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      The Pain it Caused When I Had Loved Him

     


I am just a simple girl that can be able to learn how to love and behurt.... I am 18 now, and at my age I've got a lot of experience whenwe talk about love... I was just in second year high school when istarted to have boyfriends. I know it was just a fling love... A partof growing up.. A part of being teenager.. I know there were times thati was hurt... But as time goes by...I can say that time heals allwounds... So I continue on being such a girl having boyfriends, noworries about anything...I don't care if i was hurt, what is importantis that i have experience and learn how to love...



But all of that relationships where just a part of my flings..mygames.. I never thought that I would come into more complicatedthings... complicated relationships.. Bigger problems and hurts. What ihave just thought, is that I know what to do no matter what kindarelationships I may have... but I never imagine of falling in love to aguy who's 10-year older than me.. He's name is Noel...He is working ina great company as a system administrator..I am 18 years old and so heis 28 now.



At first, i don't think it was really a real love... I just thought itwas just a lust.. what i felt for him.. He is a perfect guy for me..Can give me what i want financially, and physically.. He is a niceguy.. He treated me good but I don't think if he really loves me .. Forme, i'm not sure I really love him too.. what we have been talkingabout were not love.. it was just a satisfaction of our human needs...When i needed him, he was there.. when i he needed me.. i was there tofor him.. At first.... we were happy with each other. I thought it hasno end at all.. I thought we don't have any problems at all. We werejust thinking of our happiness.



On the other hand, the people that knows our relationships don't reallyagreed with us. My friends knows our situations.. They were telling methat i should stop this kind of frailties.. But i never followed them..They leave us alone.. And so we continued our relationships...



But then as time goes by i felt as if i was totally falling in lovewith my man... When i was not with him even just for how many hours imissed him so much.. I felt irritated when i saw him talking withsomeone in his phone... I am jealous when he talk about other girls..and so i know i was falling in love with him... I love him.. until Iknow i can't afford to lose him...



Until the time had came.... the moment which was i never did expected...



The moment which was i am afraid of.. I don't know if i was just a foolloving him, be with him without knowing his background... I love himnow, Yes... but i was just so blind...



On that very day of my confusion, a woman, maybe, of my man's age hadcame along to me.. She is also a nice girl.. I know she'sprofessional.. With nice looks also. She talks to me.. There issomething that made me shock..



I trembled, shivered and I felt like i was being strike by an arrowdirectly to my heart... The woman told me, she was the wife of the mani was with. And that he don't went to there home anymore.. He don'tcare at all... In that case... I cried I don't know what would I sayand what would i felt.. my emotions where so confused... And so thewoman continue to talked to me.. She told me they had a son.. Athree-year old son... She told me in a nice manner. She's professionalas what i have told.. She never did confronted me..she just talked tome well.. She told me that i am young and nice.. that she knows i canmet a guy that would love me more... a guy who is single.. Don't haveobligations and responsibilities at all. That he can give me all histime and love... She told me, that i should end up with him.. That imight ruin their family... She told me that she can forgive us.. shecan forgive his husband and she can forgive me...that they can start ananother start.. a new life with their son.. and so i can start my lifetoo.. She told me it is never too late..and then she leave me..withtears in her eyes and mine too.



After that very moment... I was awoke.. awoke in a very long longsleep. I thought i was just dreaming. a nightmare and that i can hardlybelieve that i had love a wrong person at a right time... I am filledwith guilt...conscience and frustrations... I love Noel.. I don't wannalose him but them i am thinking of his family.. The person we'vehurt.... So bad... yet i have to let him go.. for the sakes of thepeople involve in us..



That very night were together... I take my chances.. I let him feel howmuch i love him.. I give him all that i can give.. I know it was thelast time we can do that... then early in the morning I fixed my thingsand so his things... Then the moment he woke up. He wondered why... Iwas packing his things and mine... Then I told him... "Pa, ( pa and mawere our endearment to each other) i just want you to know that i loveyou... that i had loved you ever since the day that i was with you.. inever told you ever since yet i let you feel.. Pa, i you won't leavethen i'll do.." he was amazed.. He told me what the hell am i talkingabout.. and so i told him... " Pa, you never did told me that you loveme... now i know coz somewhere out there you have them, the people whomyou truly love.. your wife and your son... i know ,Pa, coz she was hereyesterday, talked to me...Pa leave me now, go back to your family andgive them the right love they deserve... change your way and startanother one...Pa i know it hurts but it it would still hurting meknowing there are people who was there being hurt too.. this is thetime i should give up pa.. even though it cause so much hurt.. Pathanks for everything.. for everything we had ever since.. for all thehappiness we had.. I love so much Pa... I love you but i have to saygood bye..." and so as i tell him that last words i kissed himgoodbye... for the last time... He told me anything.. Only those wordsthat touch my heart.. "Ma, i'm sorry... I know i never been honest fornot telling you this things, yet i just want you to know even though inever told you that i love you... but i love you also... so much.. inever told you that i love you coz i'm guilty. I don't have the rightto tell you those words coz i'm already married... but deep inside howi wish i could tell you.. that you will be mine forever even though itwon't happen...Ma, i'm so sorry if i ruined your life... I shouldn'thave do this to you... but i'm sorry ma ...really really sorry...thankyou also for the memories we had for your love and understanding..."



and so we depart from each other... I looked back to the place where iknow i have learned how to love so true and the place where i had beenhurt so much.. The pain was there so much painful... I never thought itwas the end...and what i have now is the memories... I cried as i leftthat place...



Now how many months have passed...the pain is still there... but i knowthat still God and time will heal all those wounds in my heart..But onthe other hand i never regret all those things.. im happy despite ofthose pains.. im happy that i have learned how to love and be hurt.. Iwill keep this memory as i continue to live in this world.. I knoweverything has a purpose... And that i know the right man might comeinto my life in the right time...and that i will no longer love a wrongperson and everything soon will be alright..



I don't know if where is Noel now... but i will never forget him... Iwill never forget that once in my life I had loved him with all of myheart...Never......











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email me at vitamin_b18@yahoo.com

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