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      Lose hope...or keep fighting?


First relationship was at 15.  It ended because my partner was seeing other people behind my back.  It was a first relationship, so it didn't have that much of an impact on me.


Second relationship came about 2 months after this relationship ended.  I knew this person for awhile, but never expected myself to see myself in a relationship with this individual.  I thought our relationship would last only a week, and then.... that would be it.  Oh, was I wrong.  We were together for a good-solid two years, until things came crashing down at the end of our relationship.  Before he left into the air force, he made it clear to me more than 3 times, that I meant nothing to him and that he didn't love me anymore.  I was depressed.  I was sad.  So I had a sort of...bitter outlook on relationships in general.  I met someone new, and had a physical relationship with this individual, but nothing surpassing the boundary of friendship.  Then the 2 year-ex calls and regrets everything.

Unfortunately, my feelings can not be as strong as it USED to be, as I have learned to be stronger, and have changed...most especially... I have been able to separate emotion from sex.  I've had 3 more encounters like that.


The 50/50 relationship I had with the "new" person lasted for 8-9 months.  In that time frame, I thought it was another light to my darkness....but oh, it wasn't.  It was another crevice that led to another path of heartache.  Not as strong as my second relationship, but there WAS pain.


As of now, there have been approximately 6 very genuinely good and honest suitors who have been pursuing me with innocent intentions.  However, I just don't feel the "spark". 


I cannot afford to let my guard down, once again, in risk of falling or failing. 


There is a particular person, who has experienced the same pain as I have...actually, it is worse.  Yet, he is the most mature, disciplined, and intellectual out of all of them.  His style, attitude, and manner is unique, and stands out from the crowd.  I'm in awe of it all...


But... it seems as if I have lost hope... it seems as though things are TOO GOOD to BE TRUE.  Should I keep fighting, aware of the risks, aware of possible painful outcomes?


Or... let it pass, and not waste precious time and effort on something with an unknown outcome?


For those of you with a similar perception.... What would you do?


I am completely healed, emotionally and mentally.  But my main message to you all, is that:  There should be a balance of your brain and your heart.  Only when the two agree on the same decision, will you know that the decision you make is Right.



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