sense of obligation to an ex wife, I also allowed my sense of obligation to take me away from her and do more and more things for my ex wife. The opportunity came for me to work abroad, which devastated her when I decided to do it. The reason... to be more financially secure so our life together could really take off. There were lots of other things that annoyed her about me, like the fact that I could be very selfish and I didn't have the time for her children that I should have. I didn't know how long I was going to be away for, she was very hurt but I couldn't see any other way. So we said we would see where the relationship went. After eight weeks I went back to see her for a week and things seemed fine. Not long after I returned abroad she told me it was all over, I had hurt her too much. The whole reason for me being away was gone. I returned to try and put things right. However, she was seeing someone else. Frustration, anger, helplesness and more set in. Words, very hurtfull words were said and could not be took back. Over several weeks we became closer again, she was still seeing someone else and was unwilling to end it, although she told me she did not love him.It gave me hope, we started to talk and make plans to go away for a break together. She even said that she wanted to give it another go, but for all the words, I let myself get hurt time after time. I can't believe she done it purposefully. Today its all came crashing down, no reunion, a trip paid for with no-one to go with an empty summer and the rest of my life knowing I'm not with the person who fulfills me. My whole life has came to a bone jarring halt. What to do? I feel that I'm grieving for someone who is still alive. Call me stupid, call me a hopeless romantic, I have no other choice but to let her live her life and hope against all else that I get a phone call one day. This is not the whole story, mistakes made on both sides, but she said she can't forget or forgive just yet. I don't think I can give my heart to another, she still has it. Love can be so cruel sometimes. I have no direction anymore but I wish her the best life still.

Dedicated to Jo... Hey U...I'm nothing without you. X


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