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      Heartache from an online relationship .. need your advice


I met a guy online and we have been chatting for 8 months without calling and seeing each other. I'm a 18 year old Asian, and he's 25 year old European. We started talking and he broke up with her girlfriend at that time because she had cheated on him. I wasn't too interested in him, I never believed in/thought of an online love, but he told me he liked me on our first few chats. I thought he was joking around, and didn't take it too serious, but we chatted almost everyday. Even when I went to Korea over the summer and he was in NYC, we chatted days and night. I denied it was love, but if he didn't come online, I was waiting and worried. I haven't had any bf before, and one day, he started saying he loved me, and I denied my feelings to him again.

I once told him that we were very far from each other, so we couldn't work out even if we were a couple. But he caught me back, and told me we were going to meet up soon. So I stayed in that almost-bf/gf relationship, and he bought a flight to Korea on August. That didn't work out because his dad passed away from cancer. He was going through hard times and he had to take care of his dad's business. I believed he wasn't lying, so I consoled him and kept chatting. My parents didn't know a thing about this.

I entered college in fall last year, and he was very busy for his business, and we didn't talk for days, so I thought it was the end. I almost stopped thinking about him when we talked again and he said he missed me and he was sorry. I was skeptical, mad, and didn't want to start things again with him. But somehow he caught me again, so I chatted with him almost everyday. He really loved me, but he was busy so we couldn't still meet up. We knew how each other looked like, but he wouldn't call me because he didn't want to hear my voice first before we met.

He bought another flight ticket to CA on December 22nd, but he couldn't make it again because he got into an accident when he was driving to airport in Germany, where he visited his father side family on his vacation. It was so closeÖ I cried so much when his uncle told me that he was calling my nickname (Kid) when he was unconscious. That was when I knew I loved him so much. I couldnít stop thinking about him all the time, and I realized I was looking for reasons not to fall in love with him. I was all insecure, and he is really a good man with a great job, good appearances, etc that I never really thought of. I told him I loved him, and since we both knew the word ďloveĒ was hard to say unless it was really meant, he was very happy. He told me, if I was there with him at the hospital, he would tell me how much he loved me. I really could see his feelings for me were sincere, and now that I admitted that I really loved and cared about him, I was excited to call him my boyfriend and show my true emotions freely.

But things didnít go the way we wanted. In early January 2008, my parents found it out after happening to read my secret diary online. They were furious; my dad was strongly against the fact that we met online, and my mom didn't believe him and didn't want me to be with much older guy. (My parents don't get along sometimes, and my mom says it's an age difference, which is kinda true.) So I had to erase all the emails and pictures of him from my laptop, and they kept me from chatting with him. They totally judged him.. But I made another email address, and chatted with him still when I was back in my dorm. He said he wanted to meet my parents and show how good he was, but knowing my parents will never ever give in, I told him he didn't deserve it. I didn't want him to be hurt and trashed again. I cried so much; we made so many promises that we would accomplish once we met. He wanted to get a tattoo of my name on his arm; he wanted to play my favorite song for me on piano; he wanted to take me out to a nice meal and take real pictures; I wanted to walk around in the campus with him; and plus, I made a big polar bear Christmas card only for him, decorated with the words that reminded us sweet chat messages. But those promises were all to be broken. I was so excited that itís now really hard to forget all of those..

Now, over a month after the happening, he says he still loves me and can't move on. He says he wonít be able to find another girl that he will love as much. For me, I'm tired of thinking about him and having hard times forgetting him. Almost everything I encounter in a day reminds me of him, and leaves me a bitter smile. But I don't want to get with him because my parents still are a big part of my life. If I wanted to continue, I have to do it secretly and I don't want to do that since it's too much of a risk. So I'm torn. I know I have to move on, and I say mean things to him like "you have to move on, cus I'm trying too" and "Get a girl around you, not online".. Maybe I still love him, but now I think it's been ridiculous, chatting with and loving a much older guy for 7 months. After all he didn't let me know what his company's name was or his phone number, while I told him the name of my school and phone number and almost everything. I understand his security over his things, but I never got why he didn't want me to know his company's name until I would meet him in person.. I really try to look for guys around me, and yes there are many. Itís not that I cannot get guys; I cannot completely forget Chris. Sometimes I start to feel ashamed of what I've done in past 7 months, I "dated" online and never have met him in real, although we always wanted to. He asked for my new phone number but I didn't tell him because I was afraid if I wouldn't be able to get over it. However I do think I should meet him; I mean, I gotta see this guy whom Iíve been chatting with for almost 8 months now. If I say yes, he will come to CA. What should I do? Should I meet him and see what happens? Should I just end it here and stop talking to him? I donít know what I want really. What I donít want is a hassle between me and my parents because of him. Never again.


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