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      The Craziest Men in my Life

     


I'm a 22 year old IT professional, single woman who is socially active, is interested

in lots of things, loves people, is ambitious and very career

minded. I have never been committed. I surround myself with the types

of people I enjoy being with as much as possible. I share good,

buddy-type friendships with all my male friends, who find it easy to

communicate to a "cool girl" like me. However, my life is also filled

with a "special male friend' who never takes that step away from

"close friend" to move to dating, even though the relationships 'look'

like we are dating based on the amount of time we spend together.



This is the third time this kind of a "special friendship" is

happening to me. I continue to enjoy these relationships, but I find

it frustrating as well. Also, such "special friends" of mine are only

known to my brother.



In the past two cases, I enjoyed these "special friendships" when was

happening. But they somehow didn't last very long.



The first one got over on no-hostile terms, but simply because we got

busy with our lives at the same time and lost touch. He is 3 years

older. Though we recently got back in touch, I haven't got the time

for regular contact, but I know I have a buddy there.



The second was tragic and left a deep impact on my personality as a

whole and totally changed my view towards men. The second guy,

strangely whom I haven't met often, is 6 years older and went away to

another country for better prospects. After being enjoyably close

buddies for nearly 6 months, he suddenly began ignoring me completely

and nine months later when I was able to contact him, I learnt he has

now settled with people of his ethnicity and that keeps his social

life active. I was deeply hurt to learn he was simply yearning for

companionship then and he got it through me. I felt like a loser, and

wished to reestablish myself with him and prove him otherwise, but in

ended up in him, either assuming, or, simply to put down the rumors

that I was frequently contacting him claim, that I was madly in love

with him and he spread that word about me.



It was so unbelievable that he spread such ill word about me after

sharing such a close friendship. Being a person of reputation, what

was hurt was my pride.



Well, how close is an friendship if he was calling me up, over

international calls, that too, for at least 20-30 minutes, on a daily

or alternate day basis?? And it was he, who called; I neither had the

money, being a school girl, nor the guts to request him to call me

that often. I felt guilty that he was shelling it out and I saved up

and called at times as well. But my pocket was small and the

international calling rate from my country was three times more.



When I learnt about his "desperate-for-him" description about me to his

society, it had a deep psychological impact on the ambitious me as it

happened at a tender age of 16. I was aghast that having been so

close, he actually did that to me. It's impossible to assume, I had a

crush on him, for he discussed at a buddy-level, his current and past

relationships.



Why would a girl like him, despite knowing his love life?



Being much taller and way different, I never sought any relationship

with him and I am confident he knew that too. If he didn't that speaks

about his poor comprehension. He was patient, mature and was a

pleasure to talk to, and I had high regard and respect for him, except

that I hated his claims on his love life. He never had a proper

commitment but simply claimed that some girls were attracted to him,

and ditched him after a while.



I never thought I would end up being a similar "victim", and that too,

the most discussed one, for his cheap love-life claims, which were

nothing but close periodic friendships barring two very brief

relations which were totally his-side moves, but he made it sound like

the girls were attracted to him, induced him into it and cheated on

him.



What is more disgusting that he presently has a girlfriend, about whom

he is quite public, so I assume they will tie the knot, which is

sweet, 'cause finally other girls are spared from this silly guy's

assumptions that they love him. But what is nasty is that he once

claimed to me that ever since he moved abroad for better prospects,

this girl and her family have been chasing him. I know that , now,

that girl has been told and the couple sit and enjoy discussing about

a "chasing and desperate" me, but I only wish she knew that she was

once discussed in that same manner with me!!



Live and let live! I don't intend ever telling her that and spoiling

their seemingly "finally-ending-in-the-knot" relationship, but for

some reason, the email and it's copies, that holds proof that the guy

spoke about her like that still remains me. Anyway she's going to live

a lifetime with him. She'll learn about him better than what my words

could possibly tell her. Let her live to learn that ! After all, it

probes the inner me, that she too discussed and laughed about me with him.

Can't blame her, yet Ö.



What irritates me is that he has the reputation of a "mature",

"intelligent" and "elder bro" sort of an image with that gang he's

got and I have all the written proof of his inner dirty self to bring

that reputation down.



I am not sure why such a small issue, as my brother called it, affects

me so much.

Perhaps I was too young and too stupid then. I was just stepping into

new doors of higher education, an arena where I was determined to

prove my worth all the more. Instead of doing that, unreasonable as it

sounds, this personal issue, hurt me so much that I crazily went on a

pursuit to destroy all possible records of proof that I ever knew this

man and I succeed to do the same, because he was simply too stupid and

fell into my hack trap.



