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      I want to let go but


I started a new job in the fall, soon after I met one of my female coworkers. At first I didn't really think much of her. She was pretty but it takes a lot more than that to attract me. After a few months of working with her, something terrible happened, I started to fall for her. She liked all the same things as me, she had many of the same views I did, and I felt very natural and at ease around her. At the back of my mind though I thought that I would never have a chance with this girl. She was far too pretty for me, she could probably have any guy she wanted.

I mean Im not a hideous monster or anything but this girl was in my eyes stunning.

But we started to hang out outside of work for a little while and I realized that she liked spending time with me.

So I decided to ask her if she would like to start dating me.

All my friends assured me that she would say "yes". They had seen that we got along very well.

So finally I found a quiet moment at work to pull her aside and ask her. She looked surprised. She said that she had some bad experiences before, and had dated some real crazies. While she was speaking I was pretty sure that at the end of her sentence she was going to say "no". But then her exact words were "I'm not saying no". She wanted to get to know each other better. I felt pretty bad about this none the less. I thought she was just letting me down softly. But the next weekend she really wanted to hang out and everything went very well. Strange. One of the best feelings was the one I got when she asked me at the end of the night when we could see each other again. She really wanted to see me soon! But for some reason I really liked how she called later to see if I got home OK. That meant a lot to me. We hung out quite a bit and she do the little nice things that I love, like leaning on my shoulder. She also told me quite a few personal things about herself, and she told me she trusted me.

I was on a high because of this for a while. I felt great. I felt that I had found a really sweet, pretty and caring girl for myself. But I guess it was not to be.

A few weeks later she was going to go on a trip down south. I thought this was a good enough time as any. I wanted to know if we were going to date. It had been about a month and a half so I think enough time had passed. I was pretty confident. So I went to visit her at work a day or so before her trip. I remember it was the day before Valentine's day. I pulled her aside and said that I really liked her and I said that I needed to know if I had a chance.

She turned away and said "Not right now". She said that she loved someone else.

I hugged her and left. I don't remember the car ride home. I do remember feeling totally numb. I didn't know how to react. I was zombified. My family noticed it. It was not until the next day that it hit me. I was sitting in my car in a parking lot and I started to cry. I cried a lot.

All my friends were shocked. They told me to forget about her. They said that she had lead me on. That she should of told me that she loved someone at the beginning instead of getting my hopes up.

Forget about her? Ya, then Ill go turn back the tide and stop the sun from rising.

She still talked to me after that which made it hard. She then said that she did care about me but that she was tangled up in something else.

One night after that I took her out to eat. She told me the whole story. She was having problems with her ex boyfriend. Apparently she had dumped him because he was lazy,had no job, and was a high school dropout. not only that but he was still interested in his old girlfriend. But now she was thinking of taking him back.

But here is the clincher, here is what really made me feel like I was worthless. This guy lives in Virgina. We live in New Jersey. That's at least 850 miles away!!! I was competing with some guy in another state!! I was right there for her, and still she picked some lazy jerk who is a plane ride away.

That was 5 months ago as of this writing. I want to let go. I want to forget about her but I cant. She was the first girl I ever loved. It wasnt just that she was beautiful, it was that she really cared and made me feel like the best version of myself when I was around her. I felt like God put her on Earth just for me. Now I feel like she was put here just to tease me, to let me know what I was missing. My mood fluctuates wildly. I start to feel ok, then she starts to talk to me and my resolve crumbles. I honestly dont think I will meet someone as wonderful as her for a long time. Its horrible.

So now, Im trying to let go of her. She is apparently very mixed up. I will always care a lot for her, but I guess she wasn't the one for me. I liked her because she was special, she had her own style and was very sweet. So its been hard not to think about her, especially since she still wants to be my friend . But I guess I have to endure. Ill find someone special who loves me, and hopefully then I will be happy. I hope she will be happy too. -mike


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