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      What is love?


This story begins back in October of 2002, a boy and a girl meet in a chatroom through friends and they fall helplessly in love, but have no reason to back why they feel this way. As the boy falls helplessly into this thing called love, the girl begins her path to something else. To find out more, just read.

Boy: I was an unpopular kid in school. I was always picked on and had very few friends. People didn’t like me for no apparent reason. Until one day where I approached those people and asked, “Why do you guys not like me?”. Long story told short, they had no reason to not like me so they gave me a chance and I had a shot at having friends. One day, after going to my newly acquired friend’s house, she introduced me to a teen chatroom on the internet and I thought to give it a try. That night, I went home and hopped on the computer and went on. I thought I was very unattractive for many reasons. I was overweight, had no confidence within myself, and did not know how to talk to people. My internet personality was the complete opposite of my real personality. Around 10 PM, I noticed another screen name in the chatroom that indicated she was an Asian. I was afraid to talk to her, so I didn’t IM her. Later on, she instant messaged me and I was surprised. I talked to her all night until she had to leave. I know I felt stupid because I have never felt like this for anyone. Later, I realized how can I fall for an internet crush. It was ridiculous in many ways. People would make fun of me for falling for someone that I have never met. Some would call me desperate and some would tease me all the time. Before she left the chatroom, I told her to meet me next week in the same room and at the same time. Like a fool, I came on everyday hoping she would be on. It was the day we were suppose to talk, but she didn’t get on. I felt sad and thought I was being fooled. She didn’t like me at all. She just used me to talk to. Keeping my hopes high, I kept going on. Couple days after the scheduled “internet date”, she came on. I asked her what happened and everything. She gave me her number. I was shocked. I didn’t know whether to call or anything. I thought I was being fooled again. I never got into a similar situation to this before. After consulting with a friend, I called her. She sounded so sweet. I fell for her, but then a question hit me. What is love? Can I really fall in love now? We talked for hours each night. I always loved telling her my stories and making her think I was cool. I wanted her to like me so bad that I lied to her. Later on after we got to know each other a lot better, I told her the truth about me. She accepted me for who I am. I was a nice guy, but she always hurt me. Usually before she logs off of AIM, she would say “I love you…..jk”. It hurt me to the bone. She would tease me about everything and always played with my heart. She didn’t know how I really felt. I always wished she could sense it, but I thought wrong. We became the best of friends. We told each other secrets. Whenever she had a crush, I felt hurt. I always asked myself, “Why couldn’t it have been me?”. I listened to her talk endlessly about her crushes while I was being crushed. Finally, I gave up hope. I moved on and found another girl who had a crush on me since kindergarten. I was interested in her because she was cute and that the fact that I had never had a girlfriend. My internet crush had been idle for a month or two. I thought she ignored me and never wanted to speak to me again. She logged on one day and I was happy. I talked to her about everything that happened. And then after my interest for the other girl disappeared, I immediately fell for her once again. Of course, I hid my feelings. She still had a crush on this one guy at her school which made me very uncomfortable. I became jealous. I started talking trash about him and she became frustrated with me. I stopped after a while and just kept quiet. And this ends my story for my middle school life.