I did that because I have a reputation in my society and I simply

can't afford to forgo that to some man, in some corner of the world,

craving for such cheap publicity that "the girl madly loves me, etc".

I have a good reputation and I know I am destined for great

achievements and at that high profile level, I am simply going to

discard such rumors (if it lasts till then) as someone claiming to be

associated with me. (Laughs! Though it's highly hypothetical, yet I

don't want any proof existing with him that we ever knew each other).

I have safely secured copies of them however. If at all I suffer low

BP in life, this old dude would at least be useful in one last way!



After all that, I don't know whether it is him or me, who had the last

laugh? For after stepping into his inbox, I learnt that he's told

people that I even create "fake personalities" to contact him as "he

was ignoring and trying to get rid of me" and he warned them to not

addthat fake person!!! Beats me, if "I" wished to contact "him" , I wouldwant him to talk to "me" and not to that fake counterpart! And why would

Ido fake identity and contact his friends?? I am disgusted if that ishis cheap comprehension and if not, he is simply craving for cheappublicity.

Poor guy actually assumed I am such a small fry isn't it ?

I did vast reading to get into his inbox, which also required me to be

personally involved with him so I called up about five to seven times

, and sent about three emails in two years, to give that " I am still

hoping to reestablish our friendship" image and all this boosted his

stupid vanity so he fussed to his entire world that "that girl

is still bugging me" and "never give her my details" image, while all

along , I was executing a social engineering attack.



But his inbox gave me a bigger attack but it ended the two year angst

over this silly guy. If you, like my brother, think it is too small an

issue, let me tell you, it isn't! How ill can a close friend speak

about you, so much so that his friend emails him some ugly woman's

naked pornographic images with my name as the subject? Well, that

speaksabout what kind of an image he's given about me to those chaps. Mybrother suggested, perhaps he may have some explanation for it, butwhatever that is, it's unforgivable.



I can spot him in any crowd (I'm certainly not acknowledging him) but

he would never recognize me for the 16 year old face that he knew, has

evolved over years and is much unidentifiable now. Perhaps, my

maiden name will last another few years. But very bit of him as he was to me, is to stay

forever and I hope he'll live to realize his wrong and regret.



But I must admit, I don't forgive myself for several reasons

associated with this. One- having known his silly love claims, I

should have remembered that while reconnecting with him. Importantly

two, is that, being an ambitious girl, I shouldn't have strayed away

for a man who isn't even worth my shadow. My brother never allows me

to discuss him for he says he isn't worth isn't worth being spoken

about. Yet, I personally believe it is a secret achievement of a two

year conquest to psychologically confuse a highly qualified

professional into my little trap. Despite, the guy not being worth my

time, I did learn something about psychology.



In this process I learn t that ironically, I and this weird man have

some strange links through common friends, about which only I know,

except for one lady whom he told me had moved into my locality.

It's no big New York city.

A good socializer can meet or at least

hear about every single person within a year or two.



It is very small town-like, peaceful place which I take pride about

and despite knowing that it was his friend, I was hoping to help her

out in anyway that would make her feel at home.



I thought it would be more congenial if I introduced myself citing our

common friend instead of telling her that she worked for one of our

groups through whom I actually identified her. Ironically I never stalked to find out about her, she was mentioned as a very smart,

poised and talented single woman and I recognized the name as the one he mentioned. I

spotted her out with another employee whom I had seen earlier and

guessed it should her, 'cause I simply know everyone else. And thought

it was worth a guess.



But very soon, my hack plan materialized and I learn t that she too was

given this cheap image about me. Unwilling to spoil our family's three

generation reputation in that locality, I concluded I would henceforth not acknowledge

her again. In my initial fury, I though I should do away with her, but

the very basis how I learn t about her was a random commendation,

neither can I ask a worthy person to be shown the gate

( as that calls for explanation) , nor do I wish the office to lose

good people. But I'll keep away anyway.



Having closed that one long strange fever that caught my mind, I felt

much better, but had this lack of sense of direction in life. My big

dreams remained but the drive was lost. During these years, I met my

third "special friend" and this time it's much different from the

previous. The earlier times, it was so amusing and enjoyable when it

happened, and either forgettable or regrettable later. This time, it

isn't entirely enjoyable and I don't know if this will reach an end,

for me to realize it's ramifications.



