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      Reminiscing

     


It was just an ordinary day like the days before. I was taking calls, talking to our customers. Then my phone beeped, I have a message... immediately picked it up and read the message. To my surprise, it was him! I was trying to move on that time, building gap between us, coz i was falling for him but probably, "unconsciously" on his end, he kept on hurting me. But i value him more as a friend that's why i don't care. We then became text mates... i don't want to put colors on the things that he does, its hard but i have to. Almost everyday he kept on calling me and almost every hour he kept on sending me messages. I never really imagined talking to him because he's the least kind of person who would call me. Again, i was trying to move on that time coz he've been hurting me. he might not noticed it coz i just play it cool...

 

But not until…

 

Then the phone calls and text messages became constant, I could say that we instantly jive because we were having fun, maybe we’re soul friends… as i keep on telling our friends "we're just friends, and we will always 'just' be friends..."

 

We usually see each other during weekends or even week days if he has time and gave each other occasional “hi’s” and “hello’s”. Then the time came when I can’t help but take a second glance at him whenever our eyes meet. Maybe there’s something in him, maybe I’m starting to notice his eyes that also smiles, or maybe… I’m falling for him again? OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!

 

That night was a very memorable one. I don’t know, everything just happened so fast. All I know was that we revealed our feelings to one another. He just didn't know how happy I was to learn that the feeling was mutual, but still, there’s a fear, FEAR of being hurt "AGAIN" because I know that it’s next to impossible for him to be mine, but I still took the risk after all of the things that he had done to me.

 

The past few weeks were all right, it’s like everyday was a red-letter day for me. Even there were times that we spent together were only stolen moments, I’m still happy.

 

But what seems to be the problem? Our phone conversations became monotonous, whenever we talk, it seems as though he's always itching to put the phone down. I can feel he's slowly drifting away from me… what’s wrong?

 

Then I just felt that he's turning away, he became cold... It’s very evident though he tried to hide it. I didn't know why, I was so confused. Something has really changed, I can tell it by the way he looked at me, acted, texted or talked to me. I can even remember those nights where he usually asked me to go to sleep coz my shift starts @ 2am, i was hoping  for him to text those three words he then barely say for those past days. But he didn't.

 

I cried upon learning that he's actually trying to avoid me. For the reason that i don’t even know, then he ask for a space, i gave him space... i was left hanging again... i was trying to prepare myself coz i can really feel that he want me out of his life...

 

Then finally, after i made some moves for him to talk to me, he decided that he want to see me and talk things over, but he backed out for no reason... why cant he just end it right then & there!? in that way all of my sufferings will be ended. Then he finally told me the reason. he got someone pregnant before i became his girlfriend. Suddenly all of the anger faded and my instinct as a friend came in. I thought we can still save our friendship coz i value him more as a friend... but as the days passed by, i feel so worthless, i feel like a rug. i feel that he was not telling the truth. he only made up those things just to get rid of me.Everything was turned into anger. im so mad to the point that i don't want to see him. i feel like I'm pushing myself too much into him and i hate it. and it hurts more coz he's not responding.I know he can’t fight for me. Because sad to say, he's afraid to take the risk and his love isn't enough. But don’t worry, it’s fine, I understand, I always do… that's always been my role... the "meantime girl"...

 

then after some few months, our friends told me that it was true, they even got married but they are now separated... he still tries to communicate with me. send me messages, asking how i was... sometimes he even visits me & my friends...



I often cry at night in the silence of my room, where I know no one could hear me except the four corners of my bedroom wall. I’d cover my face with pillows so no one can hear my wails. I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t even know if I can make it to another day, knowing things weren’t the same as before. I even reached to a point where I didn’t want to hear love songs anymore; all of them just reminded me of him. Whenever I go the office, oftentimes, I come with swollen eyes due to too much crying all night. Good thing I'm enjoying my new job. I always feel so pathetic trying to beg some attention from him, but what can I do? I love him…

 

Then i tried to preoccupied myself by focusing on my new account, going out everynight every after shifts, another good thing is i have new pals, my new waivemates. I did this coz i dont want to remember him. I dont like the feeling that im missing him, coz i dont want to have those false hopes again. I dont want to have that trigger again to tell him how much I still love him,that's why I just shut up, knowing it won’t make sense anymore to him.

  

I wonder if he also miss me the same way I’m missing him, if he still loves me the way I’m still loving him. But I don’t want to hear the answer anymore because it might hurt.

 

It’s the reality of life, people do come and go. Some are for fun, others are for tears, while most of them are just passing by. I don’t know which of them does he belong, but I just want him to know that I haven't regretted meeting him. A lot of things were new to me, i sacrificed a lot, and i learned a lot. i finally felt how to love unconditionally. And if ever I am to live my life again, I’d still choose to meet him and love him. I really dont know why, i just want to. 

 

This is another ordinary day like the days before. I am in my room, lying on my bed, while listening to the radio. Then I heard our songs… I smile as I remember him while holding back the tears welling from my eyes. Im just enjoying the process no mater how painful it is...

 

It still hurts, but I know it’ll be over soon, but its good to know that he did love me, that he did have future plans for us. unfortunately, as what he sang when we were walking in the sea shore, "we had the right love at the wrong time"... I know I’ll forget this feeling I have for him... the love, the hate, the pain... I know…I know…I HOPE…

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