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the thing that makes this story different from what I've read so far is that there is no ending. I'm posting this now because it's been on my mind for a long time, but the events are still playing out.

 

so there's this girl. She's a senior in high school and just graduated last week. I'm a junior. I'd seen her in the hallways for the past couple years, but i had never talked to her before so it was more like "oh she's cute" than "oh i love her". but this year for the first time we had a class together, and it was a senior/junior/sophomore combined class so i didn't have many friends in it. therefore i started talking to her and some other seniors that i knew.

 

we had a strange first encounter to say the least. I was talking to another kid about signing up for some school program, and hearing this she said "eff that in the A!" (as a side note, she really did say "eff" and "A", not the actual swears). to which i jokingly replied "eff YOU in the A, later tonight!" obviously a bit shocked at my immediate response, she proceeded to make an evil glare at me. this first meeting resulted in a long year of humorous back-and-forth insults and name calling. what fun. what fun indeed. we even started hanging out together whenever we were with large groups of friends outside of school

 

as the year progressed, mainly after winter break, i started to think of her as more than just someone to exchange friendly banter with. i started to have feelings for her. big feelings. BIG, seriously. i kept those feelings a secret for a while, thinking "she's a senior, i wouldn't have a chance, and she'll be graduating soon anyways" (did i mention i'm an idiot?) Not long after i made this decision, i actually found out from a friend of mine that she liked me. I didn't even believe them at first, but eventually i found out it was true. I was so happy, but yet i was still somewhat in disbelief, so i had trouble talking to her for the next couple days. But eventually i worked up the courage to invite her over to my house to see a movie we both had been talking about for a while. We kissed for the first time that night. Once again... so happy. Later i was driving her home, and feeling pretty confident at the moment i decided to ask her to prom, and she said yes! Everything was going great for me. Nothing bad could ever happen, right?

 

Here's where it starts going downhill. I had known before we hooked up that she was a bit of a party girl. You know, not an alcoholic or anything, but she went to parties with booze quite frequently. Where as myself, I only go rarely to such parties. So i was OK with it. But then, the same friend who told me that this girl liked me told me something else: that she "wanted" this much older guy who she saw all the time at her drunken parties. i figure drinking+wanting=bad news for me, so this got me pretty concerned. Then the friend told me that she only wanted him in a "i want johnny depp" kind of way, not like she actual planned on hooking up with him. so that was a bit of a relief.

 

then guess what. she hooked up with him.

 

this was told to me by the same friend, and i met the news with dead silence. i eventually said that was going to talk directly to her before asking anyone else about it. so i did. and she got pissed. not at me, at the friend who had told me. she stormed off to find the friend during school, and after trying to find her i sent her a text message asking to talk about it. so we met in a secluded corner of the school to have a talk about us.

 

She said that she was obviously drunk when it happened, and that she didn't even think we were in a relationship at the time (looking back on it, i never actually asked her out.)  She assumed that we weren't and i assumed that we were. After thinking about it, I asked her out right then and there, but she said that she couldn't be in a relationship. She has sort of a commitment phobia (which her friends said is true) and she got really annoyed at the last boyfriend she had because of the responsibilities, and she didn't want that to happen to me. So we made an agreement. or rather, i agreed to what she wanted. I said that i could live with not officially dating her, which was true, and then we hugged and she left the school. we picked up where we left off, we go out or stay home and make out like a normal couple might. but it's not the same.

 

I don't know of any specific incidents that have happened since then, but it's hard to trust a person who you know has hooked up with somebody under your nose, and goes to drinking parties with older guys there. you figure something's going to happen. that's where the pain comes from. when I'm with her, i feel happier than i think Ive ever been before. but whenever I'm not with her, all i can think about is how at that very moment she might be at some party kissing some random guy that i don't know. I can't even say this to her, because I'm afraid that she'll think of me as clingy or annoying and not want to be with me anymore. seems like any move is a losing one.

 

So here i am, on a Saturday night at my computer spilling my guts to people i will never meet or be comforted by, in an attempt to make myself feel better by putting all of my feelings into words. I texted her today saying that we should hang out after i get out of work, and she agreed. then i sent her another telling her that i finished work, but i received no reply. It's been 6 hours and I've given up hope. this happens all the time. so what am i supposed to think she's doing? it's a Saturday night. she's probably getting wasted, which always brings back my old fear of her and some anonymous guy making out. who knows, maybe it's happening right now as i type this.

 

Do i become the paranoid guy who asks her if she's been hooking up with anyone else, or do i just keep things the way they are and deal with it? i would never forgive myself if i said something to her that caused her to leave me, but it's so hard to live with this hurt all the time. I love her, but i wish i didn't. that would make this easier. the cursed irony of love is how immeasurably painful it is.

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