The plane ride home
(Perfect music to read this to? "Stand" by Rascal Flatts or "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion.)
I looked out across the sky. The small window of the plane gave a small picture of the vast world. Of the place that I had just left one of the only guys I had ever truly liked. My crush on him went beyond looks or lust, I truly felt comfortable around him... Let me explain.
Around seven days before, I had been on this very flight, heading away from my home, to a state across the country, to visit my family. Their neighbor, Ryan, I had meet several months before, when I first visited them. He had caught my eye then. I was attracted to him, even though he was not the hottest guy I'd ever seen. I was so excited to see my family and him, I looked a lot better than I had when I'd been first been there, but most importantly I felt more confident.
I looked amazing the day I saw him again. My jeans fit just the right way, my hair looked great, and my shirt emphasized my body. I felt beautiful, then i saw him. I can't tell you why I was attracted to him. Maybe it was his self confidence or his eyes. Or his sense of humor, but I fell for him, I fell hard. I basically spent the rest of my trip with him. We flirted like crazy, and I was way more "out-going" than I would have been at home. That first night, he mentioned how "hot" I was to my cousin, and my confidence soared. I had only been wearing sweats and he thought I looked "hot".
We exchanged phone numbers and we talked several times at night, while I was there. On the plane home back, I was crying. It was one of the longest car rides of my life, away from him to the airport. And this is coming from someone who has driven from Toronto to Texas! I hoped the whole way there, that the flight would be delayed and we'd be able to stay another night. Unfortunately, this was not in "the plan" of life. I tried to hide my hurt and sadness from my family and friends when I returned home, only my best friend knew how hurt I really was.
It was a long time before I was able to think about him with a smile. At first I was sad about leaving, then I was hurt because he never called, then I wanted him to want me. Now, I still want him to want me, but I also want him (and myself) to be happy. It never would have worked out between us, because of the distance. Maybe if things were different, it could have, but life isn't about "if"s.
I'm going back in about a month. People have told me "it's only as awkward as you make it", so I plan to make it not awkward. This time, I won't leave with a broken heart. I'm smarter, older, and wiser. Maybe, we can be friends.
Although, I would never wish my feelings of heartache on anyone, I do believe that this has taught me a valuable lesson, that life stops for no one. That even when you feel like crawling into bed and never leaving the comfort of your sheets, you have to. It's times like those, that you have to stand up and never succumb to the feelings of pain.
This is in the love story category not because of the feelings I have towards the guy, but because of the feelings I have to myself. I know I am stronger now, I know that I am survive of anything now. This has been a long, difficult journey, but in the end it has made me love myself even more. Our bodies are incredible, they routinely handle stress, our mind routinely deals with conflict, but our emotions, they keep us human. The emotions go through a hell of a lot, and in the end, it's the emotions that we are often left with.