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      I guess I'll never know


Well, there was this guy... and I started to like him in 5th grade. I know...lame. Anyways he was totally not the type of guy I would think of liking and before I liked his best friend. Which is like typical elementary school, I know, but it was weird. Sixth grade was when I started to really open up and be more of my self. He was different and into different stuff. For some reason I was just really attracted to him.

I don't even remember how it started but as adolescent infatuation begins someone always tells you that he likes you or something. So then you're walking on clouds for the next day and you finally get the courage to talk to him. I mean you also get hints from him that he likes you by the way he treats you and now that I think of it he would always tell me, because I would kick him and you know that stuff,

"You know a girl likes you when she's always physically hurting you."

Of course I denied it because I was still kinda shy. Anyways I guess we kinda had a thing going or something because we were both mutual. The thing was that I wasn't allowed to date so I would say,

"We like each other, but we're not official."

It was nice. He would put his arm around me and always walk with me. We kind of hang out out of school. He would go to my friends house (who's a neighbor) and I would go over too. I remember one day because we were in the school play together because we were forced to do it and it was one of the performances and because we were young, I didn't wear makeup. When he saw me afterward he said "You looked really pretty." oh goodness did that make my heart soar.

To this day I remember that because it was three days. I know I seem young but I really liked him.

The last day of 6th grade I met him in the hall because that's what we'd do, and I hugged him. I told him I was going to miss him. He said the same. From that time I've said a total of 10 words to him and its been 3 years. I miss him completely and he now has a girlfriend that I know "satisfies" him more than I would because I don't date. She's totally his type. I know he avoids me and he obviously doesn't want to talk to me. And I know he knows I still exist because he'll look at me. It's like little needles pricking my heart each time he looks at me or is near me and doesn't say anything. Not a smile, nothing. It still brings a tear to my eye. I'm never going to forget him. He was the first I really really liked. I still like him, I'm never going to get totally over him and it hurts inside.

I should get over him, I know. It just hurts too much. I've liked other guys and have haphazardly moved on from then but I still like him.

Knowing that those days will never be back pains my heart. I cant even imagine how I would deal if we had class together and we sat next to each other. What would I say? How would I deal? There would be so many things running in my head. What if I decided to talk to him out of class? What do I say? do I hug him? Touch his arm?


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