It started over 22 years ago, but the love I felt for Christopher has never changed. For whatever reason our lives took us in different directions, but something inside of me has never been able to let go of the memories that he and I once shared.
We were young when we first met, and so it was not surprising that we ended up with other people. I guess we just weren't meant to understand it all back then, and today a part of me still struggles to understand why things never worked out. A big part of that is my fault, and I am the first to admit that.
Christopher returned to my life 10 years after we met, and after 5 years of waiting patiently for me, I watched him walk away again. I was married with a young child, and found all the excuses in the book to stay in my marriage. The biggest reason was simple fear of taking that giant leap of faith on feelings that I had for someone when I was only 19 years old, and after only one night together. I took Christopher for granted in thinking that he could never walk away from me again - but I know he had no other choice than to give up on me.
Now another 10 years have passed, and I find myself spending more time each day thinking about him and wondering when I will ever find peace. A year ago I lost my mother to cancer, and things have made even less sense than they did before. My father and family are still in my life to some extent, but for some reason I still feel very alone. I have so many feelings hidden from the world around me, but insist on keeping them that way. I guess deep inside I just don't feel I can really trust anyone with my feelings the way I trusted him.
I know that even when I had Chris in my life, I left way too much unsaid. I was afraid he didn't know me well enough, and if he did, that he would walk away. I loved him so much, but just didn't know how it would ever work out.
After all this time I can honestly say that I have learned even more than I knew 10 years ago, and maybe that is all part of the "plan". As much as I wanted to be "ready" to be with him, maybe it just wasn't time yet.
I am still afraid of starting over with him, but more afraid of wondering where I'll be in another 10 years without him.
I can only pray that he misses me half as much as I miss him, and that somewhere deep in his heart he knows that my love was very real.