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      How can I?


Three years ago I started to have an extra marital affair with my boss. But I must admit, I have fallen in love with him since the days I laid eyes on him, my starting date at work.

We started as a friend like everybody else. Though, we try to be discreet as much as we could, rumors were everywhere. But we vehemently both denied it. During the time of the affair, we're both so happy, we promised each other, no matter what happen, we'll stay friends. So I thought...

A year ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and died early this year. We were all devastated. During that time, he told me that he wanted to end the relationship, but he said he's so weak when he sees me. "Everything dissolves!". A few weeks after the funeral, he did end it. I was crushed! I was so hurt, I could not say anything and just pretended that it was ok. I felt so guilty asking for a reason while he was still grieving. He said we're still good friends...However, things changed abruptly. This man who couldn't seem to wait till we're alone together, who calls daily including weekends knowing my husband is home, the man I let inside my home, my bed, my life and my very soul...DID NOT WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME! He said there will be no more lunch, no dinner, no making love...nothing!!!

At one point I had to do something and invited him for a coffee after work. He agreed. And there I let it all out. The pain, the betrayal, the denial, the grieving. All he said was the reason why he ended it because he does not want any emotional involvement with me. What was that?! I left with so much more pain and confusion. I realized this guy was so guilty, he couldn't bring himself to forgive about his wife's death.

He said, he should have been on her side when she was suffering, having dinner with her instead of those nights he was out with me, comforting her instead of spending his time making love with me and the big guilt was the evening when he called wanting to have a quick dinner with me, was the evening he found out his wife had only a week left.

I need your honest opinion here:

1) Why do I feel that he's blaming himself and punishing me for his wife's death?

2) If he does not want anything to do with me, how come he's so interested / concerned on what's going on with my life now?

3) After the affair, I was contemplating of leaving work, but my husband was questioning why, considering I have a good-paying job. Should I tell him about the affair, the reason why I'm pumping antidepressant like candies?

4) I became close to his entire family espesially his daughter who also works in the same place. I tried to distance myself from her, but she told me I'm the only friend that she has and the only person her father can open up to [she knows her father and I are good friends in spite of the rumors at work. She said, I'm not the type of a person who will fool around and so is her father. I love her like a younger sister, a sister I never had and she felt the same way. I know I am the 'bridge' that connects between her and her father - they love each other dearly but cant talk because they both end up crying. What else can I tell her when she asks me to come over their house and spend time with them. I'm running out of alibis...Help!


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