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      The One True Love Of My Life

     


bsp; Three weeks ago marked the tenth year from the day I met him.  I remember that moment so clearly.  I cannot recall the words that were exchanged between us, yet his beautiful face, eyes and smile are etched in my soul for eternity from that moment.  It has always seemed to me as almost a dream.  I remember looking up and seeing his face that first time, and it was angelic.  I know in reality he was speaking to me, but even at that time, all I heard was the most beautiful music coming from him.  And the feeling I had a that moment…I can only describe as I wrote in one of my poems about him…“How can I forget those big blue eyes -I saw that winter day -The ones so bright, I almost cried -As they swept my heart away -It was gone, just like that -Like a feather caught on the wind -And I saw the twinkle in your eyes -As it set in your soul, right there and then” At the time I met him, I was a 25 year old single mom with three little boys, ages 7, 5 and 2.  I had just moved to the state, just out of a very bad relationship and he was to be one of my teachers at the school I was starting.  Four and a half months of seeing him four and five days a week…and falling deeper in love with him with each breath and every heartbeat.  It was misery and torture and bliss seeing him and being around him all the time. We didn’t talk much on a personal level, so we didn’t really even know one another that well.  I was young and single and stupid and I know I did and said some things in my life at that time (not to him necessarily, just in general) that I wish I hadn’t. And to top it all off, I was having some health issues that were getting worse.  After my class was over, I finally told him how I felt…in the form of a letter and a couple of poems I had written about him.  I think I may have seen him a few times over the next few years…only minutes of small talk each time.  But not a single day has passed by that he has not been in my thoughts and in my heart.  It has been at least six years since I saw him last.  He has since married and moved to another state.  I spent the first few years crying over him every single day…crying over everything from why couldn’t he love me to why did I have to love him. I have experienced to the depths, inside out, upside down and backwards, every emotion imaginable.  I have written so many poems to, for and about him and poems with him in mind…and I’ve written him letters.  He’s never seen any of them.  I’ve been with my husband now for almost six years.  I have loved my husband very much, but this man from my past is the love of my life.  I cannot explain and I cannot understand how a person can have a one true love of their life and it be a one sided love.  But it does happen and it did happen to me.  I will never wish or pray for the love I have for him to leave me.  I have grown and learned so much over the last ten years in loving him…about love, life, and myself.  I wish him the most beautiful life full of love and happiness.   I feel a deep need to tell him of all he has given me in my life.  I just don’t know how to do that.  I would like to give him a gift of a letter and all the poetry I’ve written…but how do I do that?  Maybe I don’t.  I struggle with this constantly.  I do not wish to upset his life…but I think it is important that he knows what beauty and life and creativity and light and purpose he has given to me.  It’s not selfish.  I am truly thankful for him and I would just like him to know. ©Melissa JoyDecember 3, 2007  

 

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