The Craziest Men in my Life
I'm a 22 year old IT professional, single woman who is socially active, is interested
in lots of things, loves people, is ambitious and very career
minded. I have never been committed. I surround myself with the types
of people I enjoy being with as much as possible. I share good,
buddy-type friendships with all my male friends, who find it easy to
communicate to a "cool girl" like me. However, my life is also filled
with a "special male friend' who never takes that step away from
"close friend" to move to dating, even though the relationships 'look'
like we are dating based on the amount of time we spend together.
This is the third time this kind of a "special friendship" is
happening to me. I continue to enjoy these relationships, but I find
it frustrating as well. Also, such "special friends" of mine are only
known to my brother.
In the past two cases, I enjoyed these "special friendships" when was
happening. But they somehow didn't last very long.
The first one got over on no-hostile terms, but simply because we got
busy with our lives at the same time and lost touch. He is 3 years
older. Though we recently got back in touch, I haven't got the time
for regular contact, but I know I have a buddy there.
The second was tragic and left a deep impact on my personality as a
whole and totally changed my view towards men. The second guy,
strangely whom I haven't met often, is 6 years older and went away to
another country for better prospects. After being enjoyably close
buddies for nearly 6 months, he suddenly began ignoring me completely
and nine months later when I was able to contact him, I learnt he has
now settled with people of his ethnicity and that keeps his social
life active. I was deeply hurt to learn he was simply yearning for
companionship then and he got it through me. I felt like a loser, and
wished to reestablish myself with him and prove him otherwise, but in
ended up in him, either assuming, or, simply to put down the rumors
that I was frequently contacting him claim, that I was madly in love
with him and he spread that word about me.
It was so unbelievable that he spread such ill word about me after
sharing such a close friendship. Being a person of reputation, what
was hurt was my pride.
Well, how close is an friendship if he was calling me up, over
international calls, that too, for at least 20-30 minutes, on a daily
or alternate day basis?? And it was he, who called; I neither had the
money, being a school girl, nor the guts to request him to call me
that often. I felt guilty that he was shelling it out and I saved up
and called at times as well. But my pocket was small and the
international calling rate from my country was three times more.
When I learnt about his "desperate-for-him" description about me to his
society, it had a deep psychological impact on the ambitious me as it
happened at a tender age of 16. I was aghast that having been so
close, he actually did that to me. It's impossible to assume, I had a
crush on him, for he discussed at a buddy-level, his current and past
Why would a girl like him, despite knowing his love life?
Being much taller and way different, I never sought any relationship
with him and I am confident he knew that too. If he didn't that speaks
about his poor comprehension. He was patient, mature and was a
pleasure to talk to, and I had high regard and respect for him, except
that I hated his claims on his love life. He never had a proper
commitment but simply claimed that some girls were attracted to him,
and ditched him after a while.
I never thought I would end up being a similar "victim", and that too,
the most discussed one, for his cheap love-life claims, which were
nothing but close periodic friendships barring two very brief
relations which were totally his-side moves, but he made it sound like
the girls were attracted to him, induced him into it and cheated on
What is more disgusting that he presently has a girlfriend, about whom
he is quite public, so I assume they will tie the knot, which is
sweet, 'cause finally other girls are spared from this silly guy's
assumptions that they love him. But what is nasty is that he once
claimed to me that ever since he moved abroad for better prospects,
this girl and her family have been chasing him. I know that , now,
that girl has been told and the couple sit and enjoy discussing about
a "chasing and desperate" me, but I only wish she knew that she was
once discussed in that same manner with me!!
Live and let live! I don't intend ever telling her that and spoiling
their seemingly "finally-ending-in-the-knot" relationship, but for
some reason, the email and it's copies, that holds proof that the guy
spoke about her like that still remains me. Anyway she's going to live
a lifetime with him. She'll learn about him better than what my words
could possibly tell her. Let her live to learn that ! After all, it
probes the inner me, that she too discussed and laughed about me with him.
Can't blame her, yet Ö.
What irritates me is that he has the reputation of a "mature",
"intelligent" and "elder bro" sort of an image with that gang he's
got and I have all the written proof of his inner dirty self to bring
that reputation down.
I am not sure why such a small issue, as my brother called it, affects
me so much.
Perhaps I was too young and too stupid then. I was just stepping into
new doors of higher education, an arena where I was determined to
prove my worth all the more. Instead of doing that, unreasonable as it
sounds, this personal issue, hurt me so much that I crazily went on a
pursuit to destroy all possible records of proof that I ever knew this
man and I succeed to do the same, because he was simply too stupid and
fell into my hack trap.
