I've experienced the worst heartache of my life not long ago. I and my boyfriend went our separate ways yesterday, which was our anniversary of 11 months. He initiated it, but I am the reason for it. Part of my heart went to someone else. But never did he ever blame me. Instead, he treated me even better, so much that I felt like a princess, really.
I know he had tried his best to keep me by his side. He spent almost three weeks standing by me, struggling to accept the fact that his love has someone else in mind. Yet, I can't do anything. When he asked me whether I would give up the other guy for him, I can't seem to get any words out of my mouth. Yet, I know he is my one and only real love up till now. Contradicting I know, but feelings are complicated.
I really wish I could just throw everything I have away and just be with him. It hurt me deeply; so deep, to the extent that I can't stop my tears from flowing. All that was on my mind were thoughts of my life without him, and the tears just kept going on. All I could do was just sit motionless and stare blankly, wondering why did the things that happened happen. Why did I even let it happen? I kept thinking and thinking, and the more I think, the more I resent myself. I resent myself for making the most important guy in my life shed tears; I resent myself for hurting my love; I resent myself for doing all those things that I did.
He may not be the best guy in the world, but he is the best guy in my eyes, my world. He may not be the most sensitive guy, but I believe he is trying to be the sensitive guy that I want. He may not know how to sweet talk that well, but he always shows his love for me through actions.
Right now, everything - even the slightest thing - is reminding me of him. When I eat, I think of the food he likes and dislikes, and think of how he always took the trouble to buy my food first. When I take the bus, I think of how I used to lean on his shoulders during the journey. When I am at work, I think of the times where I look forward to meeting him when I knock off. When I am watching television, I think of how we used to watch soccer together. When I am lying on my sofa, I think of the times we spent together sitting there. When I am bathing, I think of how he used to help me dry my hair. When I am going to sleep, I think of how he used to pat me to sleep. I feel so lost without him right now. He just wouldn't get off my mind.
I keep having selfish thoughts - if he is hurting while struggling to accept the fact that I like another guy when we're together, and he will hurt too if we split, so why not we just stick together? But I have already betrayed him; I have no right to ask for anything. I have no right, no say. In fact, I feel ashamed of myself.
Most of my heart is still with him up till now, but I do not deny that I have a liking for another. I do not wish for him to continue hurting like now, because he is still willing to wait for me, wait for the day where I will go back to his arms.
I can't sleep well, unless I cry myself to sleep. I don't know how long I can take this. I jolly well know the decision lies with me, yet I don't know what to do. Scold me, hate me, whatsoever. I hate myself too.
I just hope that he'll still be there, when all the heartache ends.
For him: You are not alone. I will still be here for you always, too. And you are not trying alone. I am also trying my best to sort out everything and give you a definite answer. Please promise me that for this period of time, eat well, sleep well. I never ever want anything to happen to you. I have never changed your name in my phone; it's still named as dearie. I have never deleted the goodnight messages that you sent me without fail every night throughout the 11 months. And I have never gotten you out of my heart. You'll always be a part of me, no matter what <3