She was a girl...
There have been so many stories about love, so many. Every person that tells a love story feels like theirs were the living context of a movie... the universe centered around them for that one moment of time, and it was like the world seemed clear to them, for the very first time. When you go out to the real world, you realize that every waking moment you are searching for that moment. It's pathetic sometimes, going in circles, only winding up to run into yourself again, realizing that life doesn't work that way. My story, is one of unrequited love. Unrequited love is common, but like everyone else, I feel that mine is special somehow. It's funny how we contradict our beliefs when we feel this way. I am mature in the fact that I know that 18 is too young to be thinking this way. I;m questioning myself now for even writing this, but I guess it's just me trying to reach out to see if there is someone who can give me some kind of miracle answer to this. There is none.
Who was she? She was someone I had known since the beginning of high school, and to me she was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my life. Crushes were common at that age, but something didn't ring the same as the others. I was shy then, I hadn't grown into the way I am now. We met through friends, and it seemed like we distanced ourselves to everyone else. I didn't know how to show her anything. Summer came and I didn't see her until the next year. We talked and caught up on things. I was trying so hard not to be predictable, I blushed, I had a hard time articulating words, I fumbled, it was a typical sort of thing. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
Shortly there after, I noticed this boy who would hang around her a lot. I had never seen them holding hands or kissing before, so I ruled out a possible relationship. Of course, they were an item. I decided to stop persueing. Though like a lot of relationships then they usually ended soon. She was someone different so I decided to wait.
A month passed, then two, then six, after a year. I couldn't believe it, a year was the longest relationship I have ever heard of then. I felt like an outside force was trying mess with me.
We didn't even have class anymore together, and the friends we used to hang out with, split up into different groups. We barely talked anymore. I didn't know what it was about her. I had been in other relationships, and it was only like a temporary cure to a disease. I was frustrated with myself, I didn't know what to do. She was in love with someone else, I had no options, and no chances. Some of my friends said that I was feeling this way because she was the "one that got away." There were plenty of those in my life.
Then one day at the beginning of my junior year, I see her walking into english class. I was in disbelief. It was the first break I had for three long years. This couldn't be coincidental, I had to make some sort of move that year. We read books like the Great Gatsby, which to people who know is one of the most famous stories of unrequited love. Destiny? I don't like to believe that, but I couldn't help from smiling every time I thought about it. I went to her house one day for a group project. I was the last one to leave. Before I left we were talking about a lot of things. The conversation eventually wound up in religion, and she is very religious. She had been part of new orleans clean up for katrina in her church, and did a lot of community service. So she asked me what I believed in. I closed my eyes, and tried very hard to think what I would say. I told her then to close her eyes. She did. I then started touching her hand, and I said, "what am I doing?" She said like any person would say and said,"you are touching my hand." I replied saying,"how do you know?" She then answered,"Because I FEEL it." she understood entirely, and chuckled saying, wow that was beautiful. Then more than ever I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to tell her how much I cared for her, and how much I wanted to show her that. I couldn't. I left soon after. I felt devastated. If there was any a time to tell her it would have been then.
A little more than a month after that, I told her. She did what I expected, and put me down. I knew it was coming, but it never feels real when you actually tell someone how you really feel. I felt like I just told her that she was a crush, I never really told her everything, but I think it is best that way. The least I can do for her is leave her alone. Her and her boyfriend are still together, after three years. They were voted as best couple as senior banquet, and will in most likelihood be married. I feel happy for her at least. That's the least I can give her. I didn't feel like letting myself down again, but I know I will always have feelings, I've learned to accept it, and I am living with it.
Everyday that ticks down to graduation feels like time is slipping away, the time I can at least see her. After that it's over, and I know letting go is the most painful thing I will ever do.
Even with all that said, the least I got out of it was knowing that love is real. She deserves to be happy, and I want that for her. She's the shinning light in the world, and I hope everyone learns how to be a little more like her. She is an inspiration of my life, and someone who I want to be a more like. She is beautiful outside, and absolutely gorgeous on the inside. I just hope she knows that.
Every time someone asks me who she is, I think of distant memories of her, twiddling in my fatally stupid romantic mind. Her smile, her eyes, her aura of pure joy and happiness. I just say, "she's was a girl..."