I did that because I have a reputation in my society and I simply
can't afford to forgo that to some man, in some corner of the world,
craving for such cheap publicity that "the girl madly loves me, etc".
I have a good reputation and I know I am destined for great
achievements and at that high profile level, I am simply going to
discard such rumors (if it lasts till then) as someone claiming to be
associated with me. (Laughs! Though it's highly hypothetical, yet I
don't want any proof existing with him that we ever knew each other).
I have safely secured copies of them however. If at all I suffer low
BP in life, this old dude would at least be useful in one last way!
After all that, I don't know whether it is him or me, who had the last
laugh? For after stepping into his inbox, I learnt that he's told
people that I even create "fake personalities" to contact him as "he
was ignoring and trying to get rid of me" and he warned them to not
addthat fake person!!! Beats me, if "I" wished to contact "him" , I wouldwant him to talk to "me" and not to that fake counterpart! And why would
Ido fake identity and contact his friends?? I am disgusted if that ishis cheap comprehension and if not, he is simply craving for cheappublicity.
Poor guy actually assumed I am such a small fry isn't it ?
I did vast reading to get into his inbox, which also required me to be
personally involved with him so I called up about five to seven times
, and sent about three emails in two years, to give that " I am still
hoping to reestablish our friendship" image and all this boosted his
stupid vanity so he fussed to his entire world that "that girl
is still bugging me" and "never give her my details" image, while all
along , I was executing a social engineering attack.
But his inbox gave me a bigger attack but it ended the two year angst
over this silly guy. If you, like my brother, think it is too small an
issue, let me tell you, it isn't! How ill can a close friend speak
about you, so much so that his friend emails him some ugly woman's
naked pornographic images with my name as the subject? Well, that
speaksabout what kind of an image he's given about me to those chaps. Mybrother suggested, perhaps he may have some explanation for it, butwhatever that is, it's unforgivable.
I can spot him in any crowd (I'm certainly not acknowledging him) but
he would never recognize me for the 16 year old face that he knew, has
evolved over years and is much unidentifiable now. Perhaps, my
maiden name will last another few years. But very bit of him as he was to me, is to stay
forever and I hope he'll live to realize his wrong and regret.
But I must admit, I don't forgive myself for several reasons
associated with this. One- having known his silly love claims, I
should have remembered that while reconnecting with him. Importantly
two, is that, being an ambitious girl, I shouldn't have strayed away
for a man who isn't even worth my shadow. My brother never allows me
to discuss him for he says he isn't worth isn't worth being spoken
about. Yet, I personally believe it is a secret achievement of a two
year conquest to psychologically confuse a highly qualified
professional into my little trap. Despite, the guy not being worth my
time, I did learn something about psychology.
In this process I learn t that ironically, I and this weird man have
some strange links through common friends, about which only I know,
except for one lady whom he told me had moved into my locality.
It's no big New York city.
A good socializer can meet or at least
hear about every single person within a year or two.
It is very small town-like, peaceful place which I take pride about
and despite knowing that it was his friend, I was hoping to help her
out in anyway that would make her feel at home.
I thought it would be more congenial if I introduced myself citing our
common friend instead of telling her that she worked for one of our
groups through whom I actually identified her. Ironically I never stalked to find out about her, she was mentioned as a very smart,
poised and talented single woman and I recognized the name as the one he mentioned. I
spotted her out with another employee whom I had seen earlier and
guessed it should her, 'cause I simply know everyone else. And thought
it was worth a guess.
But very soon, my hack plan materialized and I learn t that she too was
given this cheap image about me. Unwilling to spoil our family's three
generation reputation in that locality, I concluded I would henceforth not acknowledge
her again. In my initial fury, I though I should do away with her, but
the very basis how I learn t about her was a random commendation,
neither can I ask a worthy person to be shown the gate
( as that calls for explanation) , nor do I wish the office to lose
good people. But I'll keep away anyway.
Having closed that one long strange fever that caught my mind, I felt
much better, but had this lack of sense of direction in life. My big
dreams remained but the drive was lost. During these years, I met my
third "special friend" and this time it's much different from the
previous. The earlier times, it was so amusing and enjoyable when it
happened, and either forgettable or regrettable later. This time, it
isn't entirely enjoyable and I don't know if this will reach an end,
for me to realize it's ramifications.