Painful memories and events later……

After I left middle school and preparing myself for high school, someone very close to me passed away. I cried all night. Only one person really understood me and was there for me. She listened to me every time I needed to talk to someone. Of course, this event scarred me for life. After I started high school. I was again unpopular and overweight. I tried to make friends and unlike middle school people didn’t judge me for my appearance. They liked me for my personality. I still thought about her constantly. December 24, 11:37 PM, I finally confessed my feelings for her by playing a childish game by making her guess who I liked. After several tries, she figured out she was the girl. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She turned me down because she felt that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. It hurt me a lot. I couldn’t sleep all night. I was crushed and just didn’t want to like anyone. I know that I was not physically attractive, but I kept hating myself for not being more physically attractive. Countless months passed and I still think about her. I try to talk to her but it got a lot harder after she turned me down. I began to write love poems all the time and post them on my wed page. I wrote one poem that touched her and made her friends surprised. I expressed all my feelings into those small phrases and ending it with a phrase that made them all shocked. I told her, “Girl, I love you.“ One day, she called me crying about something. Of course I jumped on the phone and asked her, “What’s wrong?”. She told me that her friends were asking her about me. They were teasing her and asking her, “Are you dating him?” or “ Do you like him?”. Her friends also found it stupid for dating some guy over the internet. And she feared that they might call her desperate for she thought she was not physically attractive. This may sound like a lie, but I didn’t care much for her physical appearance. I liked her because she was very nice and sweet. I fell for her for her personality not for her appearance like most shallow guys do. On May 5, 2005, I asked her, “Well, do you want to be together?”. She didn’t know what to do because she liked me to, but feared the long distance relationship status. I told her that if we really liked each other, we wouldn’t care what others say or think because as long as we had each other we would have something they wouldn’t have and that was love. But again that damned same question came up in my head,” What is love?”. After we both agreed, I finally got the girl I was chasing after for two years. I felt tremendously happy and I wanted everyone to know that she was mine. People made fun of me for being in a relationship with a girl from another state. I didn’t care what they thought. I loved her, but did I really? Rumors, ridiculous comments, and insults came at me. They began to phase me as I feared being ridiculed. I began to lie to people that she use to live here and I fell for her before she left and we just kept in touch. She also did the same lie. Of course later on we would have to tell the truth for our paths were going to cross. We fought long and hard to maintain our relationship. We had fights and arguments over the phone and even phony break ups. But as we argued more, I began to understand her more. I realized I was learning by arguing. We would always get jealous at each other for being around the opposite sex. She would go to the extremes where she would log on my AIM and delete my buddies who were girls. One day, she threatened to leave me if I didn’t break up my friendship with a very good friend of mine. Like a helpless fool in love, I listened and followed through. More tears shed and more hearts broken. After a while, I began to not care about my friends and focus more on her. I never had the thought about cheating on her before. She always feared that I would leave her because she said that she was physically unattractive and overweight. I told her to not worry because I loved her for her and it wouldn’t change. To reassure her that I wouldn’t leave her, I always called her and tried to avoid making contact with girls. Little did I know that she was doing the opposite. She feared that I was going to cheat on her so much that she tried to make more guy friends just in case I would leave her. I became angry and asked her who are these guys. After a long and tiresome argument she stopped as so I thought. She went camping one day and a terrible thing happened. Her father died of a heart problem during the trip. She was completely crushed. I was there for her everyday. I made sure she was okay all the time because I feared she might do something stupid. I never left her side at all. Her father passing away was a big turning point for both of us. Months passed and finally, we were going to meet because my sister was getting married. I invited her and her mother allowed her. I prepared everything to make sure I was looking handsome. I didn’t want to look stupid in front of her. I came a little early just to make sure I was not late. I remembered it perfectly. She walked through the airport doors and I was astonished. My jaw nearly dropped off my face if I didn’t hold it. She was perfect. I couldn’t speak. She walked up to me and said hi. I just hugged her. And she felt my love for her in that one hug. I never left her side since that day. I was always with her. Sometimes we would argue, but we would always make up. If we didn’t argue, I don’t think I would make it this far with her because I wouldn’t know anything about her. I was her first boyfriend and supposedly her first love. I didn’t want to count the first girl I “dated” because we didn’t do anything that could be called dating. We just hung out like friends. But this girl was the girl I would love to call my first girlfriend and my first love. Since I met her, I didn’t care about anything anyone said about her. I would always defend her. We stayed out all night at times. I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world as long as I was next to her. Sadly, she had to leave. I cried on the day she left. I wanted to make sure that the next time she comes back that she would come back to someone who would look more attractive and more appropriate for her family and friends to accept. I lost weight and built muscles. I reached that certain goal for her and my motivation was always her to begin with. People couldn’t recognize me since I lost weight. Her friends thought she was cheating on me with another guy, but that other guy was me. She even lost weight for me so she would look appropriate for my family, but I didn’t want her to. She wanted to so she would feel better about herself. Although I disapproved, I still taught her how to lose weight. Little did I know that it would haunt me. The day she was coming over, I prepared everything. I cleaned my room and made space for her things. She came over and again I fell for her like the day we first met. We went home and prepared the room for us. She lived with me while she went to school here to be with me. I felt special and I wanted her to feel special, but I was still young and did not know how to make her feel special. As time passed, we went out to shop and eat. One day, she left me. March 15, 2008, was the day that I would never forget. She left me for another guy she met over a game. I was so shocked because I was cheated on. All those words she said to me and those promises. They all meant nothing to me anymore. I cried every night for the past 2 months. I really loved her, but she didn’t want to be with me. So instead of me cheating on her, she left me and cheated on me with another guy. The time we were apart showed me a lot. I really loved her. I could not stop thinking about her. I know this may sound stupid and naïve, but I really was preparing to spend the rest of my life with her with no hesitation. I was so angry and confused. I didn’t think I could move on. When she left, I finally answered my question. Love is not having a girlfriend or a wife or a person that could always make you happy. Love is a special bond between two people that is incomparable to anything. But again I was wrong. Love is a feeling that has no real meaning because love is felt in different ways. I tried to live the rest of my life alone and without the love of my life. I didn’t care what anyone told me. I still loved her and I always will. Everything I did, I kept thinking about her and everything reminded me of her. It was like no matter what I told her, she wouldn’t come back to me. It made me think that she didn’t love me at all and it made me want to die. Of course, I am not a stupid kid that would go suicidal. I just tried to continue my life without her. I avoided her instant messages and her phone calls. Anything that reminded me of her made me sad and angry. One day, she came to see me at work. She told me that she was leaving soon and wanted to see me one last time. I gave her a memory that she would never forget. When I saw her, I was angry and bitter, but for some reason I couldn’t stay mad. So I asked her to hang out with me. We went to the beach and played in the water. Two days later, we walked around downtown together and walked everywhere. I brought her to a place where she always wanted to go. At that place, I couldn’t hold back my feelings for her any longer. I kissed her. Finally we went to a place to be alone and we confessed everything. We got back together for just one night. I walked her home and it was very late and I was far from home. I didn’t care. I was too happy because she came back to my life. But little did I know that a simple text message ruined it all. I was too late. She was leaving with another guy for vacation. I couldn’t stop her no matter what I did. I still love her after all she did to me. I feel like a fool and thought, “What the hell did I get myself into?”. I am in love with a girl who is completely different from the girl I fell in love with 3 years ago. I don’t hate her and I don’t regret ever to meet her, but I do miss her warm presence. It makes me wonder why did she leave me. But all I can do is sit here and remember. What she did to me made me afraid to trust another girl. Even though its over between us, I am still her close friend and I am going to watch over her because I cant seem to let go of the love we once had. All I know is that the love of my life has walked out of my life. There is only one thing that I bought for her that I wish she would wear all the time. It is a bracelet that I bought for her for Christmas. As long as she still has that bracelet, I will never stop loving her.


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