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      The one I let go...

     


Innocent bi-standards get hurt every day, knowingly or not; maybe it's God's gentle push to make us realize that every moment counts.  I read the heartache that people go through when they lose a loved one, many times through unfortunate circumstances, and I wish with all that I have, that i could say the same; my story might be like many, you might relate to it, you may not, but if it it brings some perspective to someone, i would hope you catch it in time before a bomb destroys a piece of your heart.

Keeping your heart sheltered should never be the excuse to heal it.  It can actually have the opposite effect.  When we're young and nave, love is a word that we lavishly use, with no regard of the consequences it can bring.  When I had my first taste of true love, it lasted a mere 2 years, in high school nonetheless.  Those years were rough.  The first 2 months into the relationship, i willingly gave him my heart and soul; that only led to unconditional love, a blurred line of what's right and wrong, and abuse.  Emotional pain is something that makes us come to realizations about ourselves and makes us smarter, if we learn.  No woman or man should endure physical pain though.  That is where we have to draw the line between love and abuse.  At seventeen i thought that i was just making him mad, doing things wrong, so i changed.  His outbursts just made me believe that i had to change , or things would never work; things never worked.  I know now that i was young and impressionable, desperate for love at any cost.  His blows still haunt me, along with his name.  I can't hear that name without it bringing back those memories, so much that i let it interfere with what could have possible been my partner for life. 

Two years later, i found myself still in Limbo, just wandering with my heartache, that was before i met Chris.  Like all friendships in college, we met through mutual friends and saw each other irregularly, mainly when everyone got together.  We decided to make our irregularity a little more regular.  One amazing date led to another, and before we knew it, we started getting close.  When i realized this, i immediately turned away.  Stop returning his calls, avoided him at school, and i stopped meeting with our mutual friends, that was up until we bumped into each other on a rainy summer night.  Our eyes locked, and all those emotions i had suppressed came rushing out.  I know it sounds childish, but i tried to turn the other direction: needless to say that did not work.  He stopped me in my tracks, and demanded an explanation that i could not give him.  So he sat me down, determined to get an answer.  We sat in silence for almost an hour, before he broke down.  I can't bear to see anyone in heartache, much less those i care about.  After a long talk, we decided we were being childish and what we had was something in the making. 

I gave it another shot, got closer to him, and ended up falling in love again.  I loved everything about this man: his embrace; his ability to make me smile; his touch: everything.  Why i let him go is beyond my understanding.  We fought like most couple do, about pointless things, that led to bigger fights; but we always seemed to go back to that moment where we would look into each others eyes and smile.  After a night of deep reflection i admitted to myself why we fought so much, and why i seemed to make things so difficult: i was trying to have that same relationship i had in my early years.  He offered me the world and all i would accept was  the flaws.  After our final break-up, we lost touch, lost numbers, and in no time lost our friendship. 

I lost my best friend; the person who would hold me as i cried, and put up with my stubborn self.  We could have been happy, we could have been great, but i didn't allow myself to let it happen.  I kept my heart sheltered, unable to truly give myself again.  And things cannot work when only one person is giving it their all.  It's been three years since me and Chris had our falling out, and i still look at him with a feeling of despair.  We regained our friendship, but to my dismay it was never how it used to be.  I hope the best for him, and hope he finds a woman who will make him happy.

If your wondering about my first love, i have no idea to what he is doing now.  We lost all contact after our first two years of college.  All i can say about that is that he will get his.  You cannot go through life and act like that without consequences.  I am happy to say i have happily moved on from that relationship and will never let that happen again. 

If you find someone who makes you happy, follow your instincts, and don't let the fear of relationships past determine your future. 

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