I am not sure what exactly I feel about this guy. He is the most
intelligent man I've met. There is so much of good I could write about
him, but not exactly at this minute, when I am feeling so insecure
about him. And this is the umpteenth time, I am crying for the way
he's hurt me.
Frankly, if I said, he's hurt me, nobody will believe it. Neither can
I, for that matter. He speaks politely and never raises his voice. But
he leaves me feeling like a loser that brings me to tears.
An ego man, who'd rather burn inside than admit his wounds outside. He
easily understands me and knows me inside-out and I get "ripped off"
feeling when I am with him. I can honestly admit that he will be up to
no negative intentions by knowing me so well. In fact he understands
me so well , he can take better decisions for me that myself.
But what makes me feel small and unimportant that he rarely shares
much about himself. Yes, I do know about his family and friends and we
regularly discuss his office and work (which he is so uninterested to
talk about) but all this is so less compared to what he makes me tell
him. I need to tell him just my beginning of what happened and he
perfectly understands all the consequences. I see him quite often and
we have a common social circle which keeps me a little assured. Though
people there know that we share a closer bond, I am not sure how sure
they are about how often we talk and meet. For he rarely discloses
anything, and let's me know if at all he does.
He's mentioned to someone that I am someone who is most likely to make his day.
He suddenly puts up this "who am I to tell you this Ö" drama, which I
suspect is to find out if I would concede for a relationship. I guess
he felt himself falling for a relationship and tried to avoid it for a
week and when I asked him what happened he simply refused an
explanation. I probed him enough to say that "I confused him" and he
"sort of expected something else" and it was his delusion, "nothing to
worry about. You didn't hurt me" and he is okay now. While discussing
our common friends who are dating at some new place, he mentioned that
we go there. While reading magazines together and my yearly prediction
said I'd meet my love for life this year, I commented "They write this
every year. Bull shit. That too in this busy, fully scheduled year,
where am I go to look for my love" and he said, "look here". Dang me!
I blushed, for which he teases me even now. He doesn't look great,
but is real Casanova with his speech.
I find all this perplexing because I am talking to a person without
being assured whether it is just a healthy friendship or something
more. I am not able to decide whether he is simply trying to get
coquettish with me or he actually likes me enough for a relationship
but is too egoistic to admit it so he is trying indirect ways, to make
me way what he means to me, etc.
We argue and fight like cats and dogs. Neither can I or he get angry
for more than a day, so we usually resolve very soon. But it is always
me who comes down to make up for it. Though I usually undertake to
begin the fight it is usually a sense of insecurity with him that I am
hoping he'd clear and he leaves as inscrutable as ever.
He experiments with my emotions but I feel he doesn't intend any harm.
He promotes my services and mentions me where I need commendation and
he is definitely one of my well wishers. Some one who is yearning for
my success as much as I am. I am not going to eat him up if he proposed. Why not give a girl that
little feeling of being loved? Being a popular, bold and attractive
girl, I am always one of the most talked about girls. But being a
person of influence, rarely do men muster up the courage to ask me
out. Beats me! Am I so scary? I am sure this guy isn't an inch intimidated by me
of me. I don't know if I am really behaving teeny in front of
him or he is that mature, this ego-guy is the first man whom I feel
I don't know if I want to commit to this ego-king. One because I donít want a domineering guy and two, to me, a commitment is like tying a free bird down. More so, a person whom I am going to share my life with should be willing to share his
lifewith me. That seems remote with this guy. Perhaps, I am simply naggingand expecting a guy to talk more than he wishes. Men generally
don'tchatter as much as women do. Nevertheless, I just want him to come outwith the plain truth as I am finding it difficult to be around with aman without knowing what he relates himself to me.
But franklythe bottom line is that I suspect he is interested in going steady withme, but being egoistic and someone who will never take failure, he isgoing to wait
till he knows he'll get only "yes" from me. Instead he probes now and
then in subtle ways to find out.
One of our dog fights ensued this evening. He was again probing me
playing love songs and I asked him why he is behaving like a smitten
school boy these days. . He said "my songs reflect my mind". I teased
him about with an imaginary girl of his type, teasing his every
weakness and he silently sat there saying "the girl is not at all like
that,but you can easily guess her type". He knew he was nearly givinghimself away and quickly left, that made me go crazy and very upset.Even if he was talking about another lady, Iíd love to know being hisone of his best friends.
Letís see how this goes.