Waiting For A Miracle
I was only 13 when I first fell in love with him. I had always been one to crush easily on boys, and at the time, I felt that this was no different. We were in the same class together, but rarely spoke. I was boyshy, incredibly so around him. At the same time, I was going through a great deal of problems at home (including my parent's separation, my brother's depression and panic attacks, and the deaths of several dear relatives) and became very depressed. I never tried to hurt myself, but was constantly suffering. Not even my friends were willing to be there for me, and I found myself completely alone and pining for a boy who I was terrified to speak to.
We did talk a few times throughout the school year, and even now I am positive that he returned the feelings I had for him. I would catch him staring at me almost as often as he would catch me staring at him. It felt lovely to be noticed by this boy. At the time, I didn't realize how smitten I was with him.
Graduation came. I knew that he would be going to a different highschool and I might not ever get a chance to speak to him again. The dance at the end of the night was winding down to the last few songs and I mentioned to a friend of mine that I was thinking of asking him to dance. Being the drama queen she was, she was ecstatic to see me take such a leap of confidence. Of course, at the last moment, I chickened out.
That didn't stop my friend, however. Giving me an incredulous look, she turned me around and literally launched me in his direction. I can't even describe the embarrassment I felt as I stumbled towards him while he looked on. I asked if he'd like to dance. He said yes. To this day, I still remember the feel of him next to me, the smell of his cologne, the way his hands rested on my waist. I don't think I've ever been happier.
The song ended and we parted that night without another word between us. Not another word for 4 years afterwards. I began highschool hoping to rid him from my memory. I'm still impressed I actually managed to make myself forget my love for him. In grade 9, I met another boy on the internet and we dated for 2 years. It wasn't until we met nearer to the end of our relationship that all I wanted was for someone to love me. I'd gotten that, and realized I wanted more. There was no spark between us and I didn't feel anything for him. I tried to love him, but the more I tried, the more emotionless I felt. In the fall of grade 12, I dumped him.
It was a relief. I felt free. I suddenly discovered who I was, what I wanted, and who I wanted to be. Everything was going great, until one day this April, 2008.
I was walking with two friends, Sarah and Caitlin. We rarely came down to our old gradeschool anymore, but on this occasion, we came very close, sitting in a field nearby and talking. That was when Caitlin pointed out a runner on the path near us. Surely enough, I looked over and saw one of the most handsome men I have ever beheld, only to notice a second later that it was the boy I was once in love with.
At first, I thought nothing of this sighting. Soon, however, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I dreamed about him. I thought of him every second of the day. But with no contact for 4 years and very little when I did know him, I was unsure of what to do.
I've re-added his old email on msn, thankful to find that he still uses it sometimes, but I haven't spoken to him. He hasn't spoken to me either. I feel lost without him, and am unable to think of anything else. I have even tried flirting with other boys, but it never lasts as my thoughts always come back to this lost love of mine.
I love him now as I always have. Is it too late to try again?