I am not sure what exactly I feel about this guy. He is the most

intelligent man I've met. There is so much of good I could write about

him, but not exactly at this minute, when I am feeling so insecure

about him. And this is the umpteenth time, I am crying for the way

he's hurt me.



Frankly, if I said, he's hurt me, nobody will believe it. Neither can

I, for that matter. He speaks politely and never raises his voice. But

he leaves me feeling like a loser that brings me to tears.



An ego man, who'd rather burn inside than admit his wounds outside. He

easily understands me and knows me inside-out and I get "ripped off"

feeling when I am with him. I can honestly admit that he will be up to

no negative intentions by knowing me so well. In fact he understands

me so well , he can take better decisions for me that myself.



But what makes me feel small and unimportant that he rarely shares

much about himself. Yes, I do know about his family and friends and we

regularly discuss his office and work (which he is so uninterested to

talk about) but all this is so less compared to what he makes me tell

him. I need to tell him just my beginning of what happened and he

perfectly understands all the consequences. I see him quite often and

we have a common social circle which keeps me a little assured. Though

people there know that we share a closer bond, I am not sure how sure

they are about how often we talk and meet. For he rarely discloses

anything, and let's me know if at all he does.



He's mentioned to someone that I am someone who is most likely to make his day.

He suddenly puts up this "who am I to tell you this Ö" drama, which I

suspect is to find out if I would concede for a relationship. I guess

he felt himself falling for a relationship and tried to avoid it for a

week and when I asked him what happened he simply refused an

explanation. I probed him enough to say that "I confused him" and he

"sort of expected something else" and it was his delusion, "nothing to

worry about. You didn't hurt me" and he is okay now. While discussing

our common friends who are dating at some new place, he mentioned that

we go there. While reading magazines together and my yearly prediction

said I'd meet my love for life this year, I commented "They write this

every year. Bull shit. That too in this busy, fully scheduled year,

where am I go to look for my love" and he said, "look here". Dang me!

I blushed, for which he teases me even now. He doesn't look great,

but is real Casanova with his speech.



I find all this perplexing because I am talking to a person without

being assured whether it is just a healthy friendship or something

more. I am not able to decide whether he is simply trying to get

coquettish with me or he actually likes me enough for a relationship

but is too egoistic to admit it so he is trying indirect ways, to make

me way what he means to me, etc.



We argue and fight like cats and dogs. Neither can I or he get angry

for more than a day, so we usually resolve very soon. But it is always

me who comes down to make up for it. Though I usually undertake to

begin the fight it is usually a sense of insecurity with him that I am

hoping he'd clear and he leaves as inscrutable as ever.



He experiments with my emotions but I feel he doesn't intend any harm.

He promotes my services and mentions me where I need commendation and

he is definitely one of my well wishers. Some one who is yearning for

my success as much as I am. I am not going to eat him up if he proposed. Why not give a girl that

little feeling of being loved? Being a popular, bold and attractive

girl, I am always one of the most talked about girls. But being a

person of influence, rarely do men muster up the courage to ask me

out. Beats me! Am I so scary? I am sure this guy isn't an inch intimidated by me

of me. I don't know if I am really behaving teeny in front of

him or he is that mature, this ego-guy is the first man whom I feel

intimidated with.



I don't know if I want to commit to this ego-king. One because I donít want a domineering guy and two, to me, a commitment is like tying a free bird down. More so, a person whom I am going to share my life with should be willing to share his

lifewith me. That seems remote with this guy. Perhaps, I am simply naggingand expecting a guy to talk more than he wishes. Men generally

don'tchatter as much as women do. Nevertheless, I just want him to come outwith the plain truth as I am finding it difficult to be around with aman without knowing what he relates himself to me.



But franklythe bottom line is that I suspect he is interested in going steady withme, but being egoistic and someone who will never take failure, he isgoing to wait

till he knows he'll get only "yes" from me. Instead he probes now and

then in subtle ways to find out.



One of our dog fights ensued this evening. He was again probing me

playing love songs and I asked him why he is behaving like a smitten

school boy these days. . He said "my songs reflect my mind". I teased

him about with an imaginary girl of his type, teasing his every

weakness and he silently sat there saying "the girl is not at all like

that,but you can easily guess her type". He knew he was nearly givinghimself away and quickly left, that made me go crazy and very upset.Even if he was talking about another lady, Iíd love to know being hisone of his best friends.

Letís see how this goes.

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