I didn't take the opportunities I had...........
I first met L. in 1990. She was introduced to me by her Father whom she was accompanying at the time- he was an acquaintance of mine. The minute I saw her I was in love for ever. She was petite with auburn hair and the largest, deepest blue eyes I ever looked into. A gorgeous English rose.
I am quite shy with girls I find attractive and so never made the most of the opportunities that came my way to get to know her. She had (has) the qualities I particularly admire such as modesty, generosity and kindness. She was empathetic and caring, kind to both animals and people. She was a nurse by profession.
Our paths crossed occasionally during the period 1990 to 1994 and due to my tongue-tied incompetence I never found myself physically capable of holding a conversation with her. Just the knowledge that she was in the room was enough to give me that knotted stomach feeling. Because of this I used to try and pretend she wasn't actually there! God only knows what she thought of me at those times. But I thought about her 24/7.
It was about that time she became very ill. The news hit me like a brick on the head. I was stunned. Something like that should not have happened to someone like her. I tried to find out how she was but her family and the people that knew her wouldn't give out much information- they were being very loyal and protective but it drove me crazy not knowing. I used to drive past the hospital where she was, praying for her to be OK.
In due course she did recover but I haven't spoken to her to this day. How I wish I had taken the opportunities I did have.
She got married and by a stroke of fate I ended up going to her wedding. I only wished her well and still pray for her to be happy in her life. I wouldn't want it to change if she has what she wants.
I wrote, and still write, stories, songs, poems about her. EVERY NIGHT I go to sleep thinking of her. Sometimes I can't sleep and go out and drive round in the car, fantasising about having her with me. So many times I have rescued her from monsters, pirates, rapists, Hitler, you name it! To me the dreams are real and alive and they always end with her falling gratefully into my arms. Always.
The thing is, I am a middle aged man who is happily married to a woman I love deeply and I know we will be together for ever. I have two children whom I adore. And yet my secret lover continues to be the person I crave for. It has now been eighteen years and the pain gets worse. I know it will never go.
So- love at first sight does exist, it is possible to love two people at the same time and for me at any rate, the pain doesn't get any easier.
Unrequited love is not a purely female prerogative.